A dark place

[Tallim]

hello everyone,

I want to learn story writing and thus I require the help of people with experience in finding out what is wrong and needs fixing and what is right and needs improving, and what is not there and needs to exist.
I appreciate help in any kind, just reading my story honors me.
my thanks to everyone.


Dark, it’s all dark in here, where am I?
And more importantly, why am I in here?
It’s a strange place, I have no memory of it, yet it seems so familiar, could I have forgotten such a place?
No, then why do I not recall anything of it, yet I feel as if I know it, he thought so as he stretched his hand forward, nothing is in front of me, I can’t feel anything touching my hand…
So he tried to stand, with his hand above his head, looked left, looked right, all he could see was the infinite sea of darkness surrounding him.
Then he sat back, nothing I do here is certain, I might die, I might live, maybe I’ll fall, or I’ll walk, it doesn’t matter, all I can do is be careful, it won’t do me much, but it might save my life, or I might end up dead.
I’m much safer staying in my place for now, but in time, it’ll kill me, if someone comes during that time I’ll be saved, if not, I’ll die.
Whoever placed me here if he wanted me dead he’d have me dead already, and if he wants only to have fun seeing me dead I won’t have much of a survival chance moving or not, he’s just testing me, then, maybe there is a higher chance for my survival if I move, and so I will.
Thus he stood, as carefully as before, then thought he again, where should I go?
Left, right, front, back, it doesn’t matter now, I cannot see anything in here, so he started moving forward, using his hands to insure he doesn’t bump a wall, and putting a light experimental step before putting a real one, until he bumped something.
What is this?
It’s rolling, must be something cylindrical, it’s not so big, actually it’s small, from the sound it made, it must be here, so he thought as he leaned and stretched his hand searching for the object, there!
Then he stood firm again, afterwards he started to examine the object with his hands, glass on the top side, soft glass, must be highly transparent, plastic frame, there is also a button here, should I push it?
Or maybe it contains some sort of a trap?
I don’t want to risk, but maybe, just maybe this tool has the key to my salvation?
No, I won’t risk it, preserving my life is more important than my salvation right now, but I’ll keep that thing just in case I changed my mind.
And so he continued to walk, after not so long, he started to hear sounds, like a drum, but not, like the wind, but also not, he wanted to raise his voice and ask if there was someone, it sounds like steps, he thought, but then he decided not to, it is not safe, they might harm me, or maybe I’m just wasting my voice on illusions, I’d better stay silent.
So he said, as he continued to walk.
Quit a lot of time has passed since he started walking, he’s getting tired, thirsty and hungry, also scared, is there an end to this place?
It’s like I’m alone in another planet, I want to sit, yes, I should sit, I need to rest don’t I?
Every man does, why should it be a sin when I do it?
So he thought as he started to lean, well after I rest I’m sure I’ll be able to continue my journey faster and more efficiently, so he thought as he sat, and then bit by bit he started laying down, until he was completely laid down.
I think I need to sleep, I am tired, my eyes are closing on their own, should I let them be?
Or should I force them to stay how they are, open.
I don’t want to sleep, I know it’s not the best choice, but then why do I feel like sleeping?
Why are my eyes closing?
Wait, I’m laid down, I’m taking every position there is to help me sleep, darkness, silence, the environment here helps me to sleep doesn’t it?
NO!
I do not want to sleep, I must stand, but I’m comfortable like this, laid down…
What should I do?
I should stop fooling myself, if I stay in my current position I’ll sleep, and probably forever, it’s a relatively low chance after this sleep that I’ll ever be able to wake up, I must stand then, I want to survive, I want to live, and so he thought as he started to sit.
Afterwards he started to stretch his body, hands and neck, then he stood again, and started walking.
This darkness is never ending, is there no way to see?
I can hear, but I am not certain of what I hear, I can feel, but I do not know what is it exactly that I am seeing, it is true I am not intelligent nor trained enough to do that, but I know I could at least have a better understanding of my situation if I could only see.
Should I have a light source, even for just a moment, that would satisfy me.
And then, he remembered the object in his hand, it could actually be a flash light!
Yes, glass in the front, a button, plastic framing, cylindrical, but it could also be some sort of a bomb, should I risk?
Well if I do not, I will be stuck in this darkness probably until I die, if I do, I might die, and I might live.
Then, what should I choose?
To risk, or to stay safe, and safe is not actually safe, it is also risky.
I am lost right now, a chance for light will do me no harm.
And so, he pushed the button on his object, and for his joy, it actually was a light.
He smiled, for the first time since he found himself in this place, his eyes burned, he haven’t seen light for long, it is only natural, but he kept the light on, and then, he started to examine the place, stones, rocks, it was almost like a desert, he heard crackling again, so he pointed the light to its location, and for his surprise, he saw a man!
He stood there looking, while the man screamed: turn that light away from me!
And so he did, then screamed the man again: turn off that light I don’t want to see it!
And so he asked: why?
Why do you not want to see the light?
The man replied: it burns my eyes, that’s enough isn’t it?
Do you not want to see?
No, I don’t need to.
I’m alive and that’s enough for now.
I turned off the light, then I realized, not everyone is ready to sacrifice comfort for light, so I walked away, and turned on my light again, continuing my journey, this time, with sight.

[hillwalker]

First of all - no one can teach you to write stories. They can teach you to improve your grammar and writing style and how to avoid the traps many aspiring writers fall into. But you have to have a story to tell - if you don't, no matter how well you write you are not a story-teller.

The first problem with this is that we begin with the main character's inner thoughts - he's not speaking to anybody so there's no need for speech marks but we need to know it's his thoughts we're reading rather than the author describing what is happening.
The best way to show internalised dialogue is by italics. If all the words he thinks to himself are italicised then it's easier for the reader to follow.

Secondly - his thoughts go on rather too long in my opinion. Sooner or the later the reader will want to know what is going on. Whose story are we reading? The longer you keep us waiting the more impatient we become. Impatient reader start to skim the story - or worse still, put it down and read something else.

It's dark. He doesn't know where he is or how he got there. That's all we need to know. He can't possibly know it's a strange place because he presumably can't see in the dark. Nor does it matter whether he remembers it or not, or why he needs to remember it. You're tying the story in knots. Keep it simple.

Thirdly, this sentence is dreadful:

No, then why do I not recall anything of it, yet I feel as if I know it, he thought so as he stretched his hand forward, nothing is in front of me, I can’t feel anything touching my hand…
Because there's no way of telling where his thoughts begin and end it makes no sense. If you put his internalised dialogue in italics there will be no need for 'he thought so'.
Begin a new sentence, perhaps along the lines of
'He stretched out his hand but there was nothing in front of it. . .'

The word 'So' isn't necessary at the start of the sentence where he tries to stand. The rest of the sentence
'looked left, looked right, all he could see was the infinite sea of darkness surrounding him.'
takes us nowhere. We already know it's dark. I'm getting bored now.

Most of the rest of this reverts to internalised dialogue again where he contemplates what might or might not happen.
193 words of nothing happening until he bumps into something.

Seriously, you have to cut this down to the bone. Few readers will have the patience to read through it in search of the story.

What happens when he discovers the object? Very little. More thinking. . . some of it making very little sense. If it's dark how does he know it's 'highly transparent'? And what is 'soft glass'?

Then he hears a sound. . . which has no relevance to the plot since it's then forgotten.

Quite a lot of time has passed since he started walking, he’s getting tired, thirsty and hungry, also scared, is there an end to this place?
Not for another 340 words at least.
You're boring your reader again because it's like watching one of them movies where it's so dark that we can't see anything. It goes on and on but nothing seems to be happening.

Then - ping! he turns on a light. And there's a man there who asks him to turn it off.
I turned off the light, then I realized, not everyone is ready to sacrifice comfort for light, so I walked away, and turned on my light again, continuing my journey, this time, with sight.

So - is this a story or is it meant to be some kind of allegory.

Well in all honesty, it's not much of a story. We spend too much time inside the character's head - listening to every single doubt he has. Not especially interesting. And the feeble plot seemed hardly worth the effort of reading.

You write well enough - but the subject matter is lacking at the moment. There's a simple and very effective way of learning how to write stories - read as many as you can to see how others do it. Keep writing by all means, but spend 9 hours reading for every hour you spend writing.

And if you want to read a simple book on how to write more effectively I'd suggest 'On Writing' by Stephen King. Someone who, for all his faults, knows how to write a story worth reading.

H

[Tallim]

well you're quit a patient guy I'll say,
thank you for that, I'll keep your notes in mind.

[CptnFut]

I could never break it down like Simon. I have just started writing myself. Minus a bit of the grammar, I thought it was well written. Never would have thought about the whole story line breakdown like him. haha

[Tallim]

I see,
thank you, your opinion is appreciated,
I expected to find a lot of grammar mistakes hence I'm not English.
I just write the story in the first language I think of it with.