Shyness or social anxiety

[jajdude]

There must have been a thread on this before. I'm not into searching. This is probably not a good forum for the topic anyway. I know there are other ones out there. I used to look at some. I just had a frustrating experience, well a continuation of one really, today. I really need to find a job as I find myself broke back in my hometown. How I got to this point is another story. Problem is I find it really hard to try to talk to someone in a store or wherever else I might be able to find work. I haven't worked in my home country in a very long time, many years actually, since I have lived overseas most of that time. It's easy enough to find work abroad mainly from being an English speaker.

Anyway, I just freeze up when in the situation of needing to ask about any job available and it feels like such a dumb thing to fear. I know it's irrational and all that. I'm just looking for anything to do, even part-time at min. wage, want to make and save enough money to go back overseas really, as living here is a drag for me. I don't know what I'm so embarrassed about. Part of me fears as well the old charges on my criminal record may come back to haunt me. Nearly 20 years ago I was caught shoplifting. OK, twice. It was kind of harsh having that handed to me by the court clerk with a stern look on her face as if I did it yesterday. I never got that pardoned, hadn't even thought of it in years. A pardon apparently takes a long time. I don't know if an employer, especially in a store, will let that slide even after all the time that has passed. This adds a bit to my paranoia.

Well, this is long enough. I guess I've always been pretty timid anyway, have often been told I'm quiet. Sometimes it's a real problem for me though when I need to do things and have to fight the urge to avoid a social situation. I've put off important things before just to avoid the social part of it, and sometimes people like family members even wonder why you haven't done certain things you need to do.

[Darcy88]

If your anxiety is harming your ability to function then there are medications out there that can alleviate your symptoms. My social anxiety for the most part went away a few years ago, but I was put on a benzo for a short period and it really helped me out.

[Buh4Bee]

I agree with the above post. I have had a prescription for emergencies in the past. Just for situations, in which I knew I would be unable to cope, like a job interview. The anxiety can get so bad that you just can't control it and you end up sabotaging yourself. I took Lorazepam.

Many people would say there is nothing wrong with you and that you have a legitimate reason to feel anxiety. I like to think that there is a big world out there. There are many basic kinds of employment you can get without being in a store or working a cash register.

[loe]

When you aren't confident enough then try to fake it.

Before job interviews I started telling myself that it doesn't matter what happens, it's of no importance etc. (I developed a rather fatalistic view of the world). This attitude was some kind of relief for me so that I could start acting and putting on a show.
Of course, in the beginning a certain amount of self conquest ist necessary, but this becomes easier every time you try - it's just a matter of practise.

[Adolescent09]

You are clearly much older than me. 20 years ago I was a year old :P. I recently overcame my shyness and social anxiety when I came to terms with the notion that regardless of how popular, how attractive, or how enlightened you are, there will ALWAYS be more people who dislike you, than like you. The fight for social acceptance is no different than the fight for self-acceptance. Excuse my french (emphasis necessitates it), but the closer you are to not giving a **** what anyone thinks about you, the closer you will be to satisfaction. I have never had a real girlfriend, I have never had a real friend for that matter, and I rarely speak to my mother. Under these circumstances, I am far happier now than I ever was when I dated a girl who I thought would be my girlfriend, when I thought I had several friends, and when I communicated with my mother on a daily basis. I simply let go of the hindering urge to "fit in", a deceptive message that society, most academic institutions, and hollywood incessantly shoves down our throats. Of course, I only speak for myself.

[tonywalt]

You are clearly much older than me. 20 years ago I was a year old :P. I recently overcame my shyness and social anxiety when I came to terms with the notion that regardless of how popular, how attractive, or how enlightened you are, there will ALWAYS be more people who dislike you, than like you. The fight for social acceptance is no different than the fight for self-acceptance. Excuse my french (emphasis necessitates it), but the closer you are to not giving a **** what anyone thinks about you, the closer you will be to satisfaction. I have never had a real girlfriend, I have never had a real friend for that matter, and I rarely speak to my mother. Under these circumstances, I am far happier now than I ever was when I dated a girl who I thought would be my girlfriend, when I thought I had several friends, and when I communicated with my mother on a daily basis. I simply let go of the hindering urge to "fit in", a deceptive message that society, most academic institutions, and hollywood incessantly shoves down our throats. Of course, I only speak for myself.

It's true, chart your own course. There's a certain sadness in watching people signicantly conform to societal pressures and worse when the parrot it back as if that is what they really want to do.

[Jett Black]

You are clearly suffering from a lack of confidence jajdude. Perhaps during your childhood or even in later life you have been told that you are no good or useless or that you are stupid ... stuff like that.

You are not alone. Many, many people suffer from an inferiority complex.

Stay away from people who continually put you down.
Avoid negative people.
Look at yourself in the mirror and say: "I have a right to be here and I CAN contribute. I can do it."
Many people get their rocks off by belittling others.
Tell these haters that you are a beautiful person with a beautiful soul.

All the best,

[cacian]

this thread title reminds of The Smiths song ''Ask''
here is the lyrics:

''Shyness is nice, and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to

Shyness is nice, and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to

So, if there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try
ASK ME - I WON'T SAY "NO" - HOW COULD I?

Coyness is nice, and
Coyness can stop you
From saying all the things in
Life you'd like to

So, if there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try
ASK ME - I WON'T SAY "NO" - HOW COULD I?

Spending warm Summer days indoors
Writing frightening verse
To a buck-toothed girl in Luxembourg

ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME

Because if it's not Love
Then it's the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb
That will bring us together

Nature is a language - can't you read?
Nature is a language - can't you read?

SO... ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME

Because if it's not Love
Then it's the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb
That will bring us together

If it's not Love
Then it's the Bomb
Then it's the Bomb
That will bring us together

SO... ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
Oh, la...''
grea song and great music too I most recommend it :)

[cacian]

double post please delete it.

[Melanie]

...I just freeze up when in the situation of needing to ask about any job...Part of me fears as well the old charges on my criminal record may come back to haunt me. Nearly 20 years ago I was caught shoplifting....I never got that pardoned...This adds a bit to my paranoia.
I admire you for being so courageous to face this and to share it. Regarding the old conviction that hangs over your head...if you can slay this dragon then you will feel an amazing burden lifted and a boost in confidence. You'll feel FREE. I don't know for sure but getting your record expunged might be as easy as going to the courthouse, asking for a court appointed lawyer (which you would probably qualify for), and handing them documentation that proves your accomplishments, productiveness, and clean record for the past 20 yrs. (college, jobs, no convictions which the courts have a record of, volunteerism, etc). Do it now while you're still in the country where you were convicted because you will have to show up for court...perhaps a couple of times...until it's done....."done", that sounds good doesn't it. Go for it with everything you've got...I'll be cheering you on!

[astrum]

Adolescent09,

Your post was very well-put. You took the words out of my mouth.

[Delta40]

Anxiety can be paralysing and you should get it checked out if it disrupts your everyday life. Self-talk often isn't enough to alleviate it but it isn't a bad idea to look at shifts in your mindset by adopting healthy practices in conjunction with medication. We're all subject to distorted thinking in shape or another.

[Phocion]

Just be careful with benzo's if you use them. They can be really nasty, and if you ever want to get off them the withdrawl is horrific.

[Lykren]

I am very shy. In fact, I am overwhelmingly shy and anxious around people, but at the same time I cling to the few people I can talk to comfortably. My high expectations for the friendship usually cause me to give up on it after a while, though.

I am also terrified of working because it would mean I would have to be in a new environment, learn new skills, and meet new people. Awful. I once said out loud in an English class I'd like to spend my entire life sleeping and everyone looked at me strange and that's when I realized not everyone felt that way.

[Helga]

I have social anxieties too (like many who have posted before me), my brother went to a hypnotherapist to help him and he has an easier time now, even performed solo his own material at a concert. I have used medication for my anxiety and depression and I can't say it helped that much. I still have my problems but I take it one day at a time and having something like a stress ball in my pocket helps me out.

My teacher once recommended having a pebble in your shoe cause then your so preoccupied with it that it takes some of the anxiety away.

[tonywalt]

I have social anxieties too (like many who have posted before me), my brother went to a hypnotherapist to help him and he has an easier time now, even performed solo his own material at a concert. I have used medication for my anxiety and depression and I can't say it helped that much. I still have my problems but I take it one day at a time and having something like a stress ball in my pocket helps me out.

My teacher once recommended having a pebble in your shoe cause then your so preoccupied with it that it takes some of the anxiety away.

What size pebble?

[Darcy88]

I'd rather endure medieval forms of torture than put up with pebbles in my shoe. I remember a few years ago I was to poor to buy new shoes and the pair I had to wear had a large hole through which pebbles would always enter. Drove me bonkers. Especially when you get a jagged one. Never again.

Focus on your hara and anxiety will be a non-issue.

http://reikihelp.com/blog/2010/06/hara/