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Jett Black
05-28-2013, 02:02 PM
Remember the house we built in a dream
By the sky and the misty sea?
I went there tonight on a lonely moonbeam
For at last I found I was free.

You waited for me on the virgin sand
In the shadow of the threatening skies,
You came to me and touched my hand
And I called you angel eyes.

We stood holding hands on that lonely shore
Like phantoms in the dark black night,
Then you touched my lips and I wanted more
And my being was bathed in your light.

You smiled at me while the wind whipped your hair
And you saw through my childish disguise,
For at that moment even my heart was bare
And I called you angel eyes.

The touch of your hand was like poetry
My flesh was burnt by your fire,
When you spoke your voice was a symphony
And my soul cried out with desire.

I touched you and you touched me
The winter wind echoed our sighs,
For we both knew that this had to be
And I called you angel eyes.

The rain came then like large wet tears
And we turned our faces to the sky,
I prayed the rain would drown my fears
For in time we'd be saying goodbye.

We left the beach for the house on the hill
For now there would be no goodbyes,
As we entered the door my heart stood still
And I called you angel eyes.

The room with the fire and rugs was there
Remember the plans that we made?
Then all at once I knew we'd share
For you looked at me unafraid.

For the very first time I kissed your lips
And you knew when you heard my cries,
You soothed my pain with your fingertips
And I called you angel eyes.

When I released you the fire was dead
But our love was alive and well,
And as we lay with the floor our bed
The healing rain still fell.

Then we left and went back to the sand
And sat watching a morbid moonrise,
I turned to you and kissed your hand
And I called you angel eyes.

The sea was calm and the wind was still
The stars above were now clear,
But in my heart there lingered the chill
Leaving you was my only fear.

Remember the house we built in a dream
The house with no goodbyes?
Our home on the hill is only a dream
As are you my angel eyes.

hillwalker
05-28-2013, 02:27 PM
This reads like a cross between an adolescent love letter and a Bon Jovi song.
Not particularly great poetry.

It's either extremely personal - in which case it means something to the woman with the 'angel eyes' but absolutely nothing to the rest of us. Or you're aiming to write slushy love poetry purely for the hell of it - in which case, I'd like to see you taking risks and writing poetry that means something. You have the technical ability (as long as you don't rely too much on a formal rhyme scheme) - but your subject matter seems to be stuck in a rut. This is pure Hallmark.

H

Delta40
05-28-2013, 05:11 PM
I don't know who this Hillwalker guy is (I imagine he lives in some land with lots of hills that he walks up) but he's right on the money. I'd love to disagree with him but alas, it cannot be. Your short stories are sentimental too so I wonder if it's something about you when Hill suggests taking risks because you can write and I enjoy reading your postings to see how you develop.

Silas Thorne
05-28-2013, 07:11 PM
Is this a rerelease? I'm sure I looked at this one before a few days ago, and some other people commented on it. I didn't comment I think because it was much of a muchness from beginning to end. The beats vary wildly in each line too, and I lost the rhythm completely when I got to 'In the shadow of the threatening skies'.
Really, I agree with hillwalker and others that it would be good for you to do something quite different poetically.

cafolini
05-28-2013, 07:14 PM
I don't buy the idea that this is trashy stuff. I don't understand either what is meant by taking risks. Some topics might be thrown up in the air just like this is. Why not? One thing is that I wouldn't answer it and another is that it shouldn't be written like this. That's up to the author.

hillwalker
05-29-2013, 12:38 PM
It's not trashy (i.e. resembling trash) so much as kitch (sugary sweet and romantic to the point of suffocation). Taking risks is using ones ability to take a step into the unknown. Jett's comfort zone is clearly there for us all to see. But is that all he's got? I hope not.

H

Jett Black
05-29-2013, 02:32 PM
Hi Guys; Forgive me for replying to your comments en bloc so to speak, but I don't want it to appear to a casual onlooker that my thread has garnered a gazillion replies when half of them are from me to you.

HD: You have hit the nail firmly on the head! I wrote "Angel Eyes" when I was much younger and madly in love with an even younger "brown eyed girl!" Isn't it totally ridiculous what love does to a guy? I guess it's juvenile ... however the lady in question loved it!

Delta 40: Another very astute observation! I am a dreamer ... a sentimental dreamer who has worn his heart on his sleeve most of his life. I have only lately begun to grow up and will post some of my later work to perhaps find out if I really have.

Capn' Silas: No I don't believe I have posted it here previously. Guess it doesn't say much for the piece you have confused it with either! I do appreciate your comment though and will work to improve.

cafolini: Thank you so much for reading and commenting and being so nice to me and "Angel Eyes!"

Delta40
05-29-2013, 05:27 PM
I love the idea that you have only lately begun to grow up Jett. A great theme for a poem...

Silas Thorne
05-29-2013, 08:49 PM
Oh, I must have confused it with the other work entitled Angel Eyes that you put on here recently, which contains some identical lines.

ThreeKlicksAway
05-29-2013, 08:58 PM
Well... not to go against the grain here, but I liked it a little. I mean, it is a rather sweet poem and while not perfect or to be next up on my memorization list, a sentimental dream. I particularly liked the rhymed words you used.

Sorry if I seem a bit un-picky about it all.

Jett Black
05-30-2013, 04:00 PM
Oh, I must have confused it with the other work entitled Angel Eyes that you put on here recently, which contains some identical lines.

No, you are quite correct Capn' ... I did post the same poem twice. I do apologise for being such a dumb dog!!

Jett Black
05-30-2013, 04:02 PM
Well... not to go against the grain here, but I liked it a little. I mean, it is a rather sweet poem and while not perfect or to be next up on my memorization list, a sentimental dream. I particularly liked the rhymed words you used.

Sorry if I seem a bit un-picky about it all.


Ah ThreeKlicks! Un-picky works for me ... thank you so much.