Cheating Death

[ghiggins]

Cheating Death

They say death is inevitable no matter how you look at it you are going to die. Yes some may be able to cheat death, but they always die in the end… This story however is about a boy that cheats death but for a cost that makes him become death himself.
“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
― Mark Twain

Chapter 1 Meeting the Beauty of Fate
The sun was dreary and there was a smell of death in the air. Gage was cold, as he walked to school and zipped up his jacket. He thought to himself ‘I have half the mind to just ditch today.’ He took his blue threaded backpack off his back to get into it. He thought about how well things had just started to get for him but then he had to move because of what happened. Then he pulled out the pipe he had in his back pack. He had just recently started smoking It helped him forget about what happened, and ease the pain. As he started to light the pipe he saw something from the peripherals of his eyes. It seemed to be a long dark figure.
He muttered under his breath “could that be the same thing I saw before?” It couldn’t be. So he shrugged his shoulders and began to take a hit of his pipe when soddenly, he fell quickly with a sharp pain to his leg as Something fast and small ran into him, as his pipe slipped and broke. “The **** was that?” he said furiously then he realized it was a small girl with dark brown hair and humongous eyes that had been riding her longboard and not been paying attention. She quickly got up and ran over to Gage almost falling over again she was extremely clumsy it seemed. “Are you all right?” Hello? Gage couldn’t come to say anything he was just utterly stunned not by just the hit of the bike, but how beautiful he thought this girl looked. She had nice curves on her; he quickly pulled himself away from those thoughts. “Hey dummy are you deaf? I said are you okay? I’m so sorry I didn’t see you walking there.”

He finally came up with what to say as quickly as possible so he wouldn’t look stupid. “Oh! Hi I’m Gage. Who are you?” As he said with a quirky grin totally forgetting about almost getting knocked out by this stunning girl he just met. She looked at him almost confused. “Are you freaking crazy!?” “Who in the hell says hi after almost getting killed by a bike?” Finally he came to and realized that he did just get hit by a bike, and felt a pain in his ankle as he grabbed it. The girl went to touch his leg, and he quickly grabbed her arm. Whoa dude I’m just trying to help you. “Look you’re bleeding”, as dark blood ran down his leg. The blood didn’t faze him because he was all too familiar with it.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxx
[FlashBack]
Gage’s mom quickly jumped in front of him, when suddenly a loud sharp bam that could be heard from miles away stung through the ears of Gage. Still stunned he got up and turned around to see his mom lying in a pool of blood on the ground. ‘Please, please, don’t let it be so.’ He couldn’t think his brain was dead and the next thought that came to his mind was revenge but before he could even turn to chase after the shooter he was already gone. He sat there for a few hours just crying over his mother’s death. “At what cost was my mother’s death for money? Why did it have to be her why not me?” He yelled as loud as he could into the sky. It began to rain when he heard a voice. “Be happy you cheated death once, for it will be the last.” He quickly thought nothing of it because the death of his mother was racing threw his mind.

“Hey man I really think you should get that looked at… Gage?” “Huh?” Oh yea.” He tried to get up but felt a sharp stinging pain in his ankle again. “Hey not so fast let me help you.” The girl grabbed him by his arm and put it around her neck. “You are new around here are you going to be going to Valley End High School? Because I really think we should get you to the nurse” “Yea I am going there. So much for ditching today and getting high,” as he quickly stopped himself not realizing how the girl would react to what he said. “Oh, yea man I was just thinking about going to ditch.” She then reached into her pocket and gave her a small pipe with a skull on it. “I saw that you broke yours when you fell.” Gage looked at her and smiled. “You don’t have to do that that is yours I’ll be okay.” He couldn’t help to think that this girl was just really amazing and how much they seemed to have in common already. The girl shoved the pipe in his pocket. “How about this I’ll take you to get all fixed up and you can hang out with me after school and we can smoke one.” Gage couldn’t help but to just smile at her. “I guess I have no choice but to say yes to you.” They both began to walk to school. “I’m Nicole by the way, also hi and nice to meet you.” She smiled at Gage. “Maybe this place won’t be as bad as I thought.”

[Steven Hunley]

This is a very young person's story. I recognize the type, because I'm an oldster. The themes, the love theme mixed with the horror story with philosophical overtones. With that the mistakes in punctuation and oh my goodness what a confusing mess the paragraphs are! The flash back and mysterious row of X's. The pipe the smoke and oh yes, the inevitable skull. The blood he was all too familiar with.

The vocabulary needs work. Try a thesaurus. Each line of dialogue should have its own paragraph. Get rid the xxxxxxxxxxxxx's not needed. I see what you're trying to do here, as a story idea not bad, maybe hackneyed but not bad. Try more sentence variation, make some shorter some longer. It's not expected you get everything right in a first draft, revisions are part of the process of writing. One thing I guarantee you. If you keep at it you'll only get better with time. Revise and post it again after a few more replies.

[ghiggins]

Thank you I'm really new to this and that's why I posted it for help I agree it needs work and I greatly appreciate your input.

[hillwalker]

This does need some work. Not only the typos ('soddenly'?) and the lack of punctuation that makes it almost impossible to work out who's speaking.

The prologue does you no favours. If we already know the outcome of the story why would we bother reading any further? Prologues, even one as brief as this, are unnecessary.
Also the Mark Twain quote is a little self-indulgent - if there is nothing to fear from death there's no conflict in your story, is there?

Now to the story itself. It opens with someone walking to school (we need a name so we can engage with him). But then it rapidly wanders off somewhere else. You need to tighten the prose and stay focussed on the scene. There's also a series of sentences that begin 'He did this... or He did that...'. As Stephen says - try to vary the way you express yourself.

He thought to himself ‘I have half the mind to just ditch today.’
Who else would he think to? You need to find a better way to show how he's looking to ditch school without telling us his thoughts this way. Why does he want to ditch school? Isn't that worth exploring?

He took his blue threaded backpack off his back to get into it.
'. . . off his back'? Where else would a backpack be? And he wanted to 'get into' his backpack? I'm picturing him struggling to fit inside it. Do we need all this faffing about?

And why do you then suddenly take us out of the story and write about why he had to move? It doesn't make sense.

Then he pulled out the pipe he had in his back pack.
Again, if you tighten this up there's no need to mention the back pack (or 'backpack'?) twice - or even once. I can't see why it matters whether his pipe is in his backpack or his pocket. You're burying the plot under tediously irrelevant detail.

Then you step outside the story again to tell us why he started smoking. Every time you do this you give us an excuse to stop reading.

As he started to light the pipe he saw something from the peripherals of his eyes. It seemed to be a long dark figure.
No. This sounds off. Regardless of the 'peripherals of his eyes' that is a nonsensical phrase, you're expecting us to believe that's what happened because it's what your plot requires. But if he's lighting a pipe presumably his gaze is fixed on the match or lighter. His peripheral vision wouldn't take in any more than a shadow falling at his feet perhaps. And how can something 'seem to be a long dark figure'? It either looks long and dark or it doesn't. The only thing your readers have to go on is what you tell them. If your writing is muddled then the image in their heads will also be muddled. Not good.

I'm also very suspicious of characters who keep talking to themselves. It doesn't happen outside Hollywood. And revealing to the reader that 'he' keeps seeing visions in such a cack-handed way. . . honestly. You have to be a lot more subtle than this if you expect the reader to take your story seriously.

soddenly, he fell quickly with a sharp pain to his leg as Something fast and small ran into him, as his pipe slipped and broke.
is an absolute mess. The word 'suddenly' is such a long long word that it doesn't work if you're trying to express speed. You also have 'suddenly' followed by 'fell quickly'. Have you ever tried falling slowly? You're just littering your sentences with pointless adverbs. We also have 'something fast and small' - I'm picturing a tiny rodent possibly? And to add to the confusion you tell us his pipe slipped (how?) and broke. All you needed to do here was tell us he felt a sharp pain in his leg before falling to the ground. Writing coherently is that simple.

Then we have his line of dialogue - cursing - and you tell us he said it 'furiously'. Can't you see how pointless the adverb is here? Do people curse calmly?
And after being knocked to the ground he's alert enough to give an accurate description of the young girl who knocked him down - hair colour, eyes, etc. It's just too silly. Then we have some weird scene where she gets up (why 'quickly' again?) and almost falls over, etc. etc. It's a bit feeble to say the least. And who's Gage?
If he's the main character you should have introduced him by name a long time before now.
I admit I didn't really want to continue reading beyond this point because it's obvious what's going to happen next. Some crummy, slushy dialogue - and a new kid on the block overwhelmed by this girl's beauty. The story seems to have crashed to the ground at the same time as your characters and has no hope of recovery.

If you're expecting readers to get hooked by this opening scene then you're deluding yourself. Boy meets girl. . . and that's it?

My advice - get rid of all these freaking adverbs ('quickly' - 'suddenly'). Don't allow your characters to talk to themselves. And start the story somewhere interesting - perhaps when Gage finds his mother shot dead. But flesh it out for goodness sake. Show us some real emotion. You need to make better use of the dramatic conflict it might create. The way you handle the scene is so dismissive - as if he's just discovered they have no milk in the fridge.

He couldn’t think his brain was dead and the next thought that came to his mind was revenge but before he could even turn to chase after the shooter he was already gone.
If he couldn't think then he wouldn't be having a 'next thought'.
He sat there for a few hours just crying over his mother’s death.
Unbelievable.

You obviously have a plot in mind but on the basis of this piece you don't read a great deal. And you seem to be making things up as you go along.
I suggest you read as much as possible before even attempting to write a story of this length - unless you're doing it purely to entertain yourself.

H

[Grit]

iThe word 'suddenly' is such a long long word that it doesn't work if you're trying to express speed.


Haha this is too true. Something I noticed myself. Funny that 'suddenly' isn't very sudden when it's on the page. Too slow for scenes that a writer would want to be fast paced.

Ghiggins, keep in mind that aesthetics' are unfortunately pretty important if we want our writing read. The xxx's are unneeded, as Steven pointed out. If you're going to use a flashback, you'll have to find a smoother way than [FLASHBACK].

Remember show, don't tell. Focus on how your story reads, word by word. Keep reading and writing!

[ghiggins]

I thank you all I know is not that good I'm new really new my first story actually I love all the suggestions and will take more time on making this better thank you.

[Steven Hunley]

Suddenly the gun went off.

BAM! The gun went off.

or,

BAM!

The gun went off.

Suddenly is a three syllable word. No wonder it's not sudden enough. It takes too long to read the sucker!

[Raph Luo]

Way too funny!