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Steven Hunley
06-02-2013, 05:57 PM
Lawrence Torn Up
by
Steven Hunley

I hadn’t seen Larry in a while, not after he spent more time at his AA meetings than at O’Hooligan’s. It was a beat-up establishment, a meeting place for the recycled and remanufactured, an alcohol dispensary complete with soothing and soppy music. So when I spied him balancing on a barstool, I knew he’d fallen off the wagon.

It’s my girl,” he confided. “She gave me the air."

“Well, maybe it’s just a temporary thing. Maybe she’ll change her mind.”

“Not this time, Old Buddy. Called me up on the phone, told me our relationship was ‘shifting’.” He attempted to loosen his tie. Larry never wore a tie.

“Shifting?”

“Just her way of saying ‘over’.”

“I get ya.”

When the barkeep drew near I said, “I’ll have whatever he’s having," and he gave me a nod. Muffled laughter snuck out of a hidden corner. Somebody lit a match. Another somebody rouged her cheeks a little too much. A man's poorly-trimmed nail snagged his long-legged girlfriend's butterfly-patterned stockings.

“This happened once before with her didn’t it?”

“Yeah, but this time it’s for real. You know, when a woman tells you you’ve got no future together, it’s worse than simple break up in the here and now. It robs a man of his dreams, his future. Say, you did time once, didn’t ya?”

“You know I did.”

I knew what was coming up. Larry had studied acting, and he was drunk. There was no way on earth he wasn’t going to get all dramatic. I could see the curtain was about to rise any minute, and was glad I was already sitting down.

“Here’s your Hennesy," said Smitty the barkeep. "Remember what Napoleon said about cognac and heroes."

“No matter how dark it was in the hole,” Larry continued, “there was always light at the end of the tunnel, your release date. That kept you going. But when a woman robs a man of his future, she graduates from a misdemeanor petty thief caught stealing silk stockings from Macy’s, to a top-drawer criminal like Capone, Dillinger or Bonnie and Clyde committing emotional murder."

“At least the old time criminals had the moxie to jettison the euphemisms.”

“That right! They knew when it was time to take off the euphemism-gloves and bare-knuckle a man down in the dust with a plain old fashioned ‘it’s over’.”

“That would be the humane thing to do,” I said. "Then she could left-hook him with a,'It’s not you, It’s me.'

When the jukebox started playing Promises Promises by Naked Eyes, Larry gave it a rabid-dog look. If anyone was an expert on promises broken, either verbal or implied, it was he, not some British eighties rock group. Caught up in a maudlin state the size of Texas, Larry believed he owned the patents on regret and sorrow.

“And people say they’re the weaker sex,” he said, looking down at his toes, shaking his head, giving out a great sigh, as if he'd taken the entire weight of the heavens on his narrow shoulders. Like Atlas, Larry felt tricked and trapped in the most dramatic fashion he could imagine.

“How much of it was your fault? Some of it must have been your fault.”

“Yeah, that’s what sucks. I’m a loser. I'm singing the Beatles here. I got no future, I’m a no-future kind of guy, so how could we ever of had one together?’

“I guess it wasn’t in the cards.”

“I guess not.”

Again, a song rang out from the jukebox. It was the Rolling Stones, written when they were in their bad-boy-tough-attitude-towards-women period.Titled All Sold Out, it seemed to match Lawrence’s mood at this moment, while he searched his limited vocabulary for a word that described his feelings.

Besmirched, bewildered, betrayed, left-behind, abandoned, run-aground, sinking, suffocated, stepped-on, squashed, flattened, no matter the word, it would lack the power to accurately describe his pathetic condition.

Every memory, every intimate conversation, was tainted, and left a bad taste in his mouth. The memory of each exquisite kiss, which, when they were hundreds of miles apart, brought him sweet hours of solace, he wanted to spit out like venom.

“How are you dealing with it? Seems like you're hurting. Looks like you were run over by a truck.”

He sobered for a second and sat up straight. “I’m doin’ pretty good. Been looking on one of those dating sites, got an account and all. Got thirty women want to meet me, right off.”

Then a dark squall approached and he deflated as quickly and he inflated. “Only one thing bothers me.”

“What’s that?”

“Me and Babygirl were an item for three years, three years! I kept her from discovering my faults for a long time before she got sick of me, before I failed to measure up to her high-altitude standards.”

“And?”

“I was thinkin the other day, I want a smart woman, see? Not your average cupcake, a bright sparkly diamond girl. But it occurred to me, that whatever Babygirl figured out, they’ll all figure out, sooner or later. It’s only a matter of time.”

“Well...gee...that’s a depressing thought.”

“Yes," he hiccupped, and glanced around at the empty faces of humanity. "As a matter of fact it is.”

The barkeep approached and whispered in my ear. “Your wife was on the phone, said to bring home a pint of cream for the Portuguese gravy.”

“Thanks, Smitty. Larry, I have to bounce. I hope we’ll meet in the future.”

“Don’t worry,” he said, looking down sadly at the bottom of his wasted glass, his blue liquid eyes drowned in sorrow, pupils as dark as the Black Hole of Calcutta, feverishly searching for solace like twin alcohol magnets.

“You'll know where to find me. Just look under the Vs for victim, victim of love."

©Steven Hunley 2013


http://youtu.be/JUe-lXAoSZI Beatles I'm a Loser

http://youtu.be/WBupia9oidU Naked Eyes Promises Promises

http://youtu.be/aiDLxsT3OpQ Rolling Stones All Sold Out

http://youtu.be/5CtMiALhcls Seals and Crofts Diamond Girl

Hawkman
06-02-2013, 06:45 PM
This is ok as far as it goes but it's nearly all dialogue. It needs fleshing out a bit with a little description. Build the atmosphere.

You need to take care with awkward continuations of dialogue too. The bit where the barkeep approached - then you have another paragraph with a line of dialogue, but it reads badly because a new para indicates a new speaker, but as I said, it's continuation. This needs framing/presenting better.

Live and be well - H

Steven Hunley
06-03-2013, 12:18 AM
Done. Great suggestion Hawk.

kittypaws
06-03-2013, 01:15 AM
Good write Steven.
kittypaws

jayat
06-03-2013, 07:21 AM
<<"And people say they’re the weaker sex,” said Larry, looked down at his toes, shook his head, and gave a great sigh.>>

Comment: A writer in my country said once on TV: <<Women deal our country because the bed "belongs" to them>>...I can't agree more.

AuntShecky
06-12-2013, 05:33 PM
Great opening!

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with the dialogue; these are precisely the mundane platitudes we use to comfort one another. Even so, they could be given the Archie Bell treatment --"Tighten up" -- just a teeny little bit.

What I like best is the evocative ambience, especially the guy's hang nail nicking the broad's-- --or the "skirt's"-- stocking. I'm using un-PC and passé terms because that description reminds me of the wolfish cad in the old Betty Boop cartoons, the cigar-chomping fat guy who couldn't keep his hands off Betty's gams. One little throwaway line in your story, though, speaks, as they say, "volumes." That's what we mean by "show, don't tell."

I also loved the homely reference with the bartender telling the narrator how his wife called in need of the --highly specific!-- grocery item. Details such as this give your writing verisimilitude, if I spelled it correctly. (I wonder why the wife didn't call him directly on his cell phone, though.)

And finally-- I'm sure you heard this joke, which, like the aforementioned Max Fleisher cartoon, predates yours fooly by a number of decades. But I'll repeat here, for the benefit(?) of our more youthful LitNutters. "Q: What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic? A: A drunk doesn't have to go to all those damned meetings."

MANICHAEAN
06-13-2013, 12:30 AM
Dear Steve

Interesting piece, in so far as the mark of an accomplished writer is to keep your reader in the company of flesh and blood. I disagree with Hawk regards build up, as “beat up establishment” and ladies in “butterfly-patterned stockings” sums the bar up well.

Get your imagination around alternative ways of expressing; “flotsam and jetsam” and “cry-in-your-beer.” If need be have a couple of stiff ones to get the juices flowing, but definitely not Heineken with popcorn. If that’s what you drink in California then I’m crossing said Sunshine State off my bucket list of places to visit upon retirement!

Want to know the definition of an alcoholic? It’s a man who you don’t like who drinks as much as you do according to the late Welsh poet Dylan Thomas. Talking of poets, you might reflect on the following piece from Byron which, though snug in a different time frame, is relevant in sentiment to your piece.

Best regards
M.


Dear Jayat
Perceptive comment.
M.

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this!
The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow-
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame:
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.
They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o’er me-
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee
Who knew thee too well:
long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.
In secret we met-
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.

jayat
06-13-2013, 01:26 PM
Thanks, manichean, but I repeat: it's not mine. Josep Pla, a Catalan writer from the past century, told it once on TV on purpose of women power, influence, etc. on our country. He added that perceptive, smart comment, yes, definitely. Josep Pla visited U.S. three times an related what he saw there in your country. He got impressed by the magnitude everything had got, principally...and don't think bad...jejejeje.

Nice poem.

MANICHAEAN
06-14-2013, 02:30 AM
Dear jayat
Thanks for the information on Josep Pla. Where is the bit on "women deal our country because the bed belongs to them?"
"Obres Completes" is 46 volumes. Please give me a clue!!
Best regards
M.

Hawkman
06-15-2013, 02:40 AM
Hi Steven: yes, that's a vast improvement on the original posting. Good edits. One thing I'm not sure about though is the bit where Larry puts a quarter in the Juke Box. He's described as balancing on a bar stool, which kind of implies he's at the bar, as does the dialogue from the barkeep. So where is the Juke box? Did Larry get up and walk over to it? This would put a break in the conversation, unless the narrator walks over with him. How loud is the music? Does it have an affect on how they speak, i.e. do they have to start shouting, or does the music affect the mood? Do you see what I'm getting at? It's an action which is mentioned, but the consequences aren't, so why mention it?

“That would be the humane thing to do,” I said. "Then she could left-hook him with a “It’s not you, It’s me.”

You might want to take a look at the punctuation here. I think I'd have done it like this:

“That would be the humane thing to do,” I said. "Then she could left-hook him with; 'It’s not you, It’s me.'"


Live and be well - H

Adamite
06-15-2013, 03:10 PM
Hi Hawkman, I think I am not familiar enough with different writing styles to give any professional opinion and I don't mean to offend either but, as a reader I liked the story and the way it was written. And from my perspective you come off as a snob with your comments. Like what's with these question about the Juke Box? The guy turned it on, does it really matter how?

Like I said, no offense, cool name btw.

Adamite

Hawkman
06-15-2013, 05:06 PM
Adamite: it's not about particular styles, it's about good practice. Good writing is about attention to detail, making the elements fit together. Irrelevant items are distractions, there needs to be diegesis and continuity in the narrative. Like I said, cause & effect. Just throwing in a random action is not good storytelling. It has to be coherently incorporated. One minute the guy is on a stool by the bar, the next he's putting on a song. He hasn't moved though. Neither is there a break in the conversation. It's not part of the plot, and it doesn't advance the story, it effectively short circuits it, like a jump cut resulting from a missing piece of a film.

If having an appreciation of how to write makes me a snob, then I freely admit that I am one. Glad you like the handle.

Live and be well - H

Steven Hunley
06-15-2013, 05:34 PM
Hawk, You have a point, no more details as window dressing unless they relate to the plot. I fixed up you and Man's suggestions. After all, that's what revisions are all about. The connection between the song and his state of mind is now crystal clear. And I threw out the clichés for Man too. Thanks for your help, both of you.


Just met a rare gem and decided to add the song. Thanks Elvis for being a diamond girl.

AuntShecky
06-19-2013, 05:18 PM
decided to add the song. diamond girl.

"You sure do shine." (Not just the girl.)

Buh4Bee
08-15-2013, 11:22 PM
Steven, whatever you did to the piece must have improved it. Thanks for the read.

Steven Hunley
05-20-2018, 08:00 PM
Wrote this one after an ill-adventure. Played the part of victim too well.

kiz_paws
05-21-2018, 10:30 AM
Enjoyed this, Steven.