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JWD
04-04-2013, 01:35 PM
It’s the year 2033. All people live in tall skyscrapers. There are no longer houses with land because the population has grown so extensively. Jack Jones is an undercover police detective. He drives a black car that is capable of flying. He resides in apartment 55G at Gravel Terrace Skyrise Complex. He is rather weathered looking from the stress of his job and yet he is only 45 years old. Crime has risen as well as the population. Jack enjoys Scotch on the rocks and smokes cigars after a long day at work. He is has been married to his wife Laurie for 20 years. Laurie teaches 8th grade Earth Science at a Military High School called Young Cadet Academy. Jack and Laurie have a 15 year old son named Roger who attends this school. No one knows Jack’s profession except for Laurie and Roger.

Jack Jones is working close with the police force in investigating the sale of illegal firearms. He sends his brother George to gun shows to see new merchandise and to see who is buying and selling. George is also a detective assisting with the same case. He also sends undercover cops to the school his son attends.
Jack also recruits the help of his son Roger, who is on the Honor Society, to be an informer within the Academy. Jack got a tip that there is a group of kids selling illegal pistol laser guns in the school. He tells Roger to become friends with them. The next day at lunch Roger makes friends with some of the students his father told him to. He knows what the kids look like from mug shots since they have been arrested before. Roger first becomes friends with a Native American named Con. During Computer lab they watch America’s Funniest Home Videos. Con invites Roger over for dinner. They eat hamburgers and French fries. As the weeks go by Roger slowly finds out what other students are involved in selling the laser guns. Roger asks the janitor, Peter, “Where can I buy a gun around here for $50?” The janitor opens up his closet and shows the young man three different types of pistols and then asks him, “Which one would you like to buy?” Roger wants the 44 Magnum Laser gun. Peter tells Roger to bring in the money on Tuesday. Roger brings the money the next day.

The next day Detective Jack comes in the school with a search warrant. He finds four pistols in Con’s locker. Since Roger and Con have become such good friends, Detective Jack is willing to give Con a break if he tells who sold him the guns. Con, pretending to be helpful agrees to help and tells Detective Jack that it’s Peter the janitor and Hilda the cafeteria lady. Detective Jack, Con, and Roger head towards the janitor’s closet. Peter realizes his situation. He immediately takes Roger hostage throwing him in his closet. He tells Jack if he wants to see his son live, he must let him go and orders Jack to throw his weapons down. Jack agrees to do anything to save his son. Peter tells Jack to lay face down on the floor and he tells Con to take Jack’s gun. When Con takes Jack’s gun he feels remorse for what he is doing. He feels an emotional tie to Roger. He double crosses Peter. Peter not expecting it gets an order from Con to let Roger out of the closet or he will shoot him. Peter does not believe it so Con shoots him in the leg. Detective Jack kicks down the janitor’s door to let Roger out. Hilda hearing a gunshot where Peter is located runs to the scene, equipped with a kitchen knife. Roger having a hard biscuit in his pocket throws it at Hilda. It beans her in the head and she falls to the ground. Ironically, it was the biscuit she baked herself for the students.

Detective Jack handcuffs the pair and reads them their rights. A month later they are sentenced. Hilda is sentenced to work on a chain gang for a year. Peter has to do 25 years to life in a maximum security facility. Roger returns to the academy and five years after he graduates he becomes a detective like his father. Con is given one month of community service. He has to give lectures at different schools to students about not doing stupid things to act cool and gain friends. Jack retires and takes Laurie on a well-deserved vacation.

hillwalker
04-04-2013, 01:59 PM
It's a shame you're unable to respond in a positive way to the well-intentioned advice we have offered on here regarding your earlier posts and the way you have chosen to write them.

You're wasting your time and ours churning out dross like this I'm afraid. It's unreadable.

H

jayat
04-04-2013, 02:41 PM
A man in his middle-forties, run down, wrinkles below his eyes, pale, opens a flat's door and comes almost dragging his feet. Through the wide window in the living-room he sees the gigantic stems/stalks made of concrete and glass in which people lived like bees in hives. While he pours out a bit of Scotch in a cristal cup with two ice cubes, he admires once again like everyday the vision of the same panorama and tries to know how twenty-eight million people can live all together, like seas of ants, in so vertical spaces. A tune of monotonous hard, dry double-beats of drums and noisy blows in brass band instruments sounds. He takes his cell phone and answered.

-Yes, George…No, I just arrived at home, I can’t talk now …What? Do you get it? Where are you?
And so on….
Not Shakespeare and excuse my non-idiomaticity? but could work

cafolini
04-04-2013, 03:17 PM
Predicting mostly an impossible future.

Shaman_Raman
04-04-2013, 03:51 PM
JWD, I've been trying to reply to your message, but I'm unable to find them in my sent mail. So there may be a problem on my end, thus I'll just reply here. I apologize if I have offended you in any personal way. I understand you'd prefer to just receive constructive criticism in a professional manner, I respect that.

However, that can't be a one way street. You need to acknowledge the advise given from myself and others, and take into consideration what we have to say. Otherwise, our feedback is more or less useless. No one here is attacking YOU, but rather your writing which seems unchanged.

If you joined this site for the intention of improving your writing, welcome. In addition to taking our advise, try reading other lit users work. Try to pick up on the good elements in their writings, along with the bad. Get engaged.

JWD
04-06-2013, 01:12 PM
Hillwalker,

Well-intentioned advice can be given in a friendly manner. Please see the difference in your comments and Jayat's. He was willing to actually SHOW me how to improve where you just dish out cruel statements. PLEASE don't waste any more of your time reading my unreadable dross.

JWD
04-06-2013, 01:18 PM
Thank you Shaman_Raman. I am trying to acknowledge advise given and take into consideration what others have to say. I am new in writing in a professional way. I wanted to join this site to improve, but it will not come over night. I have to rethink the way I present myself on paper.

hillwalker
04-06-2013, 01:20 PM
At last a response. . .

If you read back over our previous feedback to your earlier posts you will see that we have offered you friendly advice about how to improve your writing.

So far all you have posted are summaries of stories rather than stories. The fact that you continue to write these in the same style suggests you don't wish to make any attemot to improve. That's your perogative, but don't expect us to continue offering the same advice over and over again. It gets frustrating after a while having our responses ignored.

If you want to be SHOWN how to improve your writing, try reading some short stories (again - as advised earlier) and see if you can spot the difference between how other writers tell a story and how you go about the exercise.

H

Shaman_Raman
04-06-2013, 03:19 PM
Hillwalker is the Gregory House of the Lit Forum haha.

Shaman_Raman
04-06-2013, 03:24 PM
Thank you Shaman_Raman. I am trying to acknowledge advise given and take into consideration what others have to say. I am new in writing in a professional way. I wanted to join this site to improve, but it will not come over night. I have to rethink the way I present myself on paper.

Okay then. Also, don't scrape these writings of yours. When I read them, I feel like your giving me a summary of stories you have construed in your head. As you work on improving your writing, revisit these drafts and try to construct something out of them.

AuntShecky
04-06-2013, 11:15 PM
At this point in your budding career, it might be a good idea to spend as much time reading as you do writing. Read a copious amount of modern and contemporary short stories from a variety of eras, and as you read, see if you can determine not only "what" the story is about but "how" the writer produces the desired effect. In other words, work on your craft by studying the masters.

Brush up on your grammar, spelling, and punctuation skills as well. Build up a rich vocabulary, so that you'll never have to resort to using clichés.

After nearly six years on the LitNet it has gradually dawned on me that I've been spending more time commenting on the posts of other LitNutters rather than working on my own "stuff." (I wouldn't mind, but I find that my own posts seldom generate many comments. I wish there were more reciprocity, a balance.)

Consequently from now on I'll probably post responses mainly to those who have the courtesy to return the favor.

Your post got in under the wire, so you received the above comment, as well as this (debuting tonight!) standard reply (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?74584-The-Elements-of-Fiction-What-Makes-a-Short-Story-quot-Good-quot&p=1212486#post1212486). (Click.)

Good luck.

Auntie