A Tour Inside

[miyako73]

Anywhere I go is a palette of Monet-
Anemic red, green that deceives, bleu de France,
Dull shades of what I can remember,
Impressions of my childhood somewhere distant,
A garden between two graying lakes,
A dream about wet lilies, table bouquets, nostalgic.

I see a passing fetid whiff of April air
Disturbing barren bushes, pushing leafless trees,
An incomplete song of a dying finch
Dragging its wings, dancing its last in the sun,
A despair of a road, nameless, idle,
Invaded by weeds, all rocks now, long-forgotten.

Inside my room that needs clearing,
Everywhere is a visual binge, a torture to my eyes-
An incomplete kiss, a lame embrace
On the saggy bed I press, on the dusty wall I touch,
A hand holding my cheek for goodbye,
A bleeding fist, a door slammed, all in my beat-up mind.

[miyako73]

I have to re-title this to make my reason for the irregular metering obvious. For bumping too. Any critique?

Irregular Breathing

Anywhere I go is a palette of Monet-
Anemic red, green that deceives, bleu de France,
Dull shades of what I can remember,
Impressions of my childhood somewhere distant,
A garden between two graying lakes,
A dream about wet lilies, table bouquets, nostalgic.

I see a passing fetid whiff of April air
Disturbing barren bushes, pushing leafless trees,
An incomplete song of a dying finch
Dragging its wings, dancing its last in the sun,
A despair of a road, nameless, idle,
Invaded by weeds, all rocks now, long-forgotten.

Inside my room that needs clearing,
Everywhere is a visual binge, a torture to my eyes-
An incomplete kiss, a lame embrace
On the saggy bed I press, on the dusty wall I touch,
A hand holding my cheek for goodbye,
A bleeding fist, a door slammed, all in my beat-up mind.

[hillwalker]

I had to read this two or three times to get the full sense of it - which is no bad thing.

I can't really fault it apart from the opening line of verse 2 - 'a fetid whiff of April air' is perhaps too repellant. . . and can one actually 'see' the smell of the air?

H

[miyako73]

Thanks, Hill. I think you can see it through the movement of what it disturbs. In a tortured mind, everything is visible including pain, despair, and other abstract feelings.