A song of beyond

[DieterM]

First song

Let’s jump into the river Seine
From the Pont des Arts,
Float downstream to Le Havre
And out into the sea

Let’s swim northward then and listen
To the bells of the Old High Church
As the clouds open up
Above St Michael’s Mount

Let’s drift southward and be washed ashore
Under the dunes of Agadir
Where blasts of Chergui will dry
Our salted skin

Let’s switch off the cities,
Let’s turn into dolphins,
Let’s get lost at sea
Like drunken boats

[DieterM]

Second song

15:58 and emptiness,
when treacle Friday has a Monday feel
and retirement is not
just around the corner
when 40 is the new 80
and the minute hand
goes up one, slowly
ever so slowly
to yawning 15:59

[Hawkman]

Hi Dieter. I'm afraid that gay dolphins just makes me want to laugh. The fact that the word is now so synonymous with the gay community just makes me think of alternative sexual orientation. Whilst I feel no inclination to criticize this per se and even though I acknowledge that homosexuality is not confined to our species - I have personally witnessed it in horses and even ferrets - for some reason the idea of a gay dolphin just tickles my funny bone. Not sure about the last line of that poem either. Daily vomit? sounds like a chronic illness, so it doesn't really work in context.

As for the clock watching poem, I'd just call it 15:58 and start it at Line 4. The three lines before this aren't working because they don't really make sense.

Apart from my observations, which, in the case of the first poem, I admit, are entirely subjective, you've given us something enjoyable to read.

Live and be well - H

[DieterM]

I hear you, Hawkman, I hear you! But if I made you chuckle, ain't that worth it? ;-) And in which book did I read the complaint that "gay was such a perfectly nice word before"? Can't remember it right now **chuckles, too**

Of course you're right. Even if "gay" initially means something as straight (could there be a pun here?) as "joyous", it is nowadays linked to another meaning altogether (even in France and its natural horror for anglicisms, mayors don't marry homos but gays since Wednesday). Don't ask me why I was thinking of "gay dolphins" anyway… I'll have to find a better word.

As for the second poem, I see what you mean, too. Wasn't so sure whether I should sprout 'em places and gazes anyway. And seems I shouldn't :-)

As for the title, I'm sure I will come up with more songs of beyond until next Thursday when the weather forecasters finally promise us a bit of sun (been out a bit this morning, with a tendency to hide ever since—at least, it's dry outside, which will change on Monday, or so they say…)

[Haunted]

I adore the first song, although I have the same reaction as Hawk. Best to avoid ambiguous words if it's not your intended meaning. You had me thinking of a joyful riverboat ride which is just lovely until the last stanza. "human condition" is too heavy and weakens what came before. Unless you really want to inject the gross factor, you would not even need the last stanza.... Just a thought.

The second song is also very well done. The idea of "40 is the new 80" is frightening. Say it isn't so!

[DieterM]

thanks h., and you're absolutely right. Took out the parts in both songs that you and Hawkman found feeble or nonsensical, and rather like the result!
Oh, and as for the 40—just you wait to get there! ;-) But I'd like to reassure you that sometimes, my 40 feel the new 20, too, so I guess it's a rather balanced experience.

[DieterM]

Third song

Our Father (Mother? Anything? Nothing?)
In… Gee, wherever. Some place
Without rain on Monday mornings,
That cloud no. 7 that I doubt is yours.
Hallowed be your name, they say,
The same who shallow it and hollow it.
Your kingdom come? No thank you,
I’d rather you were president,
If you don’t mind,
For I could vote you out eventually.
Your will be done. Or mine.
Your choice but don’t expect me to obey.
On earth as in—again?
Why heaven when
You can have Paris, or Zanzibar,
Or the isle of Crete?
Take away my daily hunger,
My hope to win the lottery,
My senseless delusion that one day,
I’ll cash in the Nobel Prize.
Forgive me my weakness—
Sorry, I don’t do sins—,
But forgive me anyway,
And I might love you back one day.
I might even start to believe
In you, whoever, wherever.
Save me from the time of vain craving
And deliver me from bookkeeping
and tedious office meetings
and trademarked US-coffee® that tastes like pee.
For me, my power, and my glory, and—
Oh what the f uck…
I can’t even believe that little…

[Hawkman]

I like the idea behind this Dieter, but it's far too busy at the start. The excessive digressions spoil the flow. There are too many ings in the first line, and the full stop after wherever in L2 would be better as a comma. I'd cut the line about the cloud, it sounds like a line of cosmetics. L6 "the same" doesn't work for me, "those who" would. Cut "again" in L13, leave the emdash in though, it forms a Bridge to the next line. L26 I'd cut "whoever, wherever," it's repetition and you've already made the point. Lastly, cut the last line.

The rest of it is rather fun!

Live and be well - H

[AuntShecky]

Methinks the entire trio of these splendid, Dieter.

I read the line about the dolphins, but didn't catch in the lines that they were gay. (By the bye, the adjective is still valid for both meanings, because you can usually tell which one through the context. Although sometimes there's ambiguity, as in the song lyric: "Broadway!Broadway!/Everybody's happy/ and gay." Oh, I kid! I kid! Only recently has the new meaning of the way been a noun. There was a joke to that effect at least a decade ago on a wonderful American sit-com, The Larry Sanders Show.) Even so, I'd buy the concept of "gay dolphins" before buying "drunken boats."

Loved the line: "40 is the new 80." And the post-mod parody of The Lord's Prayer is irreverent but funny as. . .heck.

[DieterM]

@Hawkman, glad you had fun with that latest offering. I did get carried away a bit, I guess; I'll certainly edit them sometime later.

@Auntie, thanks for your praise, it means a lot to me! Well, for the gay dolphins, you came too late as I've deprived them of gayness now (wehre it's plain "doplhins", it was just "gay dlphins" before so you don't miss much of the fun). On second reading, it did sound a bit like dolphins *****ing about who of Barbra Strei-Hering or Judy Gar-Swordfish was better and if George Clownfish'll get out of the corals one day, so I took it out ;-) As for the "drunken boats", I was hinting at one famous drunken boat (the one in Rimbaud's famous poem "Le Bateau Ivre").