Melancholy

[Twota]

He sat in the dark alone
except for his best friend,
warmed and lightened
by her mere existence;
he told her of his fears
and she lightly nodded,
told her of his pains
and watched her tears run
down her diminishing body;
he sat in the dark alone
and oh, so alone he sat.

[hillwalker]

Hmm. . .

I'd say it's impossible for anyone to come up with something original when trying to write about grief or love or any other abstract emotion - like melancholy. It's already been written about before countless times by dozens of better poets than we get to see on this forum. So you're already onto a hiding for nothing.

Overall impression - there's nothing new here. So it comes across as rather weak simply because we've heard it all before. Recycled cliches about loneliness and fears and pain and tears don't cut it, I'm afraid. And I'm guessing you already know that.

'watcher' in L8 is a typo - for 'watched'? But I don't understand how her tears ran down her diminishing body. Unless she has tear ducts the size of an elephant's. And you repeat that he's alone (3 times) when he obviously is not.

My advice - try to come up with a more original topic - something personal to you. A poem is meant to shed light on a particular aspect of the human condition that hopefully has never been revealed in such a way before. It's meant to leave the reader feeling grateful for being shown the writer's unique viewpoint. It's meant to enlighten the reader; to allow them to see something familiar with fresh insight. That's why it's not as easy as it must have been to write this one.

H

[Shaman_Raman]

I took away from this a man who's grieving a love who's now gone, except for a memory. Her "diminishing body" hinted at this for me, plus you repeat "alone" three times, which is you trying to emphasize no one's really with you.

Either that, or its a guy stuck in himself feeling alone even if he's not...But I'd doubt this, because he told her his fears, so there's obvious trust between the two people.

I'd say it's too vague. Whatever specific idea your going for needs to be shown more.

[miyako73]

In a short poem, every word should count.

"He sat in the dark alone
except for his best friend,"

Why use "alone" when he was not?

[Twota]

Oh guys, I know I shouldn't explain my poems to the readers but I feel extremely compelled. I will just say one word as a hint: " Candle ". :D I hope that everything would make much more sense now.

[Shaman_Raman]

Oh, gotcha...well it wouldn't hurt to give a tad more detail to hint at that. Even if it's a personification, the object being personified needs more.

"Wax tears
Run down
A diminishing body."

[hillwalker]

Not so much a poem as a riddle. Unfortunately, since you're not sitting next to the reader when they come across this poem they'll never get to understand what you meant. And if he's in the dark - how come the burning candle doesn't shed any light???

H

[Twota]

The candle sheds light ;o line 3 shows that "warmed and lightened" the words can go both ways as a candle or a human, same for "lightly nodded", I wanted the reader to think. :/

[hillwalker]

But that's not what you wrote in L1. You can't have it both ways - and all we have to go on is what you wrote.
It's great that you want to provoke a response in the reader - and want them to think for themselves.
A candle lightly nodding is a wonderful image - but it's wasted because you never mention the candle or its flame in the poem itself.
Poems that require footnotes to explain what they're about aren't well-written poems. All is not lost, but I think you need to take a second look at this so the reader 'gets' what it's supposed to be about from the poem itself.

H

[Twota]

Hmh =/ you are right... I will try to work on it a little tonight, may be add a line or edit one to make it clearer. :D