Our Echo / Kill Everybody

[Grit]

Our Echo

What can I do, my love,
I’ve hid away the guilt,
I know it’s not my fault.
Yeah, you are a big girl,
I don’t dare say a word.
Our web is of silence,
ever tenuous hold,
a heart without a beat,
oh, how it used to glow,
a candle in the swamp,
our only way back home.
My mind won’t let you go,
no matter how you scratch.
We are forever real,
despite a lost focus,
and no matter the change
of soul, body and mind,
keep on familiar lips,
those kisses that defied,
time and reason mighty.
If you must forget me,
promise infinity;
don’t ever settle low
angels wings fly from mud
and perch in heaven true
You’ll always have my thoughts,
as will I.

Kill Everybody

Aloof, you stand on our chests,
nose perching on god’s anus.
I hope that smell helps explain
your aggro condescension,
as you mock us mercilessly,
know, expecting our heads to bow.

Our wage may be minimum,
it’s not enough to take it.
You may think yourself the king
of your own $hitty kingdom
but regicide is coming;
know time holds the sharpest knife.

The people aren’t your playthings
to be teased and taunted dogs
No matter our actions you
will expect our stupidity.
Our hearts can ache, just like yours
Treat us like the sons we are.

[Jack of Hearts]

Eh, this could be a taste thing, but this reader isn't buying it, Grit. These preachy poems aren't hitting any emotional resonance here. The scorn and the heartache, well... it reads disingenuously. Like a prepared, scripted piece. Reality, in this reader's experience, has very little patience for scripts. You've got some pull in the ability to present images but they don't seem deep, cohesive or sometimes even related.

That's not a very nice response to get, so just take it as one person's opinion. This reader also kinda gave up on poetry himself, having concluded that he had no talent for it, so admittedly Jack of Hearts has no qualification to steer your endeavor one way or the other.






J

[Buh4Bee]

Ha! Is the first one a poem to a fatty?

What can I do, my love,
I’ve hid away the guilt,
I know it’s not my fault.
Yeah, you are a big girl,
I don’t dare say a word.

Not sure, but if so, poor thing!

[Grit]

Eh, this could be a taste thing, but this reader isn't buying it, Grit. These preachy poems aren't hitting any emotional resonance here. The scorn and the heartache, well... it reads disingenuously. Like a prepared, scripted piece. Reality, in this reader's experience, has very little patience for scripts. You've got some pull in the ability to present images but they don't seem deep, cohesive or sometimes even related.

That's not a very nice response to get, so just take it as one person's opinion. This reader also kinda gave up on poetry himself, having concluded that he had no talent for it, so admittedly Jack of Hearts has no qualification to steer your endeavor one way or the other.



Jack it's not a bad response for me. I'm a story teller not a poet.

It probably doesn't hurt because wote it for myself to express abstract emotions. Expressing them makes them less heavy to carry. So, they've served their purpose for me and don't feel like a waste.

I simply posted them on here to see what other people thought. I've got one man's answer at least so thank you Jack.

[Grit]

Hahahahha Bee that's hilarious, it totally seems like it but no it's not to a fatty.

[AuntShecky]

The first one resembles prose more than poetry. Whatever it is, the punctuation and capitalization are inconsistent. Commas, for instance, separate--hence, drop the commas after "lips," and "deified." Put a period after "low." "Heaven true" is a hyperaton (inverted "Yoda" speech, not natural English-- or American-- at all.) If there is a unifying metaphor or image in this one, I can't find it.

The second one is merely a rant that explodes like a Mento inside a soda bottle. Again there is no unifying image; nor is it clear exactly to "whom" it is addressed, merely a floating "you." Some parts make no sense (at least to clueless yours fooly.) What is "aggro condescention"?Something to do with hydro farming?

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are capable of producing work that is much better than this.

[Delta40]

They didn't seem to penetrate in the way I would want them to. You've got good vocab skills Grit. The second one seems to be way over the top. God's anus? really? lol I've never thought about his *** before but I've got to give you points for sheer imagination!