First ever attempt at fiction writing. Seeking opinions.

[rockbottom]

Have been thinking about starting to write fiction for a long time, but could never really come up with any ideas I fell in love with.

So, recently, I decided that I'd just start writing and see what happens. Which is what I've done below. I didn't even know what I was writing when I started it, and just made things up as I went. I'm more interested in what people think of my potential to write well, and my style etc.

Any thoughts on what I've written would be good.

Would also like to hear from anyone who believes they have some good idea inspiring tips.





Kobe stood in the harsh rain-forest terrain, eyes peeled for any sign of danger. Despite the fact that his suit kept his body at a perfect temperature, he felt cold and uncomfortable. That was the nature of the bitter, unwelcoming environment he found himself in. He was a lone warrior – a sole intruder on an alien planet.

In his large metal hands he grasped his Marine rifle, which was locked, loaded and ready to take the life of the creature he pursued. It was a powerful weapon. A weapon which he trusted more than most humans. A weapon which had never failed him, and had saved his life on more occasions than he cared to count.

He recalled the details of his mission briefing. His target was classed as being a level 5 hazard species – meaning extremely aggressive and dangerous. Native only to this planet, it thrived in the damp conditions and was capable of burrowing meters under the dirt with impressive speed. It was similar in appearance to the centipede insect found on Earth – only it usually grew to roughly three meters in length.

It wasn’t the size of the creature that worried him, nor its proficiency in the forest. He had fought and killed countless enemies many times his size – and the fights were not generally in an environment of his choosing. What worried him about this particular target was its ability to spray a cyanide-like substance at its victims.

Death was not something that he found particular terrifying. Death came with the territory in his line of work - he knew this better than most. He just preferred that his death didn’t involve his body melting in acid on a nasty, foreign planet.

The heavy metal boots of his suit made loud, squelching footsteps on the surface of the forest as he progressed. It was raining lightly, though the evaporative system installed on his visor prevented the drops from obscuring his vision for more than half a second.

He noticed a cave opening to his right, through a dense collection of gnarly, winding trees. He didn’t think he would find his target within, but he knew that his employer would want him to scan the inside of the structure and report his findings.

With his rifle raised and ready, Kobe crept tentatively into the cave’s opening. What he saw took him completely by surprise. The cave’s interior was man-made, and well lit. It had yellow stone walls, and a tiled floor that was cracked and uneven, protruding at varying lengths and angles. Covering the stone walls was a series of intricate alien designs that looked as though they were painted centuries ago. The roots of old, withering brown trees burst through the floor, leaving chunks of stone and rubble scattered around the room. Dry leaves blew gently along the floor, and patches of grass and weeds appeared wherever there were gaps in the stone. Everything in the room was comprised of materials that can be found on Earth, yet they came together to form an environment that looked inherently alien.

Kobe removed a small gadget from a compartment on the side of his suit, which immediately began scanning the area around him for any signs of life. He let out a groan of frustration as the GPS once again failed to locate anything with a pulse.

[Shaman_Raman]

Well I thank you for spacing out the paragraphs. Honestly, the first part bored me a bit. You were doing a lot of telling about the characters background, over showing action. I think you should restart from paragraph 8 and make a story following there.

Remember, a short story should still have the elements of any story:a plot, conflict, climax, and resolution/ conclusion. This doesn't really leave the reader with anything, as of now.

I think your number one problem is what you mentioned at the top. You should not be more interested in our thoughts and opinions, over your own on any piece. You should keep practicing, and trying to find ideas that you CAN fall in love with, so you'll write with more passion and desire. Granted, making a story readable and cohesive is one thing, (which considering some of the work on here, congrats for that) but ultimately you write because you want to write, not to measure your skill at it.

[Charles Darnay]

Granted this is just a rough off-the-top-of-your-head story, so I won't tear apart the content too much. However, what I will say, in case you are thinking of continuing along these lines, is that you are walking the dangerous line of cliché that many beginning sci-fi/fantasy writers do. Pretty much every line or action seems to be taken from a book/movie/video game - there is nothing new here.

As for your writing style:

I agree with the above - most of it was boring. You are very concerned with setting up the character that you ignore the story. There is nothing here that can make us care about Kobe as a person and thus nothing to keep us reading.

Your writing isn't bad: what you are trying to say comes across clearly. I would encourage you to first vary your sentence structure a bit to make the flow more interesting. More importantly, really get inside the action. You write this from a very far removed point of view - even more than the adage of "show don't tell" you "tell" as if you were casually trying to summarize a series of events rather than create an intriguing story.

Keep at it. I know what it is like to struggle to find an idea that you really care about. Keep your eyes and ears open to what is happening in the world, and in your world. Everyone around you is a story and you just have to be open to it.

Good luck.

[hillwalker]

I suggest you read that opening paragraph again. What does the reader really need to know? What will keep them reading?

First of all get rid of the adjectives. They're weighing the piece down.

Secondly, stick with your main character rather than his clothing.

Kobe hunted alone on an alien planet.

That's the plot in a nut-shell.

Unfortunately the rest of this reads like something you might find printed on the box of a shoot-em-up X-box game.

My advice, read as many novels as you can (sci-fi if that's what you enjoy best) before attempting to write a story in the same genre. That way you'll discover how it should be done.
There's nothing remotely original in what we have here - and your writing is very clunky and ultimately boring to read.

H