Innocent Fireflies

[MysteryGirl]

She dances in a field full of fireflies and wonders,
Why her family and her best friends have shunned her.

She left little trinkets through this path,
But now she cannot seem to find her way.

Now she remembers dresses,
and the smell of lilacs.

She remembers catching those firelies in her hands,
Just as her family finished discussing things,
That were too complicated for her to understand.

But she did understand them then,
and she wishes that she didn't.

Because understand was knowing.
And knowing was understanding,
that there was hate and greed and guilt,
and selfishness and heartbreak,
Past the field of innocent fireflies.

[MystyrMystyry]

Hello MysteryGirl. Interesting piece, though it could do with some tightening. In trying to explain an emotion sometimes you need to reach out of yourself, to create a contrast of ideas. I find where this fails me as the reader is in its attempt to simply tell me something, but actually telling me nothing. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but what's the secret - the parents are separating? or one had an affair? or the girl is going to be forced into an arranged marriage? or the girl is in fact a boy and society will shun him if he wears dresses?

Or someone bought a new car they couldn't afford and have to return it, causing:

hate and greed and guilt,
and selfishness and heartbreak

See? Needs more specific drama to emphasise whatever it is.

The protagonist may know what it is, indeed s/he understands it well enough to to repeat the word four times in five lines - but I'm none the wiser.

In a short poem variety of words is important, repetition doesn't (or rarely) helps. If it's the verse of a song go for it, but there's no singing here.

You have the contrast of innocence/experience - but personally I need to have a clear hint what the experience is, however bad or unadressable.

Finally, though it may not have cost you anything to write it but time, you've put it out for someone to read - which they of course will - but you should remember that it's costing their time, so by all means be as vague as you like, but if you do it's better to make the reader feel it was worth the investment of their time, it needs to be at least interesting, and to degree decipherable.

Keep writing MG, but also keep reading, analysing, and learning - and keep experimenting with new techniques, sometimes it's best.

:)

[MysteryGirl]

MystyrMystyry - Thank you for the comment and also the criticism. I agree with it completely now that I've given this poem a once over. It's pretty sloppy, isn't it? The whole point of the poem was a memory that I had of being younger and my parents would talk about things that I couldn't join in on because I "didn't understand" even though I understood completely. So I caught a bunch of fireflies out there.

The last line refers to the fact that I did know my parents' conversations but I didn't know that there was so much pain and hurtfulness outside of that field of fireflies. All I knew was the innocence of catching them and, for whatever reason, how important it was. But not about employments and people and marketing schemes, etc. I hope that makes sense now.

[MystyrMystyry]

Oh, right. Now you've explained it I realise my critique was pretty heavy handed. Sorry about that - I was looking for something that wasn't there, and because I was expecting more, I guess I got it wrong.

It's still a poem of innocence, and the dangers of the wider world so many that they needn't be clarified. I was concentrating on the one specific reason why the family and friends might have shunned her. I'm trying to think of a better synonym for shun - what you may have intended, but none of the obvious ones fit. Abandon, disregard..?

Doesn't matter. It's a just quick rhyme for wonders isn't it?


*grumbles off into the distance*