Narrowby

[Delta40]

For you, always
I wait in a queue laden
with a supermarket smile.

When I ask if you have regrets,
you blink once
before the shutters slide down
and I realize there will never be
any specials to be found.

Yet still I rummage through
your thoughts
at bargain basement level.

[Hawkman]

What? No comments? Well I'll chip in. I like this poem, Delta, although I do have a bit of a problem with the syntax of S1. It's a bit Yoda-esque. I like what its says, the images are ok, it just doesn't read well. Possibly laden isn't the right word, burdened might be better, though I appreciate why you've used it, but it's placement after queue demands a comma after queue.

Apart from that - a good one. A change of theme wouldn't go amiss though...

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

Funny you mentioned theme Hawk. I haven't been inspired to write much poetry for a while and even after I churned this out, I wasn't pleased. I think I'm done - at least for the moment.

[virtuoso]

I like the analogy between the expectant shopper in a predictable, redundant check out line, and the familiar partners in a relationship, who go through the same committment tests on a routine basis. I think replacing "laden with a" with price checking my smile would go great with your supermarket analogy. Do not stop writing. You are coming up with some good ideas!

[DieterM]

Strange that it's the "For you, always" that was the first thing I immediately liked. It is true that the following line is somewhat difficult to read in connection with this first one. You might try I don't know, repeating "for you" maybe? "For you, always for you, etc." You do need a comma after "always", I guess, which would take away what Hawkie called Yoda-esque. I don't mind laden, but if you broke li2 jsut before it and started li3 with it? Just a suggestion…
For the rythm, you could maybe start the second stanza somewhat shorter, like "When I ask you for regrets" (as if you'd ask for cheese, say, or ham). Then perhaps, for rythm-purposes again, "and I realize there will never be
any specials to be found"

could become
"I realize there are
no specials to be found"

I'm a big fan of your poetry, Delta, but I know the feeling of inappropriateness quite well myself, that nagging feeling that haunts me from time to time that nothing I write is ever good enough. Your poetry, even if you deem it insufficiently perfect, is always outstanding. At least to me.

[Delta40]

Thanks virtuoso and dieter. I think one of the other issues I face is the difference between writing poetry and reciting it. What reads well on paper can take on a different feel when recited and even if I read my work out loud, I can't quite make the connection as I don't recite poetry very well myself and second guess the manner in which it would be read. This affects my structure.

[blank|verse]

I think the syntax of the first stanza works well because it delays the subject and verb of the sentence until the second line, enacting the ‘waiting’ expressed by the narrator. Ok, it’s inverted, but is done so for effect, so I think is stronger than standard syntax would be. Also, I think ‘laden’ is appropriate – one talks of being ‘laden with shopping bags’ – and ‘supermarket smile’ is a nice touch as well. The only word I have a slight issue with is ‘slide’, which sounds a bit elegant; perhaps ‘come down’ is more direct. And I don’t know the significance of the title, so I could be missing something, but that doesn’t present much of a problem.

Overall, I think the extended metaphor is stretched to breaking point, and it could do with being a ‘fuller’ poem, but it’s an inventive piece.

[Delta40]

Thanks blank. I haven't made any suggested changes to it at this point and in my writing, I only offer the bare minimum before I run out of word usage. I originally wrote 'come down' and then changed it because I imagined a security roller door rather than blinds to a window.