A Slugfest

[kidstone]

As the going gets weird, the weird turn pro, Hunter Thompson

[Charles Darnay]

I think the main issue is that you are trying too hard. This piece is just so overwritten, with awkward phrases and weird passive tenses that it completely overshadows the fact that there is nothing happening in the story. Also, if you are going to start a story in such a clichéd way, be prepared for people to give up after the first sentence.

Finding a good style is difficult - and looking to other writers for inspiration is a good idea. However, it seems that you are trying to adopt a style you are not comfortable with and it just reads painfully. The only way to work through this is to keep writing, and editing: cut through the garbage and find the story you really want to tell - and don't worry abound sounding sophisticated.