A Day in the Life

[Red-Headed]

Blackbird perched on wall
his tail bobbing up & down -
hover-flies buzz by,

reflective birdsong
transports me to a time past -
before they were born.

Early morning dew
on beautiful daffodils -
stinging nettles guard.

Flutter Red Admiral -
whilst sunlight refracts in pond
bending golden fish.

Snail, in his small house
tired of the gypsy life
throws away his shell,

liberated now
he is enjoying the Spring
a little too much.

Diurnal passing
of Mother Nature’s garden,
night; inevitable.

Warm waft of pollen
honey of summer is soon -
my nose tells me so

as fractal clouds
shroud the baleful eye of a
blinking western sun

sinking ever low
eventually to sleep
to wake tomorrow.

Effulgent sunset
golden clouds illuminate -
blackbird's evening song.

[AuntShecky]

A few suggestions:


reflective birdsong
transports me to a time past -
before they were born.

What is the antecedent for "they"-- the hoverflies? Also, I wonder why this nostalgic theme is introduced, only to be dropped.


Early morning dew
on beautiful daffodils -
stinging nettles guard.

The subject/ verb and its object are reversed. Try:
Stinging nettles guard
(the) early morning dew
on beautiful daffodils.

Maybe you could think of a more expressive adjective than "beautiful."


Flutter Red Admiral -
whilst sunlight refracts in pond
bending golden fish.

A red admiral flutters
(The rest of the stanza is fine, except "while" might work better than "whilst.")


Snail, in his small house
tired of the gypsy life
throws away his shell,

liberated now
he is enjoying the Spring
a little too much.

(The) snail "tired of the gypsy life" is a cute phrase, but in its current position it modifies "small house." There is another misplaced modifier in "liberated now" in that its closest noun is "shell." Why is the snail enjoying the Spring a little too much?


Diurnal passing
of Mother Nature’s garden,
night; inevitable.

Logic would place this stanza closer to the end of the piece. Substitute a colon ( : ) for the semi-colon after "night." Even so, this passage is merely a statement of the obvious.


Warm waft of pollen
honey of summer is soon -
my nose tells me so

Jumbled syntax and word order. Is this what you mean?:
My nose tells me
(that) the warm waft
of summer's pollen honey
will be here soon.


as fractal clouds
shroud the baleful eye of a
blinking western sun

The first two lines of this stanza are too consciously "poetic." Do "shroud" and "baleful" convey a message consistent with the rest of the piece? But "blinking western sun" is great!

That's where I think the verse should end, because the stanza that follows

sinking ever low
eventually to sleep
to wake tomorrow.

is hackneyed and just as obvious as the stanza that begins with "diurnal passing" and this stanza:

Effulgent sunset
golden clouds illuminate -
blackbird's evening song.

is, again, too consciously "poetic," although it does give you an opportunity to use "effulgent." I did not know that blackbirds sang after sunset.

For "cheap" advice on commas and how to know whether to use a colon or a semi-colon,click this punctuation guide (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?56601-Auntie-s-Down-and-Dirty-Punctuation-Guide).

[Red-Headed]

Yes, thank you for your advice. All of the words are written as I originally wished them. It is based on an Imagist style & deliberately designed to resemble translations of Asiatic poetry. It is even written in a deliberate haiku/senryu psuedo-form. The punctuation & syntax were also intended to resemble Imagist & translations of Asiatic poetry. Particularly the translations that the Imagists themselves were so inspired by. Thank you for reading the poem though.

[Hawkman]

Well that's all very well, but in reading this it comes over like a stereotypical, Hollywood scriptwriter's attempt at a string of Chinese aphorisms. I could see Micky Rooney or Peter Lorre as Mr. Moto, delivering the lines, complete with round, horn-rimmed spectacles and false buck teeth, with sticky tape pulling his eyes sideways to make them look more oriental.

The poem would be more convincing if couched in more syntactically sound and grammatically compliant English. The oriental flavour can be easily achieved without resorting to the kind of language found in instruction manuals for video recorders. For me, the effect is of bad translation, rather than effective poetry.

Live and be well - H

[Red-Headed]

"Well that's all very well, but in reading this it comes over like a stereotypical, Hollywood scriptwriter's attempt at a string of Chinese aphorisms. I could see Micky Rooney or Peter Lorre as Mr. Moto, delivering the lines, complete with round, horn-rimmed spectacles and false buck teeth, with sticky tape pulling his eyes sideways to make them look more oriental. "

I'm a quarter Cantonese, I don't feel as if I have stereotyped my grandparents at all. Besides, haiku/senryu are Japanese in origin. I wonder which one of us is the real racist here?

"The poem would be more convincing if couched in more syntactically sound and grammatically compliant English. The oriental flavour can be easily achieved without resorting to the kind of language found in instruction manuals for video recorders. For me, the effect is of bad translation, rather than effective poetry."

I take it you have never read much Imagist poetry. I'd think before you write in future, before accusing anyone of racial bigotry.

[Hawkman]

http://www.writing.upenn.edu/~afilreis/88/imagism-def.html

Nowhere in the above imagist manifesto is it suggested that common conventions of grammar and syntax should be dispensed with. In fact it states that exactitude of word choices are paramount, in a way this previsions of the constructivist manifesto which stated that art and material should be complimentary, or "tectonic". The imagist manifesto also says that poetry should be expressed in common language, rather than the conventional floridity of overt romanticism. In no way can your poem be determined as being in common speech.

I am quite familiar with the poetry of Pound, by the way.

I confess that your racial origins were unknown to me and I thought that the bad English and grammar contributing to a rather turgid poem was intentional and based around some less than valid theory. I now realise it was merely unfamiliarity with basic English grammar and syntax.

Oh, and Mr Moto was supposed to be Japanese, by the way, even though Peter Lorre was actually German.

My criticism remains valid, in that the effect of the verses above is akin to a bad translation.