Five

[Pendragon]

Five

It’s all about sight, and what I’m seeing
Shapes and shadows, colors bleeding
Faces floating in every crowd
Landscapes, seascapes, city towers
So much to see and time is fleeting
It’s all about sight and what I’m seeing…

It’s all about sound, and what I’m hearing
Voices of loved ones disappearing
Birds that sing, rumble of the streets
Discordant symphony of different beats
The sirens wail, death is nearing
It’s all about sound and what I’m hearing

It’s all about scent, the things I’m smelling
Stench of life, perfumes compelling
Acrid smoke, the ozone burning
Smell of death sets the stomach churning
Vomit from last night’s reveling
It’s all about scent and what I’m smelling

It’s all about zest, and what I taste
Air contaminated by toxic waste
Processed food that has no flavor
Bitter, sour, salty—what’s to savor?
Viands with putrid poison laced—
It’s all about zest, and the things I taste…

It’s all about touch, the things I’m feeling
Sticky, wet rags, the crime concealing
Sharp edges bite, rough surfaces burn
Touch slides past the point of no return
The floor is smeared with blood congealing
It’s all about touch and what I’m feeling…

Pendragon
(C) 5/31/2012

[NickBrown]

I really appreciate your iambic pentameter, but some of the stresses that iambic meter requires sounds awkward (such as in the first line; I don't like how "sight" is unstressed). The lack of punctuation at the ends of your lines detracts from the rhythm, rather than enhancing it. When I read it out loud, everything just blurred together. You also list the actual body parts in the third and fourth stanzas, but didn't in the first, second, and fifth. Still, your descriptions were incredible, and your diction phenomenal.

[Pendragon]

I really appreciate your iambic pentameter, but some of the stresses that iambic meter requires sounds awkward (such as in the first line; I don't like how "sight" is unstressed). The lack of punctuation at the ends of your lines detracts from the rhythm, rather than enhancing it. When I read it out loud, everything just blurred together. You also list the actual body parts in the third and fourth stanzas, but didn't in the first, second, and fifth. Still, your descriptions were incredible, and your diction phenomenal.

Thank you. I corrected that oversight!

[Jerrybaldy]

I am no judge of iambic pentameter but I thought it read well and was very well crafted.