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afea
04-23-2013, 12:07 AM
There was 2 friends called Ahmet and Nihat.They were studying in the same school. Ahmet lived in the capital and he was well situated. Nihat was coming from a different state for school and he was going to school under difficult conditions. Ahmet was so upset about Nihat’s situation and was looking for a way to help. He told Nihat to come and live with them, and Nihat accepted it. Ahmet helped Nihat with everything like clothing and shelter. They both had a great life together and their friendship grew. One day, Ahmet was looking outside from the window Suddenly, he saw the girl that he liked and was planning to date but Nihat was following her.
Nihat came home and told ahmet that he liked the girl so much and asked him if he could help with telling her. Ahmet couldn’t tell him that he also liked that girl because he didn’t wanted him to be upset. He helped Nihat. After a long time school ended. After a while Nihat became the governor of the state. He had car, house and a lot of money. He also married that girl. Oppositely, Ahmet lost everything. His house ,car and money. He had no shelter and food. His neighbors said “you had a friend who is now the governor of state. Ask him for help maybe he can employ you”. Ahmet rejected it at first but he was really having a bad time. Finally he decided to go and he went. He came to the office of governor and he told one of the officers that he needs to see Mr. Nihat. The officer went inside Mr. Nihat’s room. He came out and said “he doesn’t wants to see you. Ahmet was shocked. “How come we were best friends”. Can you please tell him that it’s ahmet? The officer said okay and he went in again. When he came back he told Ahmet that Mr. Nihat doesn’t knows him and if you keep on insisting I will have to kick you out.
Ahmet couldn’t believe what he heard. How was this possible? After all he has done. He gave him food, shelter and even helped him with the girl he loved. How could Nihat not know him after all he has done for him? He went out and was trying to calm down himself. An man came beside him and asked what was wrong. Ahmet explained everything and the man said “you look like a honest guy and I liked you. I have I shop down the street. If you want you can come and help me out. you will have salary and I will give you shelter as well. Ahmet accepted it and started working with the man.
After a while Ahmet started making friends.There was an old man who came to the shop everyday and bought goods. They became friends with ahmet and one day the old man told ahmet that he has to go somewhere and left him a box. He said that “I will be back in 3 months. If I don’t come by then, open the box and everything in there us yours. Months passed by but the old man never came. After 6 months, Ahmet decided to open the box. There was diamond, gold ,Jewelry and a lot of money in the box. Ahmet was so surprised. He didn’t know what to do. He went to his boss and told him everything. His boss suggested him to open a shop and earn his money. He opened a shop and he made a lot of money. He got back everything he lost even more. He became very rich. A women with her daughter entered the shop one day . Ahmet liked the girl and they started dating. In a short while they became engaged. They decided to marry. When they were preparing the invitation cards, the girl said “we should invite the governor too” but Ahmet didn’t accepted at first but when the girl insisted so much he accepted. So, an invitation was sent to the governor too.
After a while, The day of wedding came. Ahmet was wondering if Nihat would come. He saw Nihat with his wife coming in. Nihat came in and had a seat. Ahmet couldn’t stand it anymore and he took the microphone and went to the stage. He started talking. Long time ago, your governor Nihat was my friend. We went to the same school. His financial situation wasn’t good so I helped him out with everything as much as I could. I became the reason for him getting married with the girl I love. I lost everything I had shortly. I was in a very bad situation that I went to ask him for help but he rejected me, said that he doesn’t knows me and kicked me out. He knew that it was me but he didn’t even wanted to see me. Therefore, I met an old man who employed me and the old man left me a treasure that brought me where I am today. I met my fiancée and I am getting married with her right now. He left to the microphone on Nihat’s table and said “if there is anything wrong correct it”
Everyone in the saloon became so surprised. They felt sorry for Ahmet and they waited for Nihat to say something. Nihat had no choice so, he took the microphone and began to talk.Every word that Ahmet said is correct. I can’t lie. He helped me so much when I needed. He became the reason for me getting married with the girl I love. But I didn’t know you also loved my wife. I knew that your financial situation was getting bad each day. I was waiting the day you would come and you did. I kicked you out but I had a reason for that. If I would have helped you were going to feel humiliated and maybe suicide after a while and I would have lost my best friend. I called one of my friend that had a shop in front of my office and told him to give help the guy coming out from my office and he did. I asked my dad to be friend with you and you did. Afterwards I gave my dad a box. That box wasn’t my dad’s or mine. It was Ahmet’s. I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to pay you back. You took the box that brought you today. One day I send my mom with my sister to see how you were doing. You fell in love with her and you now you are getting married.
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hillwalker
04-23-2013, 09:25 AM
This isn't a story. It's a series of statements about some people - written in a tediously monotonous style. I suggest you read some short stories and novels to discover how writers write.

H

Shaman_Raman
04-23-2013, 11:37 PM
This can go from a summary to a story with some serious revising. First, show show show. No reader wants to be told the premise of a story. Show us descriptions, yearnings, authentic characters. The tale of friendship is a good underlying premise to the story, but you didn't get into it enough.

Also, you have to break up your writing. I almost clicked back as soon as I came here out of fear of reading one gigantic paragraph. Your dialogue could use work too. All dialogue is in quotations ("..."). Every time the dialogue switches from one character to another, you start a new line. And unless the dialogue is a long series, you ought to finish with "he said", or "she mourners", both depending on the image and tense your going for.

Phew, someone else can contribute now, lol. Hill, the only reason I'm giving so much feedback is because I think n k were critiquing a fourteen year-olds work