Theodore.K
05-05-2013, 12:27 PM
As I sit here barefoot in my study with the window open, I am chilled with the cool breeze of the gray morning. Punching the keys of my type writer with the tips of my fingers, I’m haunted by my past. Alone, I reminisce about the year I died.
When I was younger, I was a vandal. I broke into a lot of houses, but oddly, I took nothing. I guess I just wanted to see what would happen when anarchy was reached. It really came down to my personal curiosity. Fear struck me, believe me, it did, right in the face. There was a sort of eeriness in the air each evening. It was as if the Moon knew what I was doing, what I was about to do, and what I’ve done. It hung there brilliantly in space, eternally disapproving. Not accepting me into the world it was so nobly protecting, as if it were its child. By the grace of the Moon, I was once again pushed away. I was the sole misfit of our school, and as it turns out, I was a misfit within our so-called “society” that accepted everyone. I was neglected, ignored, uninvited.
Since I’m writing at this current moment in perpetual time, you can probably gather that I’m not actually deceased. I’m here in body, but not in soul. Seven years ago, I was alone, hopeless, and ultimately distressed. To be seventeen and fighting addiction is, well, it’s difficult. I was drinking heavily during most of my spare time. I was a prisoner of depression and needed to escape. The only way to do that was to allow the alcohol trickle down my throat. To let my mind slip into relieving bliss. I lost interest in school, and my parents lost their interest in me. I was much happier when I was drunk; school had gotten in the way of my drinking time, so I eventually dropped out. That was when I hit rock bottom. The darkness and cruelty of reality hit me. Optimism was lost, and so was my faith in humanity, especially myself. I had prayed for help, God knows I prayed. And in hope of finding a new life, I finally escaped. I was searching for something. I didn’t know what it looked, smelt, sounded, tasted, or felt like. I was just searching for an unknown. So I left, I ran away, leaving everything behind me. Suddenly, I was hitching - trying to hitch on some desert road. I walked, and walked, and walked. My black chinos clung to my sweaty legs and my shirt to my back. I had no company, my only friends were the non-respondent cacti in the field. My feet pounded the hot pavement beneath me with each step. Cars approached and passed, but none stopped for me, the lone person with his arm extended and thumb erect in the heat. The sun beat heavily on my back like a burden. There was an isolated joshua tree in the distance. Naturally, I walked to it. It provided enough shade from the harshness of the intolerable, fiery ball in the sky. I sat in the shadow that was provided by the tree. It’s just you and me, I thought to the joshua. I took a mouthful of the water I brought with me. And I just sat there, thinking. My mind swam in the depths of confusion. I looked up at the sky, and immediately shifted my eyes to the mountains far in the distance. They darkened as a clan of newly formed clouds slowly marched over them. They concealed the sunlight that formerly intensified the genuine beauty of the mountains. With the purpose of resting, I shut my eyes, and looked upon the vast blackness of unconsciousness.
I opened my eyes, and it was raining. The joshua tree shaded me from the heat, but it failed to provide shelter from the storm. I rose, and continued to walk, looking over my shoulder at the joshua with melancholy. But I walked on. I stuck my thumb out to each car that sped by, their wipers worked frantically. I was drenched, and very cold. I looked up into the sky, and saw the clouds grow darker than I have ever seen before. Every few minutes, I kept looking up. I don’t know why, maybe hoping to see the great Man in the sky, reassuring me that everything would be okay. He never came though. Not ever. All my life, I was taught that this man would protect me from anything on earth. Another lie.
I walked all day, and into the night. I grew tired, and desperate. But on and on I walked. Through the night and into the new dawn, my eyes scanning my surroundings. A car approached, and its high beams blinded me for a moment. When the vehicle and my sightlessness passed, I saw a forest in the skyline. Like the joshua tree, I instinctively walked to it. It took me a few hours to reach it, but I finally did. I wasn’t sure if I was hallucinating, but there was a man at the entrance. Maybe another traveller, I thought. I saw his arm raise and he waved me over. Desperately, I ran to him.
“What’s your name?” He asked.
“Michael.”
“What a coincidence, I have a very close friend whose name was Michael.” This man wore a long black jacket, sort of like a cloak. The hood was pulled over his long black hair, and stopped before his dark brows. His eyes appeared to be kind, never leaving mine when he spoke and even when he didn’t. “Do you need help?” He asked me.
“Not really, I’ve been doing fine on my own.” That was a lie, I needed company to keep me sane.
“Have you now?” He skeptically replied. “Come with me.”
“Where?”
“Just come. I know what you want, and I know what you need.” So I followed this dark figure into the forest.
“Do you have a cabin in here or something?”
“No.” He was short with his answers. Although fear ran through my body, for once in my life I felt reassured. We stopped at a slight opening in the sea of trees. The rain had come down harder than ever. It was so dark, I could only see his pale face, and nothing else. He extended his hand to me. It was as white as his face. I became very cold, I thought I’d freeze. The rained poured down my face, disguising my tears. I felt like I was drowning in madness. I was tired of the life I was living, it was time for a change. I was full of anguish and needed tranquility. I looked into his eyes, and he nodded. His hand still extended to me. I grabbed Death’s hand, and he led to the peace I so very much longed for.
I was a blind man, navigating my way along the River Styx seeking the land of promise. A Utopia. But by the knowledge of the Greeks, my own ethnic kin, I know that such a place is unattainable. The place that cannot be - it’s a myth, a lie, a dream. Yet, I don’t know why I kept looking. I don’t know what it was that drove me to chase this impossible idea that is implanted in the minds of all humanity. As I sit here, punching the keys, tattooing these words to this paper, something touches my shoulder. I turn my head to the left, looking down to my shoulder, and the white hand pressed upon it.
When I was younger, I was a vandal. I broke into a lot of houses, but oddly, I took nothing. I guess I just wanted to see what would happen when anarchy was reached. It really came down to my personal curiosity. Fear struck me, believe me, it did, right in the face. There was a sort of eeriness in the air each evening. It was as if the Moon knew what I was doing, what I was about to do, and what I’ve done. It hung there brilliantly in space, eternally disapproving. Not accepting me into the world it was so nobly protecting, as if it were its child. By the grace of the Moon, I was once again pushed away. I was the sole misfit of our school, and as it turns out, I was a misfit within our so-called “society” that accepted everyone. I was neglected, ignored, uninvited.
Since I’m writing at this current moment in perpetual time, you can probably gather that I’m not actually deceased. I’m here in body, but not in soul. Seven years ago, I was alone, hopeless, and ultimately distressed. To be seventeen and fighting addiction is, well, it’s difficult. I was drinking heavily during most of my spare time. I was a prisoner of depression and needed to escape. The only way to do that was to allow the alcohol trickle down my throat. To let my mind slip into relieving bliss. I lost interest in school, and my parents lost their interest in me. I was much happier when I was drunk; school had gotten in the way of my drinking time, so I eventually dropped out. That was when I hit rock bottom. The darkness and cruelty of reality hit me. Optimism was lost, and so was my faith in humanity, especially myself. I had prayed for help, God knows I prayed. And in hope of finding a new life, I finally escaped. I was searching for something. I didn’t know what it looked, smelt, sounded, tasted, or felt like. I was just searching for an unknown. So I left, I ran away, leaving everything behind me. Suddenly, I was hitching - trying to hitch on some desert road. I walked, and walked, and walked. My black chinos clung to my sweaty legs and my shirt to my back. I had no company, my only friends were the non-respondent cacti in the field. My feet pounded the hot pavement beneath me with each step. Cars approached and passed, but none stopped for me, the lone person with his arm extended and thumb erect in the heat. The sun beat heavily on my back like a burden. There was an isolated joshua tree in the distance. Naturally, I walked to it. It provided enough shade from the harshness of the intolerable, fiery ball in the sky. I sat in the shadow that was provided by the tree. It’s just you and me, I thought to the joshua. I took a mouthful of the water I brought with me. And I just sat there, thinking. My mind swam in the depths of confusion. I looked up at the sky, and immediately shifted my eyes to the mountains far in the distance. They darkened as a clan of newly formed clouds slowly marched over them. They concealed the sunlight that formerly intensified the genuine beauty of the mountains. With the purpose of resting, I shut my eyes, and looked upon the vast blackness of unconsciousness.
I opened my eyes, and it was raining. The joshua tree shaded me from the heat, but it failed to provide shelter from the storm. I rose, and continued to walk, looking over my shoulder at the joshua with melancholy. But I walked on. I stuck my thumb out to each car that sped by, their wipers worked frantically. I was drenched, and very cold. I looked up into the sky, and saw the clouds grow darker than I have ever seen before. Every few minutes, I kept looking up. I don’t know why, maybe hoping to see the great Man in the sky, reassuring me that everything would be okay. He never came though. Not ever. All my life, I was taught that this man would protect me from anything on earth. Another lie.
I walked all day, and into the night. I grew tired, and desperate. But on and on I walked. Through the night and into the new dawn, my eyes scanning my surroundings. A car approached, and its high beams blinded me for a moment. When the vehicle and my sightlessness passed, I saw a forest in the skyline. Like the joshua tree, I instinctively walked to it. It took me a few hours to reach it, but I finally did. I wasn’t sure if I was hallucinating, but there was a man at the entrance. Maybe another traveller, I thought. I saw his arm raise and he waved me over. Desperately, I ran to him.
“What’s your name?” He asked.
“Michael.”
“What a coincidence, I have a very close friend whose name was Michael.” This man wore a long black jacket, sort of like a cloak. The hood was pulled over his long black hair, and stopped before his dark brows. His eyes appeared to be kind, never leaving mine when he spoke and even when he didn’t. “Do you need help?” He asked me.
“Not really, I’ve been doing fine on my own.” That was a lie, I needed company to keep me sane.
“Have you now?” He skeptically replied. “Come with me.”
“Where?”
“Just come. I know what you want, and I know what you need.” So I followed this dark figure into the forest.
“Do you have a cabin in here or something?”
“No.” He was short with his answers. Although fear ran through my body, for once in my life I felt reassured. We stopped at a slight opening in the sea of trees. The rain had come down harder than ever. It was so dark, I could only see his pale face, and nothing else. He extended his hand to me. It was as white as his face. I became very cold, I thought I’d freeze. The rained poured down my face, disguising my tears. I felt like I was drowning in madness. I was tired of the life I was living, it was time for a change. I was full of anguish and needed tranquility. I looked into his eyes, and he nodded. His hand still extended to me. I grabbed Death’s hand, and he led to the peace I so very much longed for.
I was a blind man, navigating my way along the River Styx seeking the land of promise. A Utopia. But by the knowledge of the Greeks, my own ethnic kin, I know that such a place is unattainable. The place that cannot be - it’s a myth, a lie, a dream. Yet, I don’t know why I kept looking. I don’t know what it was that drove me to chase this impossible idea that is implanted in the minds of all humanity. As I sit here, punching the keys, tattooing these words to this paper, something touches my shoulder. I turn my head to the left, looking down to my shoulder, and the white hand pressed upon it.