Untitled Composition 16

[Jack of Hearts]

delete

[hillwalker]

Not flawless, but fascinating raw material to work with.

There was only one stumble:

I can’t... going upstate. I don’t understand what you’re doing. I’m not doing anything.

You chose to keep the line outside quotes - not sure if that was intentional.

Good to see you back

H

[Steven Hunley]

Not flawless, but fascinating raw material to work with.

There was only one stumble:

I can’t... going upstate. I don’t understand what you’re doing. I’m not doing anything.

You chose to keep the line outside quotes - not sure if that was intentional.

Good to see you back

H

I agree. The plot is completely stitched together with dialogue and it works. Writing is so pragmatic, whatever works, works. Would this be called minimalist? Good dynamics between the man and woman, downright realistic.

[Hawkman]

The interjections from the crowd need to be identified as such because they are interrupting dialogue between the bartender and Ray. This makes the dialogue nonsensical because it reads as a continuation of the exchange, and by the second time they're slotted in the reader has left the exiting patrons behind.

"ascertained her rapid departure" not a good word to use here and the sentence doesn't read well; "came to terms with" or "accepted" might be better. Apart from the passage hill mentioned without dialogue quotes there's a longer one too, the one which starts, "Your Cora"

I like the payoff but the characters don't really engage me. Ray is so laid back he's practically comatose and the girl comes across as kind of jittery, especially in the 'Your Cora' speech. Personally, I think you need more description, more insights into Ray and Cora's thoughts. We don't see their faces, can't read the emotion of the scene. it's presented as if observed by a third party but it's mostly written in first person, at least it ends that way. It could work well as a scene performed and directed on a set, but just off the page - for me, there's something missing. Oh, and who is Bruno?

For all that, it's not a bad read but it is a kind of dispassionate one.

Live and be well - H

[Grit]

This story is an example of why I can't watch the show Californication. It's the ying to Californication's yang.

There's lots of stories about writers these days. Californication is an example of the completely delusional glorification of a writer's lifestyle. I have trouble believing any writer actually would behave like that and the character is completely unrealistic. He's supposed to be witty, but he isn't, he's just cheesy.

This story is actually a good example of how a writer would behave. Observing the people around him without saying too much or doing too much. They are doing and saying things to him.

The dialogue really worked well in my opinion, it was spot on in how people talk and I appreciate the skill it must have taken.

However, a very small sample of the dialogue is confusing.




“Is there a problem here?”

“No, no. I just need to get my stuff…”

“Ok, it’s locked up. Let’s go get it.”

“Just a minute, Ray.”



This part was confusing for me to read as I wasn't sure who was talking. There are three potential speakers. Maybe just add a little clarification somehow.

Overall, an enjoyable read that kept me going until the end. Very strong dialogue and some great characters. Far better than californication in terms of capturing the actual behaviour of a writer.

[Jerrybaldy]

So good to read you again Jack. I didnt get the end, but I was never supposed to. Maybe. Quit deleting man. What's the worse that can happen?

[cafolini]

I think the ending was to show him how easy it was for her to get what she didn't want. She had already mentioned that earlier. Good stuff, Jack.