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omersireci
04-22-2013, 11:34 PM
Short story assignment
‘Where did you find it?’ Kerem asked her eight year old brother as they sat in the back of Mum’s car on the way home. ‘At the bottom of the garden in the big fern beside the shed, I thought it was a hedgehog when I saw the leaves moving about. He was stuck, cold and frightened. I helped him out and kept him in my sock drawer last night. He’s been with me all day in my school bag or up my jumper.’
That’s so cruel keeping him in a drawer. It was open. Do you think that there are more of them? He must have a family. They can’t be far away. He’s so cute. What do you think he is? No idea all I’ve ever found in the garden is frogs. There are mice as well but they are too fast to catch. Their Mum looked round when the car stopped at traffic lights. What are you two up to back there? Nothing Mum, Kerem said. The bulge under Arzy jumper wriggled. His Mum caught a glimpse of the movement before the lights changed. Have you got another frog? she said. No, he said not telling a lie. His mum was not convinced. You know you can’t keep them. They just die, it cruel so if you have one you need to put it in the pond. They pulled up in the driveway. Arzy and Kerem made a beeline upstairs before they were the subject of any further questioning.
Lots of homework to do before tea, Arzy said as he disappeared into his room. He took off his blazer and fumbled under his jumper extracting a small tartan clad figure. The two children looked at him as he shook himself and smoothed out his clothes. He glowered back at them.
He looks like a leprechaun, Kerem said. But he’s Scottish look at his clothes they are all tartan not green. Maybe he’s a Jockrehaun, Kerem said laughing. You can have my Barbie bed for him. They set up the doll’s bed on the desk in Arzy’s room watched by a curious little figure. Kerem laid out Ken’s tracksuit for him to use as pyjamas.
Their Mum was suspicious when she came in and saw the bed and the small figure in it. When did you start playing with dolls? It’s part of a game Kerem playing, Arzy said. When his Mum was gone he checked on the little man who was fast asleep. The light was streaming into the room when Arzy woke. The curtains blew from the open window. The toy bed was empty and made up perfectly. There was a note, written in neat precise handwriting.
Thank you for looking after me.
I need to go back to my family.

emreadeks
04-23-2013, 01:42 AM
That's really really perfect an example of short story and, also you used name of our friends. I like your style.

omersireci
04-29-2013, 11:23 PM
Thank you so much Mr. Eskicumali. You caught the point. I congratulate you.

Steven Hunley
04-29-2013, 11:53 PM
This isn't a bad story, in fact it's kinda cute. You may want to reveal in some subtle way however, that it's a human figure earlier. That one of the problems, in that the characters are in on the secret but the reader is left out. This is problematic, as I know you want to save that for the end.
But there's more to work on than that. Punctuation is what this needs badly. All, not just the dialogue at the start, should be in quotes. Give each speaker a new paragraph so the reader can keep things straight, like who said what. As it is, it's a good start, but nowhere near finished. When you write, expect to spend time revising.