Prologue: A New Home

[Misuto3]

This is the prologue of a story that I hope in years to come I might finish. I've been working on this story for a couple years now and I just want it to be right. Tell me what you think, what is bad, and what could need some working on. Also, if there's anything you liked about it please let me know, it'll help me decide if I should try to bring it out more in the story.
Thank you for your time and I hope you enjoy.
_____



Prologue

On one chilly midnight in a small quaint town a small group of three weaved silently through the streets. A woman clutched her husband's arm with one hand while in her other was the small hand of her three year old son. The little boy rubbed his eyes wearily and shivered as an icy breeze brushed against him. His mother frowned despondent with their circumstance. "Nixon," She said tugged on the sleeve of her husband, "he's freezing, we can't drag him around in the middle of the night like this anymore."
Nixon turned around and gazed sadly into the eyes of his lovely wife who also shared his depression. He stroked her hand. "I know, Lucy," He reassured softly, "We're almost at the foster home."
This wasn't much of a consolation to her however and she slid her hand out from underneath his. Nixon didn't try to retrieve it. He was just as disappointed with himself as she was with him.
Neither of them wanted to leave their second son to the foster home; but neither of them had a choice either. They were on the run from an organization which was searching desperately for Nixon. Nixon was their only chance to complete a weapon of mass destruction. He had the perfect DNA sequence that, if transferred into the weapon, could destroy half a populace in mere hours. The weapon's construction and details were all hidden away and unknown to everyone, even Nixon was unsure what the weapon was exactly, but he knew enough that running away and disappearing was his only option.
"We're here," He whispered as he strode up the steps of small house. He looked Lucy and saw the disapproval in her eyes, "I'm sorry, Love. It's our only choice."
Wiping her eye with the palm of her hand she knelt down and rubbed her son's shoulders quickly to warm him up. She smiled softly, trying to embrace the last moments with her son. "Hey, sweetie, look at mama," She whispered sweetly. "Roayx, look at me."
Exhausted and on the brink of his knees buckling Roayx looked up into his mother's eyes.
She smiled painfully and began to sob quietly. "Mama and papa are going away, honey," She said.
"Where?" Roayx asked.
"We'll come back for you as soon as possible, okay?" She kissed his cheek tenderly and held him in his arms for a while, knowing that they probably wouldn't ever see each other again.
She moved back and turned away because she couldn't bear to see his confused expression. Nixon stepped forward and put a his large hand on Roayx's shoulder, knowing that this would be his only chance to give Roayx the father's speech he always imagined to give his children. "Oi," Nixon leaned close and put his forehead to Roayx's, "Respect others, honor you, and never make a decision without thinking of the consequences. Understand me, son?"
Roayx nodded looking more disorientated and tired than ever. "Is Mitchell here?"
Nixon's heart swelled and he heard Lucy behind him inhale sharply. "No, Roayx, you're staying here alone." Mitchell was Nixon's first son. However, in the organization's pursuit to capture Nixon they took Mitchell which led Nixon and Lucy to the decision to leave Roayx somewhere safe- away from Nixon.
Roayx opened his eyes, utterly baffled, but before any words came out of his mouth the door of the house opened and a young woman stepped out.
"Nixon, is that you?" She asked holding up a flashlight.
"Yes," Nixon led Roayx over to the women, "Thank you, Guinevere."
Guinevere nodded wrapping her arm around Roayx.
Nixon placed his hand around Lucy's waist and they smiled for last time at their son. Then he turned around and led his wife away into darkness away from the house. Too exhausted and incoherent to grasp what was happening Roayx stood on the steps of the house and rubbing his sore tired eyes.

[hillwalker]

You ask elsewhere if there are good and bad ways to introduce a story. I would consider a Prologue to be one of the worst ways - it's usually a means of dumping background story onto the reader and introducing a host of characters. Neither will make the reader want to continue reading.

My advice - begin with Chapter 1 and make it intriguing enough for us to want to know what happens next.

So. . . opening with On one chilly midnight in a small quaint town doesn't work for me. It's like 'Once upon a time'. We don't see the story, we see the writer telling us a story.

Do we need to know who's hand is holding whose? Not really. Get to the point - a man and wife and small child wandering the streets in winter. Immediately we want to know why.

On a different matter, cluttering a piece with adjectives or adverbs isn't great writing either. Phrases like 'small quaint town' then a 'small group of three' add nothing. They are 3 people - so they are unlikely to be a large group.
Similarly 'gazed sadly into the eyes of his lovely wife' and 'He reassured softly' are over-written.

His mother frowned despondent with their circumstance.
tells us the same thing twice. She wouldn't be frowning if she was happy.

Then half way through this scene you provide us with what's called an info dump:
They were on the run . . . disappearing was his only option.
You do the same when you let slip the fact that the second son has been kidnapped.
It's terribly clumsy and poor writing. You have to reveal this more subtly as the plot unfolds - since presumably it's an integral part of the plot.

Nixon stepped forward and put a his large hand on Roayx's shoulder, knowing that this would be his only chance to give Roayx the father's speech he always imagined to give his children.
He's about to abandon his son for some bizarre reason and he decides to give a speech on morality. Are you serious?

The plot itself sounds vaguely interesting but the way it's written I'd not be looking to read further.
As for calling this the Prologue - is Chapter 1 radically different or does it pick up the story of one or more of the characters? Either way, this post is your opening chapter the way I see it. It just needs some work.

Finally - should you constantly revise instead of finishing the rough draft first. It depends whether you intend ever finishing writing your novel. If you are a good writer 6 to 9 months should normally be enough time to complete the draft and edit it so that it meets publishing standards. I'd be interested to learn how many rewrites it took you to complete your Prologue.

H

[Misuto3]

Are you saying that absolutely no book should have a prologue? Because that is a lot of books.


Do we need to know who's hand is holding whose? Not really. Get to the point - a man and wife and small child wandering the streets in winter. Immediately we want to know why.


I understand what you're saying here and I agree to some extent but I'm curious if this is more of a personal opinion?


Then half way through this scene you provide us with what's called an info dump:
They were on the run . . . disappearing was his only option.
You do the same when you let slip the fact that the second son has been kidnapped.
It's terribly clumsy and poor writing. You have to reveal this more subtly as the plot unfolds - since presumably it's an integral part of the plot.

Okay, I see what you're telling me however previously you stated that people want to know why they were wandering the middle of the streets. Did I just give to much info?


The plot itself sounds vaguely interesting but the way it's written I'd not be looking to read further.
As for calling this the Prologue - is Chapter 1 radically different or does it pick up the story of one or more of the characters? Either way, this post is your opening chapter the way I see it. It just needs some work.

Chapter 1 is fast forward to the present. The prologue was supposed to be a flash back to fill in some blanks later in the story.

Thank you so much for feedback though. I much prefer people telling me where I messed up and what needs work than making me feel great and encouraging me to finish a very poor thought of story.

[Calidore]

Chapter 1 is fast forward to the present. The prologue was supposed to be a flash back to fill in some blanks later in the story.

That's where you want it then. Until the reader hits the blanks, the flashback means nothing, as nothing it relates to has happened yet. Give the reader the blanks in such a way as to interest him in what happened, then drop in the flashback in pieces or all at once, whatever works best.

[hillwalker]

Of course it's a personal opinion - like every opinion anyone else will give you. But I read a great deal and know what works for most writers - and what doesn't. So many writers misuse prologues the way you have here - a rather lazy way of bringing the reader up to speed with what happened before the 'real story' began. We're not interested just yet - not until we get to know the main character and bond with him/her.

Why are they wandering the streets in the middle of the night? It's not because Nixon's expertise is needed to complete the production of a weapon of mass destruction. It's because they are on the run and are trying to get their son to safety. The reason why they are on the run can be drip fed to us much later as the story unfolds.

If the novel is set in the present then that's where the novel needs to begin. Whose story is it? Roayx's? If so, he can have a vague memory of being abandoned by his parents but not knowing why. Then that's your cue to tell the story from his viewpoint. There's more opportunity for conflict if he knows nothing of his father's history until he's old enough to investigate his own past.

H

[hannah_arendt]

I would put those elements from the prologue to the first chapter.