Freestyle inspired Rap Poetry?

[Adolescent09]

This is one of the first rap (poetically inspired) rhymes I have ever written. I would love to write lyrics for underground hip hop artists on YouTube, Hip Hop forums, and other creative venues who do not care for money/fame etc... It is just a hobby. I do not want to make ANY money from my lyrics and I am not a ‘rapper’ so I can’t deliver them well. If anyone knows of someone who would like to collaborate with me, I’d be more than happy to write more. :)

Working Title: An Underground Alliance


Mixing wishful dishes to sincerely tantalize your senses
Dappling sporadic light refractions right through your glass’ lenses
I’m a product of gritty beat lickers n’ witty word blenders
Crashing your wackness through my blackness leavin’ dents in fenders
My bros chose to go nourish prose in college
But this quick hit slits doors wit’ nails of knowledge
What’s tight? To grip a mic intent on ripping peals of silence
My only wish? To die quick and dream with
the spirits of an underground alliance.

[YesNo]

I liked the assonance, even internal rhyme, especially the "o" sound in line 5, within the lines, and the rap-like rhyme justifying an end of a line. It seems you have sound-techniques down. There seem to be 6-8 accented syllables per line. If in doubt, I would try to keep that uniform were I writing this, but whatever sounds good is what ultimately matters. As a reader, I am also looking for a meaning which will make me want to reread the poem.

[Adolescent09]

Thanks for the generous input, YesNo. (Your forum name reminds me of the response I get to straightforward questions I ask my best friend. His response is typically "Yes and No". I hate that! lol :D)

Here are mild revisions to the original post:

Working Title: An Underground Alliance


A mix of wishful dishes to sincerely lift your senses
My dappled light refracts right through your glass’ lenses
I'm a product of gritty rhythm lickers n’ witty word blenders
I crack your lack of tact with lines so black it renders dents in fenders
My bro chose to go nourish prose in college
But this quick hit slits flows wit' nails of knowledge
What’s right? To grip a mic intent to rip peals of silence
My only wish? To die quick then dream 'midst
the spirits of an underground alliance.

Do you think there is more meaning now, or is it still obfuscated?

Like most, if not all music lyrics, it isn't true poetry, but the focus of freestyle rap verses is to deluge your audience in ridiculously high servings of word play. :p

[YesNo]

It is nice, Adolescent09. It's not obfuscated. I consider music lyrics to be poetry although many songwriters don't want to be labeled as "poets" and considering some of the poetry I've read, I can't blame them. I do like the word play you use.

[Jassy Melson]

I agree with Ray Charles: Rap is not music; it's bad poetry with a monotnous drum beat.

[Adolescent09]

I agree with Ray Charles: Rap is not music; it's bad poetry with a monotnous drum beat.

Oh my god, I'm sick and tired of you loons whose only knowledge of rap/hip hop is the garbage played on the radio. There are literally millions of underground YouTube/Last.fm/Grooveshark rap artists who paint aesthetic images with their words.

Take your trolling elsewhere.

[Jassy Melson]

You should take your own advice. Rap is garbage.

[Adolescent09]

You should take your own advice. Rap is garbage.

Oh rlly? http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?74495-For-those-who-claim-Hip-Hop-is-dead-doesn-t-exist-anymore

[Delta40]

Don't take the bait with Jassy 'troll' Melson. Personally, rap poetry isn't my style. Can you tell me how this differs from slam poetry at all?

[hillwalker]

You should take your own advice. Rap is garbage.

There's a long heritage of poetry through rap from 60's Bob Dylan's talkin' blues to Everlast. The fact that you personally don't appreciate the genre doesn't mean it's all garbage.

H

[Jassy Melson]

Yes it does

[AuntShecky]

Don't listen to those who would summarily dismiss an entire genre. It was either Louis Armstrong or the Duke (can't remember which, I love them both madly!) who said: "There are only two types of music, good and bad." We can have good rap music and we have bad rap (as well as a "bad rep" -- but that's a different story.)

The only problem I have with rap music is that it's often played too loudly for me old ears to make out the lyrics distinctively. The booming bass beat drowns out the words, which come across to my aging auditory system as babbling. This, of course, is not the artist's fault.

I find no fault in your piece. What's not to like? It seems to have the rhythmic elements down pat, along with discernible imagery and vibrant colloquialisms. (Maybe too high-falutin' terminology to describe a type of music created to be enjoyed, though some rap songs have significant social messages as well, as I understand.)

Auntie

PS Today, the lyrics to pop (non-rap) songs sound pretty vapid, even moronic. But I wouldn't say that songwriters are not necessarily poets, especially those who wrote lyrics decades before you (and even yours fooly) were born. The lyrics of Cole Porter, Ira Gershwin, and Johnny Mercer are just as "poetic" as some of our contemporary verse.

[Scheherazade]

~

W a r n i n g

Please do not personalise your arguments.

Those who persistently fail to show respect towards those whose opinions they disagree with will receive infraction points or ban from the website.

~

[Jassy Melson]

Is it showing disrespect when you read something that is bad and you state that's it bad?

[qimissung]

With anything a person says or writes, there is intent, either overt or covert, implied or stated. And there is tone. I find your remark "Rap is garbage" to be disrespectful because you don't qualify or soften it. It seems to me, therefore, that your intent is not merely to state your opinion-which you have already done-but to insult, because you keep arguing the point, the same point without giving any reasons or supporting evidence or acknowledging that even if you did, it's only your opinion. You may think that rap is garbage, but nowhere do you acknowledge Adolescent09's right to continue liking it and writing it, because, as it happens, he does like it and thinks it's a worthwhile medium. All of our opinions are subjective, Jassy, so, yes, what you've said and continue to insist upon does seem disrespectful, in fact it seems very disrespectful, if I may respectfully say so.

[cafolini]

Is it showing disrespect when you read something that is bad and you state that's it bad?

Of course it is showing disrespect. Where else are you going to show disrespect? LOL

[hillwalker]

With anything a person says or writes, there is intent, either overt or covert, implied or stated. And there is tone. I find your remark "Rap is garbage" to be disrespectful because you don't qualify or soften it. It seems to me, therefore, that your intent is not merely to state your opinion-which you have already done-but to insult, because you keep arguing the point, the same point without giving any reasons or supporting evidence or acknowledging that even if you did, it's only your opinion. You may think that rap is garbage, but nowhere do you acknowledge Adolescent09's right to continue liking it and writing it, because, as it happens, he does like it and thinks it's a worthwhile medium. All of our opinions are subjective, Jassy, so, yes, what you've said and continue to insist upon does seem disrespectful, in fact it seems very disrespectful, if I may respectfully say so.

Finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

H

[Jassy Melson]

And that's your opinion. I stated mine when I said that rap is garbage. I have as much right to my opinion as you do to yours.

[cacian]

And that's your opinion. I stated mine when I said that rap is garbage. I have as much right to my opinion as you do to yours.

Hi Jassy sometimes it is better not to say anything then say it is bad because then the person feels let down. I only say it is positive because I feel it deserves saying otherwise I would not comment in a negative way in case it upsets the author.
But yes you do have the right to an opinion like all of us have one. :)

[qimissung]

And that's your opinion. I stated mine when I said that rap is garbage. I have as much right to my opinion as you do to yours.

So you see, the moral of this story is to ignore those whose main desire is to willfully argue. If they have no one to argue with, what can they do? What power do they then have?

[tonywalt]

I do listen to hip-hop, but it's pretty gutsy to say you don't like it these days.

The popular music on this island is Soca (reggae a sort of distant second place). Although I loathe it but I always say(lie!) I like it to those otherwise there will be a very(!) emotive argument with undertones that have little to do with music.

[YesNo]

I looked up Soca on youtube. I can see it driving me up the wall if I had to listen to it day in and day out, but every now and then, it's fine.

One of my favorite singers is Melina Leon. Although she's from Puerto Rico and her style is merengue, from my perspective, it's all in the same general area as the Cayman Islands.

[Jassy Melson]

Huh?




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