The Sacred Accident

[Lykren]

The Sacred Accident

Oh yes, hurt me if you like,
said his tombstone to his wife one day.
But I will survive the ordnance
of both sun and moon,
like a riderless bicycle that almost floats
downhill, flashing by windows eternally
awake, and never at ease.

When she broke her foot and screamed,
the pain washed like a mist
over the dry landscape and the burning sky,
the crippled grasses. Her heart withered,
and that was all shame needed to move in.

The pond on the edge of the field
whistled its light back into the sun
and shifted. So the wind also touched
the wife. So it touched the daughter,
the hawk, the pale cracked leaves
scattered in places across the porch.
Cooling them.

This was not a candle, nor fire.
It was emptiness,
to a fault.

[Hawkman]

Superficially, this seems to be a flowing poem rich in imagery, until, that is one actually reads what is being said. For a start, the title is misleading as there appears to be nothing sacred or even accidental in the poem's narrative. It is implied that the "wife" deliberately kicked the tombstone, which broke her foot. if she'd tripped over it, it might be considered accidental.

There are also some peculiar word choices: "the ordinance of sun and moon" Exactly what decrees and or orders do they issue? How is a tombstone, for the voice of the poem seems to be that of the stone, like a riderless bike floating downhill? Tombstones are not renowned for their lightness or mobility.

How does the pond whistle or even shift?

I'd also query the mention of "the daughter" in the penultimate verse as she comes out of nowhere, not having been mentioned before. "the" hawk? what's so special about this one in particular? "A" hawk would be more appropriate.

What was not a candle or a fire?

So, due to some weird word choices and peculiar imagery, the whole edifice becomes a rather empty vessel. The idea behind it is good and the style is attractive, but ultimately it lacks substance. You need to pay more attention to what you are actually saying, keep your imagery consistent with the theme, and most importantly, try to make it plausible in context.

Live and be well - H

[Lykren]

Thanks Hawk. I'll try to address a few of the things you've mentioned, but I realize your overall assessment is probably not lacking in relevance.

The title refers to the 'accident' that is death, that is, the way death seems to represent an absurdity. It is sacred in that we honor it with silence, rituals, etc.

'Ordinance' was a misspelling of 'ordnance'. Will fix this. Hope it makes more sense that way, but I'm aware it's a rather elastic metaphor to employ.

The simile of the bicycle refers more to death's occupancy in the wife's mind than the tombstone.

The pond whistles in tandem with the wind which shifts its waters, taking on its qualities.

The daughter and the hawk are mentioned in order to briefly expand the universe of the poem, to bring clarity to its intent. I chose to make it 'the' hawk because I felt it was more useful to have the universality of the poem constrained to a few particulars, which in turn represent a wider world.

Lastly, the mother's 'heart' is not a candle nor a fire. That is, our resistance to death is not a legitimate cause for hope, but rather, is full of emptiness.


Maybe this makes the poem clearer for you, maybe not. Feel free to point out any flaws you see in my reasoning, though, if you like :)

[blank|verse]

This is certainly an intriguing poem, Lykren, that deserves and rewards repeated reading. Before your explanation, I read ‘sacred accident’ as being the wife breaking her foot against the tombstone.

I can accept either ‘the ordnance | of both sun and moon’ metaphorically, but syntactically, this is the tombstone speaking, which ultimately won’t survive the effects of time; likewise, the ‘riderless bicycle’ will stop or crash (fairly quickly), and I agree with Hawk that this image is out of place in this poem, as evocative as it is.

I’ve no problem with the pond ‘whistling its light back into the sun’, which I read as a synaesthetic image of the light reflecting off the pond surface. (It also has nice assonantal echoes of ‘crippled’ and ‘withered’.) As you’ve explained, the pond ‘shifts’ because of the wind… which also touched the wife, and with it, other things of the world, thereby taking on symbolic, possibly religious connotations, as it has a miraculous, calming influence; or of the healing power of nature, perhaps.

I also read the wind as ‘not a candle, nor fire | it was emptiness’. Syntactically, this is what you’re saying as the pronoun ‘this’ finds its antecedent in ‘the wind’. If you want it to relate to the heart, you need to change this.

The last couple of stanzas remind me of Wallace Stevens, in subject and, to an extent, language; ‘The Wind Shifts’ from [I]Harmonium is brought to mind. In fact, I prefer this second, more abstract ‘half’ of the poem to the first; the opening two lines become weaker and a bit cloying on re-reading.

In terms of the poem’s argument, it’s quite complete in that actions have consequences – the wife kicks the tomb, breaks her foot, and the consequence is pain and shame. The wind blows and makes things better. This is a world in which everything works and has a purpose. But it seems to contradict what you’ve said about death being an ‘accident’. Surely death is very much a part of this ‘complete’ world?

Personally, I don’t like the introduction of the moral response to breaking her foot – the ‘shame’; I’d be tempted to cut out or rephrase:

Her heart withered,
and that was all shame needed to move in.
On reflection, I think the biggest issue with the poem is it’s not saying what you want it to. In a way, I wish you hadn’t explained your intentions, because I quite liked it before you said it was intended to be a meditation on death.

However, I don’t want to sound too critical, because I think there’s a lot of imagination here. It’s also commendable that you’re continuing to post, as I see some of your other recent poems have gone without comments, yet are certainly deserving of more praise.

Enjoyable to read, Lykren, thanks for posting it.

[Lykren]

And thank you for your perceptive criticism, blankverse. It's always interesting to see how differently readers respond to a work.