My sin and sacredness

[osho]

I must admit that I am poor at grammar. All I am sure of his my theme. I hope my grammatical errors will not be the issue here to derail my place in poetry.
osho

Sin from your eyes
Sacred from my lens
Between God and Devil is hung my existence
I am a plant – beneath the surface I am in Hell
And above it I am in Heaven
When I kill a goat,
The slaying is Hell
When I savor it
The joy is Heaven
I close my eyes-and Hell veils everything
I open my eyes Hell hides and Heaven smiles in greeting
Shouting in anger Hell grips me in his power
Kissing you – Heaven descends on my life
Heaven and Hell live side by side
I am confused between the choices
They are there like two brothers
Playing hide and seek
They are like tears and laughters
Both are in effect turn into waters
Springing from the same fountain
And irrigates the hearts of millions
There is no sin and sacred
It is the alchemy of life that turns ashes into gold
And gold back into ashes

[cafolini]

Why would you have to admit what is obvious. But there are other problems hidden by that insignificant worry. Ask Cacian. LOL

[Grit]

Why would you have to admit what is obvious. But there are other problems hidden by that insignificant worry. Ask Cacian. LOL

There are other problems Osho, of an external nature. The quoted poster who uses capitalized "lol" as an exclamation point after their "witty" posts would be one. Your work is great when held up to the complete lack of work posted by the quoted.

I like the idea you're going for here. Poetry can be a fantastic avenue for self expression and I commend your courage for posting it on here. My advice to improve it would be two-fold, although I am hardly an expert. Firstly, count the syllables in each line. They should try to remain consistent, which will apply a rhythm to your words. Right now they vary, I think I counted 14, 13, 11.

The second piece of advice I have is to cut out unnecessary words. In poetry especially, a lot like screenwriting actually, you have fewer words to work with, so you want them to really count. I'd start by cutting out any unnecessary uses of "a" or "the".

I am sin from your eyes
now sacred from my lens

There would be a cleaned up example, obviously you'll want to do it yourself as I'm not sure what you'd want to cut and keep.

Best of luck Osho, and thanks for sharing.

[cacian]

Hi osho sacredness is a good word. I would personally use the word ''sacricy'' myself but that is only because there is a hint of herecy a/sacrifice within it. Sacricy being a triple worded meaning.
These lines I like best:

There is no sin and sacred
It is the alchemy of life that turns ashes into gold
And gold back into ashes

It plays on the notion of free will and disadvantage waste. Alchemy being an energy surrounded in mystery with a slight dash of chemistary is rather hinting.

[cafolini]

There are other problems Osho, of an external nature. The quoted poster who uses capitalized "lol" as an exclamation point after their "witty" posts would be one. Your work is great when held up to the complete lack of work posted by the quoted.

I like the idea you're going for here. Poetry can be a fantastic avenue for self expression and I commend your courage for posting it on here. My advice to improve it would be two-fold, although I am hardly an expert. Firstly, count the syllables in each line. They should try to remain consistent, which will apply a rhythm to your words. Right now they vary, I think I counted 14, 13, 11.

The second piece of advice I have is to cut out unnecessary words. In poetry especially, a lot like screenwriting actually, you have fewer words to work with, so you want them to really count. I'd start by cutting out any unnecessary uses of "a" or "the".

I am sin from your eyes
now sacred from my lens

There would be a cleaned up example, obviously you'll want to do it yourself as I'm not sure what you'd want to cut and keep.

Best of luck Osho, and thanks for sharing.

ROFLMAO!
You are ignorant. From my personal quotes here and in other boards, you have enough for a book by this old man. It's something to be expected from marketing desperados.
Your Canadian Grit bores me to death.

[Grit]

ROFLMAO!
You are ignorant. From my personal quotes here and in other boards, you have enough for a book by this old man. It's something to be expected from marketing desperados.
Your Canadian Grit bores me to death.

Posts on the internet.

Thinks it's a book.

Cool story, bro.

[osho]

I agree with all of you that I lack consistency and the reasons are first, English is my second language and the use of it is only on the Internet and secondly I never rewrite or edit my write-ups and now as I got a number of suggestions I will do the edit stuff. I write bilingually and I do publish my writing in Nepali and I believe in spontaneity and I feel what comes first from my heart must be put forth as they are - unedited and unchanged. That is why grammatical mistakes, the kind I could definitely rectify occurred aplenty in my writings. I am rather unfamiliar with the strange English idioms which have a number of readings for instance "iron out". I do not how this word came into use. I find such phrases too funny and I cannot make use of them in my writings and that is why my writings are likely to be poor.

[Charles Darnay]

The problem with your spontaneity (for me at least) is it takes a plethora of wonderful images and ideas and buries them in an excess of words and a lack of flow. Editing is not only to catch grammatical errors: it is a chance to scrutinize - to say, what is the best parts of this thing I have written and how can I strengthen those parts. Not everything you write will be perfect (this is just a universal truth) - and editing allows you to decide for yourself what you consider good. If you just accept everything you produce you will slip into a state of spewing forth pure (to put it nicely) inanity - or (to put it not nicely) bull****: and then you are just *insert poster's name here*.

[hillwalker]

I would personally use the word ''sacricy'' myself but that is only because there is a hint of herecy a/sacrifice within it. Sacricy being a triple worded meaning.

Is this gobbledegook really meant to help someone who admits they find it a challenge to write in English? :out:

Tactless and ill-informed advice of this kind is borderline sabotage.

H

[osho]

Everybody here seems tactful to teach me and I may owe all of them for their invaluable ideas and suggestions. I have no aim to master English and I cannot do it in my current circumstances. From cacain to hillwalker are geneses in terms of their wealth of knowledge, linguistic/ stylistic dexterity and ranges of knowledge they cash in on.

English is a medium, a means, not an end and I am writing in Nepali, and through English I can verse myself with world literature since few books are available in translations in Nepali.

I feel indebted to you for your advises, pedantic thoughts and scholastic eruditions.

[Delta40]

Is this gobbledegook really meant to help someone who admits they find it a challenge to write in English? :out:

Tactless and ill-informed advice of this kind is borderline sabotage.

H

I agree. It's unfair on others to introduce words with no meaning as if they actually existed.

What I septitate about cacian is that most of the time she paspatives and rumpitises and so what can you feltrac?

[Adolescent09]

Excuse me, everybody. *Gingerly, raises hand*

Am I the only one laughing my friggin' ape butt off at the hilarity of this thread!!?!?!

(I'm loving your Requiem for a Dream avatar, Grit)

[Delta40]

Excuse me, everybody. *Gingerly, raises hand*

Am I the only one laughing my friggin' ape butt off at the hilarity of this thread!!?!?!

Oh of course you are. The rest of us are evolving behind you...

[cafolini]

Is this gobbledegook really meant to help someone who admits they find it a challenge to write in English? :out:

Tactless and ill-informed advice of this kind is borderline sabotage.

H

It is not bordering sabotage. It is that. It's old hat. But it must be said explicitly like you did. Good point.

[Charles Darnay]

Oh of course you are. The rest of us are evolving behind you...

I've grown quite fond of my ape butt. Provides a good sit now and then