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Grit
04-17-2013, 07:31 PM
I have edited this story so if this is your first read, please skip down the page to the new version. Thanks.

“The great blue swells have no mind to consider mercy. That envelope of ferocity will break you in it’s immensity but not out of spite or purpose. It will break you just because that’s what it does. Our ship was wasted upon, the wood cracked, the mast broken and yet we continued on.

Every night spent upon damp wood brought us closer to the golden eye. It became a symbol to us few. Salvation. I thank God that the lighthouse was still there as I’ve done every day since. We’d have been swallowed alive.”

Putting down the book Indifferent Gods Dan scanned the horizon from on-high through the scope of an old .38 hunting rifle. A silver-grey shroud of fog hid everything below from sight. As he pulled his eye away from the scope, golden rays stung his eyes. Morning once again.

Morning made him think of day. What day was it? It was too warm to be winter. Maybe sometime in July?

July used to mean joy, not just for him but for his clan. Cindy had always loved the beach, so Dan tried to bring it to her. The back of his truck had been filled with sand, which was then deposited on the deck in the back yard and raked. All it needed then was a beach chair and an umbrella. Oh how she’d laughed when she first saw that. Her eyes had shone.

Then the neighbourhood strays had taken to staying in it and using it as their personal litter box. Dan decided he’d just take her to the beach instead from then on.

Resting his mug of wetted grounds on the tower’s rail, Dan retreated down some stairs behind him. The stairs were rotten, and shifted beneath his every step like a viscous suspension of wood and jelly.

Dan stopped as he reached a floor crudely wrought from thin wood planks. He stretched a foot across a generous gap to reach the other side, refusing to look down.

On the other side, Dan reached into the faded duffle bag he’d first associated with Calvin. It’s earth-green material had matched his shirt. Calvin had always been reliable for a game of checkers. It’d been months since he’d played, not much fun to play against yourself.

He pulled a dirty cloth from within. Unwrapping it carefully, he counted the contents, although he knew how many there were. It was kind of like when you were broke at the end of the month and you kept counting the bills because you hoped you were wrong.

One blue-red-yellow tube remained. Of course, it shouldn’t surprise him. He counted two yesterday, and three the day before that, one was the next in the natural order. It didn’t feel like it’d been that long.

Bag in hand, Dan took a step towards the stairs when the plank beneath his feet shifted with a dry crackle. Flexing his legs, he threw himself away from the unsteady ground and landed heavily on the stairs, rolling and bumping into the rail.

The tower whined at the sudden shift in weight and then was still. Heart violent in his chest, Dan looked at the plank. It had cracked down the middle, and only his reflex to jump had saved him.

As he walked back up the stairs, Dan noticed that the fog was turning to steam as the sun rounded into form

He pulled a matchbox from the bag and slid it open. Several hundred redheads lay within. Dan selected one and struck it sharply against the flint sheet. With measured practice, he lit one of the fireworks and held it aimed to the North, eyes facing away. There was a sudden tug on his hand, a screech, and then a small boom. Pretty lights danced in the sky among the morning sun.

All done. Glancing at the book, he sighed and walked back down the stairs. It’s words had become worn from use, the cover wrinkled and bent.

Dan walked until he reached the break. Chunks of ash and charcoal turned his palms black as he ran his hand along the jagged cliff in the stairs.

He’d fallen asleep that night rifle nestled in his arms. The grey-blue quiet of dawn was shattered by a gargantuan crack. Lightning. Dan had jumped awake, eyes wild with fear. Black smoke filled the air in waves. Flames took the path of his escape. Orange-red tongues waggled ever closer to Dan, and in desperation, he’d stomped the stairs. Sparks flew up with every stomp in a tempest. His eyes, seared from the smoke, were reduced to slits. The heat became overwhelming. He brought his foot down on the cinders again and again until the flames fell below. Dan almost fell himself as the stairs gave and plummeted to the ground. Arms pin-wheeling frantically, wobbling at the top of the abyss, coughing harshly. When he regained his balance, he sat on the newly created precipice and looked down at the lush grass below where the fire lay crackling. It could’ve been another continent.

Dan thought of Calvin and Sarah and how much he missed them. If they’d been here when that’d happened, Calvin would have been all serious pragmatism. He’d have been sure there was a solution and maybe he’d have found one. Sarah would’ve just cried for awhile, trying to hide it from them. Then she’d have cheered up and spent the next week trying to make them both laugh. Those had been good days. Until Dan had gotten lucky and the others had left.

Calvin had climbed up from below that day and glanced around for Sarah. Satisfied she wasn’t listening, he leaned towards Dan.

“We’re running low on food.”

“We have enough.” Dan had assured him with a friendly smile.

Calvin shook his head. “Maybe for a month, two at most.”

“Well, we’ll worry about it then.”

Calvin shook his head again. “I can’t relax. Maybe it’s something in me, left over. Knowing we don’t have enough food to last us, it - We need to get more.”

They’d talked it through and it’d been decided. Two of them would go out and gather a large store of food.

“There’s a small stop just through the forest. They probably still have stuff left. Whoever goes will head to the truck we left behind, and use that to get there.”

They’d decided that drawing straws was the best way to pick who would go. Sarah had fashioned some straws and they’d drawn. Dan picked the longest, which meant he would stay at the tower.

“You lucky dog.” Calvin had joked when Dan’s was the largest.

“You’re gonna have to learn to make your own coffee now.” Sarah had joked.

That night they’d drank, laughed and made love. As Dan lay there, wrapped in their arms, he wondered whether he really had been the lucky one. They’d have each other at least.

“When we get back, we’ll have so much food, enough for years. There’ll be no worries, just good times with good people. We’ll be happy.” Pillow talk is always idyllic. But things are different when you aren’t lying next to someone, head’s touching, safe in each other’s presence.

They left the next day loaded with supplies and water. Dan used to have enough food to survive quite a while, but he was running low. “Shoot off one of these, every morning.” They’d told him as they tapped the box that held the fireworks, right before they left. “It’ll bring us back to you, if we get lost.”

Dan nodded and smiled. Back then, it seemed like it would work, when they were an arm’s length away. Now he wondered how they’d get back up even if they did return. They said they’d be back in a week. It’d been three months.

Leaning back against the tower’s rails, the entire thing creaked and shifted. It was very old, probably a bird watching station at some point but by now it was rotted through and arthritic.

It was as simple as a decision and Dan recognized that. The only thing was that some decisions are hard to make. He didn’t want to accept that they were dead because if he accepted that, he’d be accepting that he was alone. Still, a man can’t control anything outside himself. That’s one thing he remembered from his father. He’d repeated it like a mantra. Decisions are your power in this world, they only thing you control.

Dan wasn’t one to sit and wait for death. The facts were simple. They said they’d be back in a week, and it’d been months. There was food and water left, but not much. There were no stairs down anymore.

What if they did return? They’d find him gone and the tower’s stairs destroyed. What would they think? What if they could never find the tower again without him to guide them home?

Dan looked over the railing at the ground below. It was a long way down, too long to jump but perhaps he could dampen the fall.

Dan leaned over the East side of the tower. Down below was a spattering of rocks and logs, too risky. On the west side was a small river, running through the hills. Not ideal again, because of the rocks that jutted up like spikes. The south had a steep incline and thus was out of consideration. On the north side there was nothing but flat grass, and a few rocks but far less than any other side.

Decided, Dan walked quickly down the tower to the platform below, where he gathered the remaining food and water.

Walking to the south rail, he leaned back on it heavily, hearing it creak. Dan closed his eyes. “God if you do anything to rectify for what you’ve done to this world, let it be this. Let me live.”

Dan braced himself. He remembered standing on the high dive at the local pool as a kid. The others behind him had shouted for him to go and called him names. It was so hard to jump until your closed your eyes and went for it.

Dan sprinted to the North side of the tower and slammed into the railing. The tower groaned loudly and shifted a few feet. He sprinted back to the South side of the tower and slammed into the railing again, and again the tower groaned and shifted, but more than before. Dan repeated this process, gauging his progress by the sound of the tower.

After ten slams, Dan hit the south side hard, and after a long groan there was a loud crack like breaking bones. The tower’s top lurched and Dan fell to the floor only for it to stop it’s descent, suddenly, at an obtuse angle. There was another crack as he lay there, the tower’s top precariously hanging and Dan’s heart raced. A vat of water fell on it’s side and tumbled lazily towards the south rail and then hit. With a screech, the tower began moving again, towards the ground.

Dan couldn’t help but yell, his body held taut, as his view of the sky changed to a view of the landscape. Wind whipped past his face as his view was cranked upside down and the world rushed by. There was a jarring boom and Dan’s breath was snatched from his lungs as his chest collided hard with the rail. There was pain and then consuming darkness.

Dan’s eyes opened sloppily, pain shooting through his entire body. One eye wouldn’t open fully, his right. He lifted a hand to it and felt it was crusty. The first step for Dan was to sit up. Using both arms as crutches, he propped himself up, feeling splinters beneath his hands. Behind him lay the tower, or at least half of the tower.

It was getting dark which meant that night was coming, and Dan knew that meant he had to move. Still, there was something magical about the itchy grass beneath his palms after all this time. He marvelled at the touch of it, how something natural could be so soft, so moist. Alive.

Wincing with the effort, Dan propped himself up on one knee. While he was sore, and bleeding from a wound in his forehead, he’d not broken any bones. It did hurt to breathe, but he was alive. Thank you God he whispered in his mind.

There were two ways to go; down through the grasslands or into the forest. The others had gone through the forest, and Dan knew it was the best option. The grasslands were so open. Someone’d be seen from miles around.

Dan looked around for his rifle, but it was not in plain sight. He pulled a mess of boards and wood off the ground, and there it was. Lifting it in his hands, he checked it for damage. The barrel was luckily unbent, although the handle was seriously dented.

The box of ammo was a few feet north of it, and easier to find as the shells had scattered in the fall.

Dan entered the forest and weaved through trees looming like statues from another age. He hadn’t escaped as clearly from the fall as he’d thought. There was a sharp, deep pain in his heel. There was probably a hairline fracture in it, not that there was anyone left who could confirm or deny that.

There were no animals to be seen, although Dan knew they were around. They’d learned to avoid humans. Dan remembered his youth, before all of this, when his grandfather would take him through the woods behind the farm. There had been an entire kingdom of critters; birds, rodents, raccoons, deer and elk. They wouldn’t flaunt themselves but you could sense them. A rustling bush, a rabbit’s tail as it disappeared down a hole. Now there was nothing, just quiet. Anything left had learned well to avoid man.

Dan was unnerved by the sight of a strange tree ahead of him. It was lumpy, the trunk too thick in the front, but obscured by shadow. Carefully walking closer, Dan hoisted his rifle up and held it taut to his eye.

As his dark sight adjusted, the strange lumpy trunk became clearer. Dan’s grip of his rifle loosened and it fell to the ground. It was Sarah. Her eyes stared blankly down, and there was no terror on her face despite the fact she’d been stuck to the tree with a sharpened spear through the gut. There was frustration plain on her face, no doubt at this indifferent world intent on crushing each of us.

They were nearby.

There would be no tears shed for Sarah, not from Dan or anyone. Maybe Calvin shed a tear for her after he escaped. Certainly not in the midst of battle.

There was no feeling of sadness when someone died anymore. Dan remembered when he’d arrived at his grandparents house in Kelowna, north of the city. It was after the outbreak, everything had been insane but he’d been driven by love and naivety.

It was a cabin of massive oak trunks, stacked high and broad. The farm where he’d grown up holding frogs above puddles, and crying when the chickens he befriended were made into dinner.

Jerry, his grandfather, had been in his study, just like he always was. Packing his own cigarettes with rustles and clicks, bent over a crossword puzzle. Dan had approached slowly, not wanting to scare him.

“Hey.” He’d said as he opened the door with a creak. The man had swung around quicker than Dan had ever seen him move before. Forehead sunken in, a convex sheet of useless skin covering a void in his brain. Where the frontal lobe would have been. The letter “a” in every box of the crossword.

Dan had always admired his grandpa’s ability to finish those puzzles. He’d sat in the seat next to grandpa, basking in the smell of smoke and drip coffee, spellbound by the puzzle of words and letters. Not that time, though. There’d been the smell of blood and ****. The soft sound of knife tearing through muscle. The endless tears and thoughts of ending it.

The sharp cracking of dry twigs and rustling of greenery demanded Dan’s attention. He spun his head and raised the rifle to his eye. Where was Calvin? He’d left with Sarah but he wasn’t nearby.

Bursting through the shadows was a snarling man you might believe to be a bear if you didn’t look close enough. He was massive, standing six foot six and pushing three hundred pounds. Completely naked, he sprinted towards Dan, teeth grinding unnaturally together in an expression of savagery. His forehead, like the others, sunk inwards from just above his eyebrows to halfway up his crown, the skin loose and wrinkled like a tarp.

Dan quickly jumped into the tree, hugging it. He pushed himself up using Sarah’s head as a boost, and hung precariously from an arm-thick branch. The man’s snarling had turned to disturbing wails.

Pulling hard using his back and shoulders, Dan elevated himself onto the thin branch, wincing as it creaked under his weight. It held true though, and Dan pulled himself around the tree and up onto a sturdier arm. This one was thick as a man’s middle and Dan rested there, watching as the man below screamed impossible words. His eyes were bloodshot and unwavering. There was no consideration of sociality in them. They were empty besides the desire to kill, to exert dominance.

Dan reached for his gun, only to find it quite lacking in availability. Heart sinking, he looked down at the foot of the tree. There it was. Lying useless at the monster’s feet.

The sunken head roared, shaking the skin of his face primally and walking around, checking the ground. It hefted a rock in it’s great paw and threw it at Dan. He moved his head just in time but it struck the fingers holding onto the tree and Dan called out in pain, his fingers pulsing sharply.

The sunken head hooted in delight and lumbered off into the forest, no doubt searching for something else to throw. Dan looked at his weapon below. He’d dropped it when he saw Sarah, out of surprise or shock, he didn’t remember. It didn’t matter really. The others always told him he ought to wear it on a strap around his shoulder. They were right.

Dan turned around so he was no longer hugging the trunk, legs wrapped around it’s middle. He faced the forest deep, back resting against the firm wood, the dark of night settling in on onyx leaves. The moon would be out soon. It’d be beautiful at least, and a different view. Dan was excited. The sky was beautiful at night, but there was so much of it and you only got a sliver of it from any one place. You had to move to new spots to get the full effect. At least he’d done that before he died.

There was another shape up in the tree ten feet north of Dan. A figure, sleeping against the trunk. “Hey,” Dan shouted, waving his hands. “is anyone there?”

There was no response from the prone silhouette so Dan saved his voice. It wouldn’t do to attract more. They might get the idea to shake the tree down. As stupid as they were, they were strangely intelligent too. Dan remembered when it first happened, when it spread like wildfire through the populace.

It was his second week hiding in his apartment, doors locked and barricaded, blinds drawn. He’d lived off canned food like beans and ravioli. Dan laughed to himself. He’d thought that was horrible when it happened. What he’d trade now to be back there. Ravioli for God’s sake, it’d be a fine-dining feast.

The fateful day he’d been flushed out had started as he opened a can of beans in the kitchen. There’d been a loud bell, the elevator. Living in the apartment next to it, he’d gotten used to the bell but it hadn’t gone off much in the past two weeks. The first week it’d gone off intermittently as people rushed home for whatever reason. The second week, it’d quieted as more and more people who’d survived the initial spread had died.

He’d snuck to the door and held his ear to it. The heavy, laboured breathing and the dragging, lumbering feet. He’d peeked through the hole and seen the eye of an invalid mind looking back at him. You know that sense that someone’s watching? The undocumented but undeniable human connection? That sense that someone’s there, or the ability to read their emotions through their body language? When you say the exact same thing as someone else, at the exact same time, the exact same way? Dan had heard a hundred different names for them; sunken heads, retards, cavemen, growlers, knuckle draggers. No matter what you want to call them, they have that sense.

The moon was poking it’s head through the curly hair of the treetops now and a wave of illumination was coming out. In a matter of minutes, the slumped figure on the tree became visible.

The only reason Dan recognized him was the button-up earthy green shirt and faded jeans. His head was gone, as if he’d swallowed a large calibre bullet. Resting on the grass at the tree’s base was a shotgun, as well as the spattering of blood. There it was then, it’d ended badly for both of them. Not far from the tower.

Dan began crying, not for Calvin or Sarah. He’d been long numb to the loss of life. It was the futility of it all. He’d set those fireworks off every morning like clockwork for months. There’d been countless times he saw them burst from the forest laden with backpacks full of supplies only to realize he was imagining it.

How soon after they left had they died? It couldn’t have been more than an hour. Sarah’d gone first, that was clear to him. Bursting through the forest they’d skewered her on that tree and probably watched the life go out of her. Dull minds watching the intelligence fade from her irises. They’d been pretty eyes.

Calvin probably ran to the closest tree and climbed up, gun slung around his shoulders. Then why’d he kill himself? He had a weapon, a means to protect himself. The only explanation was there were too ma-

The buzzing of voices snapped Dan back to reality and he turned to the North. From deeper in the forest came the frenzied chorus of voices. It reminded him of the shapeless cheer of sports stadiums. The rising tide of screaming human vocalization.

It got louder and Dan closed his eyes. This was probably the end. There’d been countless beautiful moments in his life to go along with the ugly.

They came from everywhere, a river rushing through reeds.

Dan’s high school graduation, hats flying up, youthful and reckless. He’d kissed Julie Swanson that night beside the fountain. It was the first and last time but he never forgot.

There were at least a hundred of them.

His eleventh birthday. Mom had gotten his favourite cake; chocolate mousse. It’d been prepared with care, candles spread with precision. He’d wished to be a fireman when he grew up.

They swarmed the tree, each one a different face, a different past but all with that wanting void in their skulls. They shook the tree frantically, gaping mouths forming crude grunts.

Dan stood on the steps of the church, as Cindy walked towards him with a smile. He never saw another thing as beautiful as long as he lived.

The tree cracked under the pressure and Dan felt it lurch beneath him.

He glanced up at the sky and his breath caught. At the tower, you could see the hills weaving through the land off to the south. Caught by moonlight they were grey and astonishing in their geometry. That said, even a masterpiece begins to look ordinary when you see it too often.

Here the trees blended together to create a mountain range of wood and pine. Bristly peaks jutted out like dwarves’ beards, and the moon hung differently, just beyond reach. It felt so close, that shimmering platinum orb.

Dan reached into his inside pocket and pulled out a cigarette. He’d saved it all these years for this moment. It dawned on him that he’d forgotten to save a lighter.

The tree snapped heavily and Dan fell.

************************************************** **************************************

End

This story is very different from most I post on here simply because of how long I've been working on it. Please share any thoughts even just to say you hate it more than anything you've ever read or that you thought it was very mediocre. I really appreciate the input.

Some of you may remember I posted a question about exposition in the General Writing forum regarding my book. Some of you made a wonderful recommendation that I drip-feed background information to my readers. I have done that and it's something I'm working on using more often. I've used it again here.

There is a lot of wisdom on this site and I'm grateful for it's existence.

Thanks for reading.

Hawkman
04-18-2013, 05:49 AM
This is not a bad read but I do have issues with the pacing and the drip-feeding of information. Revealing elements of plot as the narrative progresses is one thing, but we are nearly half-way through the tale before we find out why Dan was in the tower at all. You've used Dan's name too often here:

"Resting his mug of wetted grounds on the tower’s rail, Dan retreated down some stairs behind him. The stairs were rotten, and shifted beneath his every step like a viscous suspension of wood and jelly.

Dan stopped as he reached a floor crudely wrought from thin wood planks. He stretched a foot across a generous gap to reach the other side, refusing to look down.

On the other side, Dan reached into the faded duffle bag he’d first associated with Calvin. It’s earth-green material had matched his shirt. Calvin had always been reliable for a game of checkers. It’d been months since he’d played, not much fun to play against yourself."

The underlined section points out another unnecessary repetition; could be worded better.

There are also discrepancies in your description of the tower. First we learn that the structure is "rotten" (or the stairs at least). Rotten implies rot and natural decay. But later we learn that there's been a fire. Incidentally, the flashback about the fire isn't introduced very well. It reads as a continuation from the previous paragraph: "That night..."

When he checks the bag and counts the stuff that's inside, you don't tell us what the things he's counting are, they're eventually described as coloured tubes and then we find out they're fireworks. This is totally unnecessary prevarication. Get to the point.

Likewise, you take an inordinate amount of time to reveal the relationship between Dan and Sara. We have no idea whether you are talking about a wife, a sister or a daughter or even just a girlfriend. We never find out who Calvin was. There are other inconsistencies in the narrative. We eventually learn that Sara is Dan's wife, at least it is implied, and in the memory flashback to the sand, the home is described as having an area that a pick-up truck can dump sand, so I guess it qualifies as a garden. But much later you reveal in another flashback memory that Dan has been holed up in an apartment that requires a lift to reach.

If Dan had enough food to survive for months, the necessity of finding food for the group would not seem to have been as urgent as described at the outset. If the danger from the zombie people was that great I think it unlikely that they would have split up. Had Dan been injured and unable to move about, it would have given more substance to the reason why he was left in the tower.

The description of the Zombies as being lobotomised (the dent in the head on the frontal lobe) means they would have been totally passive. I think a slightly different image would have been better here, even just acknowledging that they're zombies. It would have established at the outset a frame of reference for the tale.

Anyway, you say that his companions have been gone for months, and then dead for months. They would not have been recognisable in the way you describe them after this amount of time in the open. They would only have been identifiable from whatever clothes or possessions they retained. Oh, and Dan may not have had a lighter, but he had matches earlier.

Continuity is important in a narrative. Oh, and is the book Dan reads a real one or did you make it up? I'm not sure about it's placement anyway. In fact I'm not 100% convinced it's necessary.

Overall I think the pace is a bit too slow. Be up front with relevant detail and don't stall the action with tiny snippets of the past. Flashbacks are all very well, but let them flow.

Live and be well - H

Grit
04-18-2013, 11:40 PM
The underlined section points out another unnecessary repetition; could be worded better.



You're absolutely right.




There are also discrepancies in your description of the tower. First we learn that the structure is "rotten" (or the stairs at least). Rotten implies rot and natural decay. But later we learn that there's been a fire. Incidentally, the flashback about the fire isn't introduced very well. It reads as a continuation from the previous paragraph: "That night..."



This is why it's so essential to get feedback. I never considered that the towers description was confusing because I've read it so many times. Much appreciated. Spot on with the flashback as well.




When he checks the bag and counts the stuff that's inside, you don't tell us what the things he's counting are, they're eventually described as coloured tubes and then we find out they're fireworks. This is totally unnecessary prevarication. Get to the point.



Haha and I thought that was a good withhold of information. Good to know.




Likewise, you take an inordinate amount of time to reveal the relationship between Dan and Sara. We have no idea whether you are talking about a wife, a sister or a daughter or even just a girlfriend. We never find out who Calvin was. There are other inconsistencies in the narrative. We eventually learn that Sara is Dan's wife, at least it is implied, and in the memory flashback to the sand, the home is described as having an area that a pick-up truck can dump sand, so I guess it qualifies as a garden. But much later you reveal in another flashback memory that Dan has been holed up in an apartment that requires a lift to reach.



Obviously I need to better define the other characters real-world relationship to Dan. Sarah is not Dan's wife, she's a woman he came to travelling with after the apocalypse. Ditto Calvin. They are only characterized in those memories. Cindy is Dan's wife. This is no fault of yours, of course, but it's great for me because it tells me I need to define those relationships more clearly. Maybe I'll get rid of either Sarah or Cindy, because it is confusing in such a short story.




If Dan had enough food to survive for months, the necessity of finding food for the group would not seem to have been as urgent as described at the outset. If the danger from the zombie people was that great I think it unlikely that they would have split up. Had Dan been injured and unable to move about, it would have given more substance to the reason why he was left in the tower.



I wanted to fight this one but I do agree. Calvin's justification for going is weak when held up to living or dying. I'll fix that one as easy as they ran out of food altogether.



The description of the Zombies as being lobotomised (the dent in the head on the frontal lobe) means they would have been totally passive. I think a slightly different image would have been better here, even just acknowledging that they're zombies. It would have established at the outset a frame of reference for the tale.



It was my understanding that someone with no frontal lobe would basically lose any sense of their higher thinking. The sunken heads are a monster I've been playing around with. It's similar to a zombie in that it is certainly mindless to a degree, but they're definitely alive and I like to think of them more like animals. Their frontal lobe is gone altogether.

This tells me I need to describe them better though. Thank you.




Anyway, you say that his companions have been gone for months, and then dead for months. They would not have been recognisable in the way you describe them after this amount of time in the open. They would only have been identifiable from whatever clothes or possessions they retained. Oh, and Dan may not have had a lighter, but he had matches earlier.



You're right they'd be husks by the time he found them.




Continuity is important in a narrative. Oh, and is the book Dan reads a real one or did you make it up? I'm not sure about it's placement anyway. In fact I'm not 100% convinced it's necessary.



Made it up. I like it because i think it's a good hook. Better than him looking through a scope as it was, anyway. Did you think it was a bad hook?




Overall I think the pace is a bit too slow. Be up front with relevant detail and don't stall the action with tiny snippets of the past. Flashbacks are all very well, but let them flow.



Good advice. Thank you SO much for your thoughts. You're a skilled critic sir.

Hawkman
04-19-2013, 05:13 AM
In answer to your question about the 'hook': Firstly, because of the way it's presented in quotation marks, the reader thinks it's being spoken by someone. Well, there's nothing wrong with opening a story with a line of dialogue but I feel that you need to present a quote from a book differently, give it an introduction to put it into context. Also, "Our ship was wasted upon," doesn't actually mean anything, wasted upon what or whom; the crew, because they couldn't sail it properly? "It became a symbol to us few." I'm not entirely happy with this. I'm not sure that it's ungrammatical but it doesn't read well to me. I think it's neater if you just say, "a symbol to us." Not sure about describing the lighthouse as a "golden eye" either. It makes me think of the sun. Rather than the quote from the book I'd start with sunrise, as the darkness fades Dan could see the words on the page... I'm not sure about the title of the book either. I know you want to tie it into the story but I feel it does the opposite. It's not a real book, so just say, "the book." You can make a reference to indifferent gods right at the end of your tale when he faces his grizzly death with his last cigarette (or not :D). As it is, it's too close to the beginning. It would be much more satisfying at the end.

Overall I think you need to restructure the piece. As it is now it feels like every other paragraph is a flashback, it's almost as if you couldn't make up your mind where the story actually is, in the present or the back story. The back story feels deeper than the present, which is basically just Dan getting out of the tower, finding his dead companions and facing his death. His escape from the zombie people, killing his own grandfather, hooking up with his companions, running out of food, the splitting of the group and his being marooned in the tower is more interesting. There's certainly more of it. I'd be inclined to develop it into a coherent narrative. Maybe supply it's elements in larger chunks in the form of scenes played out with dialogue. I like starting with the tower, a man alone is a good hook, but then tell us why he's there. After this give us the escape and the tale can run it's course. The way it is at the moment the flashbacks are too episodic and random in time. If you tell the story coherently then the relationships between the characters would be developed and you wouldn't get the inconsistencies which you've got now.

Live and be well - H

Jack of Hearts
04-22-2013, 10:18 PM
This wasn't a bad read at all. It needs some more TLC for sure though. It needs to be streamlined in a pretty significant way, and the prose itself needs more craft. For instance, we tend to get a 'laundry list' mode of 'Dan did x.' sentence structure, and similar, etc. It is simply not clean in that way. Not that it totally has to be because...

The story has some horsepower. That's this piece's strength. It's heavy on the part of entertainment value, which is a mystical effect. Why's it entertaining? No one knows, it just is. A good edit could really play to that strength. A good story seems to be the main thing. Beautiful craft is second to that, this reader thinks.

The craft here is sufficient, perhaps in a little need of love, but the story is where you really did something worthwhile. Cool!





J

AuntShecky
04-22-2013, 11:03 PM
Again, you need to work on your writing style. So many paragraphs begin the same way: "Dan. . ." "Dan. . ." Vary your sentences as well, both in length and in structure. Hemingway may have been allergic to subordinate clauses, but that doesn't mean you have to be.

Grit
04-23-2013, 02:53 PM
Thanks for the read and thoughts everyone.

I've been continuing to work on the story and have attacked many of the issues you've brought forth. I'm really busy at the moment with work and I have an opportunity to write a short script for an actual director so I'm focusing on that since I'm meeting again with him on Friday.

I'll post the revised version when I'm done with it, hopefully by the end of the weekend.

Thanks again for the read everyone. Good advice from all.

Grit
05-01-2013, 05:40 PM
“The swelling walls of wet and cold have no mind to consider mercy. It’s ever-existing savagery will shower immense force down on your spirits. An endless assault with the consistency of a beating heart. Everything we came to know of that ship was beaten by folds of liquid hammers.

Every night spent upon damp, battered wood brought us closer to the rays of sanctuary. It became a symbol. Salvation. I thank God that the lighthouse was still there as I’ve done every day since. We’d have been swallowed alive.”

Putting down the book, Indifferent Gods, Dan scanned the horizon from on-high through the scope of an old .38 hunting rifle. A silver-grey shroud of fog hid everything below from sight. As he pulled his eye away from the scope, golden rays stung his eyes. Morning once again.

Morning made him think of day. What day was it? It was too warm to be winter. Maybe sometime in July?

That meant he’d been alone for months now, waiting for the others to return with food. Dan cackled as he remembered chewing out a pizza guy for taking an hour fifteen to bring his deep dish. Then he laughed even harder, tears leaking from his eyes as he went back to before, to how good it was. Deep dish.

Getting a hold of himself, he rested his mug of wetted grounds on the rail and retreated down the stairs. The steps were rotten, and shifted beneath his every step like a viscous suspension of wood and jelly.

The descent came to a halt at a floor crudely wrought from thin wood planks a few feet from the stairs. He stretched a foot across the gap, refusing to look down.

The planks still held. On them rested the faded duffle bad that had been a shell to Calvin’s turtle. It’s earth-green material had matched his shirt.

He pulled a dirty cloth from within. Only one firework remained. Unwrapping it carefully, he checked his math several times over. It was kind of like when you were broke at the end of the month and you kept counting the bills because you hoped you were wrong.

Of course, it shouldn’t surprise him. He counted two yesterday, and three the day before that, one was the next in the natural order. It didn’t feel like it’d been that long.

Bag in hand, Dan took a step towards the stairs when the plank beneath his feet shifted with a dry crackle. The tower whined at the sudden shift in weight and then was still. Dan looked at down. The plank had cracked down the middle.

As he walked back up the stairs, Dan noticed that the fog was turning to steam as the sun rounded into form

He pulled a matchbox from the bag and slid it open. Several hundred redheads lay within. Dan selected one and struck it sharply against the flint sheet. With measured practice, he lit one of the fireworks and held it aimed to the North, eyes facing away. There was a sudden tug on his hand, a screech, and then a small boom. Pretty lights danced in the court of the morning sun.

All done. Glancing at the book, he sighed and walked back down the stairs. It’s words had become worn from use, the cover wrinkled and bent.

Compulsively walking in circles again lead him to the break. Chunks of ash and charcoal turned his palms black as he ran his hand along the jagged cliff in the stairs. Internal dread had been growing ever since that dry night when lightning struck.

On that terribly unlucky day, the grey-blue quiet of dawn was shattered by a gargantuan crack. Dan had jumped awake, eyes wild with fear. Black smoke filled the air in waves. Flames took the path of his escape. Orange-red tongues waggled ever closer to Dan, and in desperation, he’d stomped the stairs. Sparks flew up with every stomp in a tempest. His eyes, seared from the smoke, were reduced to slits. The heat became overwhelming. He brought his foot down on the cinders again and again until the flames fell below. Dan almost fell himself as the stairs gave and plummeted to the ground. Arms pin-wheeling frantically, wobbling at the top of the abyss, coughing harshly. When he regained his balance, he sat on the newly created precipice and looked down at the lush grass below where the fire lay crackling. It could’ve been another continent.

What are the odds? He'd considered that more than once.

That's all there was to think about. The lightning strike, and the other two. He kept replaying his memories of them. The day they left. It was the most recent so it was easier to form their faces.

Calvin had climbed up from below that day and glanced around for Sarah. Dan could almost make out his face but it was like seeing him through water. Sandy blond hair, mischievous eyes and a warm smile. Satisfied she wasn’t listening, he leaned towards Dan.

“We’re running low on food.”

“We have enough.” Dan had assured himself.

Calvin shook his head. “I gave the last of the dried stuff to Sarah this morning.”

“We have beans.”

Calvin shook his head again. “When was the last time you counted them?”

“I dunno, not long.”

“We have thirteen cans left.”

“Jesus Christ.” Dan ran a hand through his hair.

They’d talked it through and it’d been decided. Two of them would go out and gather a large store of food.

Calvin had asked them both to the top and they’d sat in a circle cross-legged.

“There’s a small stop just through the forest. They probably still have stuff left. Whoever goes will head to the truck we left behind, and use that to get there.”

Whoever goes will be fortunate. Dan knew as well as them that staying would be agony. Isolation, completely idle and hungry.

Like any impossibly hard decision, they’d decided that drawing straws was the best way to go. Sarah had fashioned some “straws” out of splinters of wood and they’d drawn. Dan picked the longest, which meant he would stay at the tower.

None of them had said a word. It was unspoken. This was goodbye. Dan knew they would try to come back, but he wasn’t holding out for it. It was a mess out there.

That night they’d drank, laughed and made love. Sarah had snored heavily after, but Calvin pulled himself from their warmth and sat looking into the forest. Dan couldn’t sleep either. Sarah’s skin was so soft, her expression so goofy, mouth wide enough to catch fleas. Dan had tried to absorb as much of them as he could.

They left the next day loaded with supplies and water. “When we get back, we’ll have so much food, enough for years. There’ll be no worries, just good times with good people. We’ll be happy.” Easy to say, that was.

“Shoot off one of these, every morning.” Calvin instructed as he gave Dan the bag that held the fireworks. “It’ll bring us back to you, if we get lost.”

Dan nodded and smiled. Back then, it seemed like it would work, when they were an arm’s length away. How would they even get back up even if they did return? They said they’d be back in a week. It’d been three months.

Leaning back against the tower’s rails, the entire thing creaked and shifted. It was very old, probably a bird watching station at some point but by now it was arthritic.

It was as simple as a decision and Dan recognized that. The only thing was that some decisions are hard to make. He didn’t want to accept that they were dead because if he accepted that, he’d be accepting that he was alone. Still, a man can’t control anything outside himself. That’s one thing he remembered from his father. He’d repeated it like a mantra. Decisions are your power in this world, they only thing you control.

Death wouldn't wait, so why should Dan? The facts were simple. They said they’d be back in a week, and it’d been months. Besides, three beans a day wasn’t doing it for him.

It was a long way down, over the railing. Too long to jump but perhaps he could dampen the fall.

Below the east side of the tower was a spattering of rocks and logs, too risky. On the west side was a small river, running through the hills. Not ideal again, because of the rocks that jutted up like spikes. The south had a steep incline and thus was out of consideration. On the north side there was nothing but flat grass.

Walking to the south rail, he leaned back on it heavily, hearing it creak. Dan closed his eyes. “God if you do anything to rectify for what you’ve done to this world, let it be this. Let me live.”

Eyes closed, he remembered standing on the high dive at the local pool as a kid. The others behind him had shouted for him to go and called him names. It was so hard to jump until your closed your eyes and went for it.

Dan’s eyes snapped open. He sprinted to the North side of the tower and slammed into the railing. The tower groaned loudly and shifted a few feet. He sprinted back to the South side of the tower and slammed into the railing again, and again the tower groaned and shifted, but more than before. This process was repeated, progress gauged by the sound of the tower.

After ten slams, Dan hit the south side hard, and after a long groan there was a loud crack like breaking bones. The tower’s top lurched and Dan fell to the floor only for it to stop its descent, suddenly, at an obtuse angle. There was another crack as he lay there, the tower’s top precariously hanging and Dan’s heart almost exploded. A vat of water fell on it’s side and tumbled lazily towards the south rail and then hit. With a screech, the tower began moving again, towards the ground.

Dan couldn’t help but yell, his body held taut, as his view of the sky changed to a view of the landscape. Wind whipped past his face as his view was cranked upside down and the world rushed by. There was a jarring boom and Dan’s breath was snatched from his lungs as his chest collided hard with the rail. There was pain and then consuming darkness.

Dan’s eyes opened sloppily, pain shooting through his entire body. One eye wouldn’t open fully, his right. He lifted a hand to it and felt it was crusty. The first step for Dan was to sit up. Using both arms as crutches, he propped himself up, feeling splinters beneath his hands. Behind him lay the tower, or at least half of the tower.

It was getting dark which meant that night was coming, and Dan knew that meant he had to move. Still, there was something magical about the itchy grass beneath his palms after all this time. He marvelled at the touch of it, how something natural could be so soft, so moist. Alive.

Wincing with the effort, Dan propped himself up on one knee. While he was sore, and bleeding from a wound in his forehead, he’d not broken any bones. It did hurt to breathe, but he was alive. Thank you God he whispered in his mind.

There were two ways to go; down through the grasslands or into the forest. The others had gone through the forest, and Dan knew it was the best option. The grasslands were so open. Someone’d be seen from miles around.

Dan looked around for his rifle, but it was not in plain sight. He pulled a mess of boards and wood off the ground, and there it was. Lifting it in his hands, he checked it for damage. The barrel was luckily unbent, although the handle was seriously dented.

The box of ammo was a few feet north of it, and easier to find as the shells had scattered in the fall.

Dan entered the forest and weaved through trees looming like statues from another age. He hadn’t escaped as clearly from the fall as he’d thought. There was a sharp, deep pain in his heel. There was probably a hairline fracture in it, not that there was anyone left who could confirm or deny that.

There were no animals to be seen, although Dan knew they were around. They’d learned to avoid humans. Dan remembered his youth, before all of this, when his grandfather would take him through the woods behind the farm. There had been an entire kingdom of critters; birds, rodents, raccoons, deer and elk. They wouldn’t flaunt themselves but you could sense them. A rustling bush, a rabbit’s tail as it disappeared down a hole. Now there was nothing, just quiet. Anything left had learned well to avoid man.

Dan was unnerved by the sight of a strange tree ahead of him. It was lumpy, the trunk too thick in the front, but obscured by shadow. Carefully walking closer, Dan hoisted his rifle up and held it taut to his eye.

As his dark sight adjusted, the lumpy trunk became clearer. Dan’s grip of his rifle loosened and it fell to the ground. A thousand tiny creatures thrived on the tree, around a thick branch which had been violently forced into it’s trunk. A corpse lay at the foot of the tree. Long deserted by maggots, the bones were brown as if stained by coffee. A crushed ruin of ribs and spine rested in a pile below the pelvis.

Dan’s vision narrowed and shook when he saw shreds of clothing littered about. Jagged pieces of a white shirt - Patches of cargo material.

In Dan’s last mental image of Sarah, that’s what she’d worn. They’d barely made it a mile.

Dan chuckled bitterly, as he leant down to pick up a mouldy piece of her shirt. The humour came from the conversations of hope and salvation that had flowed so easily from mouth to mouth while they were all together - safe. There would be no tears shed for Sarah, not from Dan or anyone. Maybe Calvin shed a tear for her after he escaped. Certainly not in the midst of a struggle.

There was no feeling of sadness when someone died anymore. Dan remembered when he’d arrived at his grandparents house in Kelowna, north of the city. It was after the outbreak, everything had been insane but he’d been driven by love and naivety.

It was a cabin of massive oak trunks, stacked high and broad. The farm where he’d grown up holding frogs above puddles, and crying when the chickens he befriended were made into dinner.

Jerry, his grandfather, had been in his study, just like he always was. Packing his own cigarettes with rustles and clicks, bent over a crossword puzzle. Dan had approached slowly, not wanting to scare him.

“Hey.” He’d said as he opened the door with a creak. The man had swung around quicker than Dan had ever seen him move before. Forehead sunken in, a convex sheet of useless skin covering a void in his brain. Where the frontal lobe would have been. The letter “a” in every box of the crossword.

Dan had always admired his grandpa’s ability to finish those puzzles. He’d sat in the seat next to grandpa, basking in the smell of smoke and drip coffee, spellbound by the puzzle of words and letters. Not that time, though. There’d been the smell of blood and ****. The soft sound of knife tearing through muscle. The endless tears and thoughts of ending it.

The sharp cracking of dry twigs and rustling of greenery demanded Dan’s attention. Where was Calvin? He’d left with Sarah but he wasn’t nearby.

Bursting through the shadows was a snarling man you might mistake for a bear if you didn’t look close enough. A massive boulder of flesh and blood, he stood six foot six and had to be pushing three hundred pounds. Completely naked, he lumbered towards Dan, penis flopping about unabashed. His forehead, like the others, sunk inwards from just above his eyebrows to halfway up his crown. The skin hung limply over his furry brows like an empty leather bag.

The tree was his only escape, and so Dan began to scale it quickly. He pushed himself up using Sarah’s head as a boost, and hung precariously from an arm-thick branch. The man’s snarling had turned to disturbing wails.

Pulling hard using his back and shoulders, Dan elevated himself onto the thin branch, wincing as it creaked under his weight. The moss-drenched wood held true and Dan pulled himself around the tree and up onto a sturdier arm. Thick as a man’s middle, it held Dan’s weight and he caught his breath there, watching as the man below screamed impossible words. His eyes were savage. There was no consideration of sociality in them. They were empty besides the desire to kill, to exert dominance.

Dan reached for his gun, only to find it quite lacking in availability. Heart sinking, he looked down at the foot of the tree. There it was. Lying useless at the monster’s feet.

The sunken head roared, shaking the skin of his face primally and walking around, checking the ground. It hefted a rock in it’s hand, and a lot like a shot putter would, threw it at Dan. It barely missed his head, but he ducked just in time, unfortunately, it struck the fingers holding onto the tree and Dan screamed mentally, keeping his jaw locked tight.

The sunken head hooted in delight and lumbered off into the forest, no doubt searching for something else to throw. Dan looked at his weapon below. He’d dropped it when he saw Sarah, out of surprise or shock, he didn’t remember. It didn’t matter really. The others always told him he ought to wear it on a strap around his shoulder. They were right.

Dan rotated around, so he wasn’t face deep in the fragrant trunk. He faced the forest deep, back resting against the firm body of an ancient giant, watching the dark of night settling in on onyx leaves. The moon would be out soon. It’d be beautiful at least, and something different. Dan was excited. The sky was beautiful at night, but there was so much of it and you only got a sliver of it from any one place. You had to move to new spots to get the full effect.

There was something up the tree just north of Dan. A dark shape, slumped, and obscured by the blanket grey of dusk. “Hey,” Dan shouted, waving his hands. “is anyone there?”

There was no response from the prone silhouette so Dan saved his voice. It wouldn’t do to attract any thing. That’s how he’d spent his life since the world had devolved into madness.

It was his second week hiding in his apartment, doors locked and barricaded, blinds drawn. He’d lived off canned food like beans and ravioli. Dan laughed to himself. He’d thought that was horrible when it happened. What he’d trade now to be back there. Ravioli for Christsakes sake, it’d be a fine-dining feast.

The fateful day he’d been flushed out had started as he opened a can of beans in the kitchen. There’d been a loud bell, the elevator. Living in the apartment next to it, he’d gotten used to the bell but it hadn’t gone off much in the past two weeks. The first week it’d gone off as often as the sirens roared on the streets below. The second week, the frequency of both dwindled until it became almost nil.

He remembered his pounding chest as he snuck to the door and pressed an ear against it. The heavy, laboured breathing and thundering footfalls. He’d peeked through the hole and seen the eye of an invalid mind looking back at him. You know that sense that someone’s watching? The undocumented but undeniable human connection? That sense that someone’s there, or the ability to read their emotions through their body language? When you say the exact same thing as someone else, at the exact same time, the exact same way? Dan had heard a hundred different names for them; sunken heads, retards, cavemen, growlers, knuckle draggers. No matter what you want to call them, they have that sense.

The moon was poking it’s head through the curly hair of the treetops now and a wave of illumination was rolling through the forest. In a matter of minutes, the slumped shadow on the tree became visible.

The only reason Dan recognized him was the button-up earthy green shirt and faded jeans. They were hanging loosely off a skeleton without a skull. Nestled in the wild grass below, hard to see but there all the same, was Calvin’s shotgun. There it was then, that’s what had become of his friends.

Dan began crying, not for Calvin or Sarah. He’d set those fireworks off every morning like clockwork for months. There’d been countless times he saw them burst from the forest laden with backpacks full of supplies only to realize he was imagining it.

How soon after they left had they died? It couldn’t have been more than an hour. Sarah’d gone first, that was clear to him. Bursting through the forest they’d skewered her there and probably watched the life go out of her. Dull minds watching the intelligence fade from her irises. They’d been pretty eyes.

Calvin probably ran to the closest tree and climbed up, gun slung around his shoulders. Then why’d he kill himself? He had a weapon, a means to protect himself. The only explanation was there were too ma-

The buzzing of voices snapped Dan back to reality and he turned to the North. From deeper in the forest came the frenzied chorus of voices. It reminded him of the shapeless cheer of sports stadiums. The rising tide of screaming human vocalization.

It got louder and Dan closed his eyes. There’d been countless beautiful moments in his life to go along with the ugly.

They came from everywhere, a river rushing through reeds.

Dan’s high school graduation, hats flying up, youthful and reckless. He’d kissed Julie Swanson that night beside the fountain. It was the first and last time but he never forgot.

There were at least a hundred of them, swarming like ants with that unspoken co-ordination.

His eleventh birthday. Mom had gotten his favourite cake; chocolate mousse. It’d been prepared with care, candles placed with precision. He’d wished to be a fireman when he grew up. Cheers and laughter.

They swarmed the tree, each one a different face, a different past but all with that loose bag of skin hanging from their heads. One of them killed another with a rock blow to the back of the head, took it’s place on the tree, and began to yell.

Dan stood on the steps of the church, as Cindy walked towards him with a smile. He never saw another thing as beautiful as long as he lived.

The tree cracked under the pressure and Dan felt it lurch beneath him.

He glanced up at the sky and his breath caught. At the tower, you could see the hills weaving through the land off to the south. Caught by moonlight they were grey and astonishing in their geometry.

Here the trees blended together to create a mountain range of wood and pine. Bristly peaks jutted out like dwarves’ beards, and the moon hung differently, just beyond reach. It felt so close, that shimmering platinum orb.

Dan reached into his inside pocket and pulled out a cigarette. He’d saved it all these years for this moment. It dawned on him that he’d forgotten a lighter. Hands darted in his pockets, and he found a match, left over from before. There was a trick to light them withou-

The tree snapped heavily and Dan fell.

End.

I know you wanted more restructuring Hawk but I kind of like the structure. I do agree with a lot of the criticism you gave though, and I tried to apply as much of it as I was comfortable with. Thank you so much for your input.

Ditto Auntie, I just want you to know that your commentary on my writing style has not fallen on deaf ears. I've really been paying attention to sentence structure and I've been trying to avoid simple declarative sentences. Thanks a lot.

Jack of Hearts
05-02-2013, 11:30 PM
Dan was unnerved by the sight of a strange tree ahead of him. It was lumpy, the trunk too thick in the front, but obscured by shadow. Carefully walking closer, Dan hoisted his rifle up and held it taut to his eye.

As his dark sight adjusted, the lumpy trunk became clearer. Dan’s grip of his rifle loosened and it fell to the ground. A thousand tiny creatures thrived on the tree, around a thick branch which had been violently forced into it’s trunk. A corpse lay at the foot of the tree. Long deserted by maggots, the bones were brown as if stained by coffee. A crushed ruin of ribs and spine rested in a pile below the pelvis.

Dan’s vision narrowed and shook when he saw shreds of clothing littered about. Jagged pieces of a white shirt - Patches of cargo material.

Globally, an improvement. Still kind of harsh to fall through, though. This reader understands only too well, believe that. It can be hard to get the language to carry the plot properly, and it's easy to instead think about the ground you have to cover. But, to be honest, in a lot of places your sentences just don't fit together very well. What is this called? Prosody?

Jack of Hearts has never officially studied literature, creative writing or literary theory, so he perhaps finds himself at a loss to communicate what he believes the central issue is (this is also your cue to take his feedback with a grain of salt).

Try reading certain segments aloud. Pretend you're someone else reading it for the first time, as best you can. If this reader had to describe his experience of trying this, he might say 'choppy' or 'forced' or 'clumsy.' Again, the story itself is still entertaining enough, but you sure make us read the word 'Dan' a lot. Maybe it's a lack of cohesion or something. Flow?

Anyways, to illustrate the point, look at the cohesiveness of these two paragraphs from Madame Bovary:


And thus she seemed so virtuous and inaccessible to him that he lost all hope, even the faintest. But by this renunciation he placed her on an extraordinary pinnacle. To him she stood outside those fleshly attributes from which he had nothing to obtain, and in his heart she rose ever, and became farther removed from him after the magnificent manner of an apotheosis that is taking wing. It was one of those pure feelings that do not interfere with life, that are cultivated because they are rare, and whose loss would afflict more than their passion rejoices.

Emma grew thinner, her cheeks paler, her face longer. With her black hair, her large eyes, her aquiline nose, her birdlike walk, and always silent now, did she not seem to be passing through life scarcely touching it, and to bear on her brow the vague impress of some divine destiny? She was so sad and so calm, at once so gentle and so reserved, that near her one felt oneself seized by an icy charm, as we shudder in churches at the perfume of the flowers mingling with the cold of the marble. The others even did not escape from this seduction.

If you read this aloud, of course it doesn't sound like everyday speech, but it certainly seems to come from a distinct speaker, doesn't it? And the naturalness and flow of the language seems like it could belong to spoken language-- that is, at least to this reader, it doesn't seem artificial (whether or not it actually is seems like a debate for others more trained in the field).

Anyway, the intended point, hopefully.






J




EDIT: Not to say that you should write like Flaubert or his translator, but picked Flaubert because he seemed like a more obvious example for this kind of thing, what with his whole 'mot juste' and what not...

Hawkman
05-03-2013, 05:24 AM
This is only marginally better, I'm afraid. The last thing you should have done is extend the quote from the book. It isn't particularly well written, it's irrelevant and completely diffuses the drama of the opening. You should ditch this altogether.

You still haven't addressed the massive plot-hole in how Dan survived for months on three beans a day. Utter nonsense. Have you ever seen anyone dying from malnutrition? I have, and I can assure you that someone in this condition would be unable to walk, let alone demolish a tower by running about in it. Although you've quantified the state of the group's food supply, you then tell us that Calvin and Sara take most of it away with them. There is absolutely no logic in the group's splitting up and no believable reason is given for leaving Dan behind.

I'm really not keen on the lightning strike scenario either. A little research on the effects of lightning strike would tell you this. If the tower has no lightning conductor Dan would almost certainly have been killed or at least severely incapacitated by it. If the tower has a conductor, it probably wouldn't have caught fire. He'd have to be pretty stupid to stay there anyway. I certainly wouldn't have and rather than risk knocking the thing over with me inside it, I'd have tried to climb down.

The first rule of writing is that you have to be prepared to murder your babies. Step back, look at the piece logically, be dispassionate and wield Ockham's razor.

Live and be well - H

Grit
05-03-2013, 09:41 AM
Well, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. Not at any of the much needed reviews, but in the story, it's wooden prose and the plot holes.

Thank you all for helping me get a better sense of where I stand. There's much work to be done.

Jack of Hearts
05-03-2013, 02:26 PM
Yes! No tail curling. The world and this forum is a worse place without your efforts so get back to work. Don't give up.

You took a debt. LitNet is blood in, blood out playa.





J