Lion City

[Adolescent09]

A Web of Auto Parts
Adol09

Detroit won’t build an axis,
beneath an iron frame,
for it hasn’t got the rubber
to support its only aim.

Once a man stocked fuel in his pocket,
He saddled it in a sinewed cloth,
his time beyond time was caged in one locket
about the size of a giant moth,

An aeon past he reached the door,
the locket’s address read ‘here’,
No response baded him forth,
but his destiny to enter was clear,

Blood and oil, web-dwellers and greed,
A worker must toil to set the spindler free.

[virtuoso]

I like the first stanza, Adolescent. It is interesting how you tie the industrial complex to the tech industry. You have encapsulated the past, present, and future in a time warp. It does seem that Detroit clings to the past, and slowly accepts new waves of technology.

[AuntShecky]

The state of present-day Detroit is so benighted that one can scarcely hear its name mentioned without feeling profoundly sad. I think you captured such a feeling in this piece with its appropriate auto-making analogies, the once-called "horseless carriage" making the Motor City essentially a "one-trick pony" or a one-horse town, sorely needing repair.

There are a couple of quibbles with the form. Line 7 is a bit too lengthy relative to the rest of the lines. Also, my trusty dictionary tells me there is no such word as "baded." The past tense is "bade" or "bid."

[Adolescent09]

The state of present-day Detroit is so benighted that one can scarcely hear its name mentioned without feeling profoundly sad. I think you captured such a feeling in this piece with its appropriate auto-making analogies, the once-called "horseless carriage" making the Motor City essentially a "one-trick pony" or a one-horse town, sorely needing repair.

There are a couple of quibbles with the form. Line 7 is a bit too lengthy relative to the rest of the lines. Also, my trusty dictionary tells me there is no such word as "baded." The past tense is "bade" or "bid."

That was a typo, Shecky. Thanks for reading guys :)