Exercising my "imagery muscles"

[Adolescent09]

I do not consider this a real poem since it does not have a specific topic and I wrote it only to practice my use of imagery. I have been told on several occasions that I tend to be too wordy, and I wish to know if that is still the case here. Thanks :)


[Untitled]
by Adol09

Weary birds gulp fogs of sphere to douse their hunger pangs,
Drifting nests are homes of fear built on grounds of hay,
Cretins carve their glassy tears to shape the crystal heavens
Filling dull lives to the brim with dreams in mini drops of fate,
A serenade blew from winter's flute to freeze the hope of day,
Roots of faith need irrigation that seas of sin will not vouchsafe

[Hawkman]

Firstly, this is less about imagery than rhythm. The rhythms, alliteration and rhyme are burying your imagery which isn't thought through. You are combining random words in the vague hope that they create an incidental 'picture'. It isn't working I'm afraid, because this way, all you end up with is nonsense and you'll wake up one morning speaking French and calling yourself cacian. Sorry, but it's true. Another thing you want to a avoid is using of a lot, as in, "fogs of sphere" which doesn't convey a lot anyway. Much too random.

The way to use imagery is to use ordinary things as metaphors for ideas and concepts, not the other way round, because if you are too random there is no frame of reference for the reader. He's not psychic and doesn't know what's going on inside your head. You just baffle him and he goes away and doesn't come back. You have to use recognisable images in an appropriate context or you lose the reader. And you need to follow at least the basics of grammar, subject verb object when constructing sentences. In English, it is possible to use OSV for effect, but only if you know what you are doing. It has to be done appropriately, and you need to get a feel for it.

Try reading some Ted Hughes. Look up 'the thought fox'. Read some Philip Larkin. Read "The Toad Work" these are two titles which use images to suggest a concept. And the poems are wonderful. Don't use words like you are blasting them from a shotgun. Choose your words carefully and sparingly, then deliver them on target with the precision of a sniper.

Live and be well - H

[miyako73]

Adolescent, you can write, but please calm down. Manic language play is so common among rappers. Their writings are not relaxed. They use just any words without considering their effects on meanings, contexts, and tones of phrases, sentences, and paragraphs.

"Roots of faith need irrigation that seas of sin will not vouchsafe." Read that again and again. It sounds both agricultural and religious.