Need an opinion on this

[Writing Penguin]

Well, since I've gotten the brilliant idea of wanting to become more literary, I decided to try writing a bit. I rarely get the time to write, since I rarely get any time to focus (sharing a room with several others), though I managed to grab hold of some time I had to write a short part of a longer story. The story is short at the moment, since it's only a Word-page long, and has no actual ending. I have a great wanting to improve my writing, and therefore need some opinions from experienced third parties (experienced is just a preference, not a requirement) as to how my writing is. I don't think it wouldn't take too long to read through this, so I wish for some kind soul with a few minutes to spare to tell me if they find any minor or major flaws in my writing. Even if it's just that I mispelled a word, anybody who feels like ranting about how terrible my writing is, are highly welcome to do just that, since my foremost goal is to improve my literary capabilites.

Basically I want someone to tell me I suck at writing, and why I suck at it. The story follows:






School of the dead


The morbid smell of putrid corpses engulfed the deep halls of the fleshworks. A collection of apprentice necromancers watched with deep interest as the fleshmeister stitched together the flesh of several beings that had been alive as the class started. Squirrel, rat and cat corpses lay in a pile in front of him.

The fleshmeister spoke, in a voice that was highly suited for his old, boney body. ''Be careful not to break the old tendons unless you plan on replacing them''. His skin was full of stitches, pale as that of a corpse's and his eyes appeared blind. If Eve hadn't known better, she'd mistaken him for a campus ghoul that had stolen a necromancers robe.

''Before applying a spark of life, make sure all major blood vessels and nerves are properly connected'' the fleshmaster instructed. He studied the creature for a bit before he moved over to a bronze-colored apparatus, flipping a switch on its back. It began whirring, whilst slowly increasing its pitch. The fleshmaster grabbed a cabled rod with a rubber handle, hanging on the side of the apparatus and moved back to his creation.

Whirring noises surrounding the room, the fleshmeister spoke louder. ''Remember this method of resurrection should only be applied to simple beings that can be controlled easily with a Fleimerbach incantation, or similar''. He began chanting, first low, then increasingly louder: ''Nekrum poros sate imido nat vecine...''

The fleshmeister touched the head of his creation with the rod, still chanting. It began wailing and twitching, its limbs moving in an unnatural manner. He moved the rod away in a large motion, and raised his arm before striking the wailing creature with an open palm. ''MURI ET VORUM!'' he shouted, and the being ceased wailing and struggling. The fleshmeister put the rod back in its holster and shut off the machine.

He walked back to the creature. ''I, Agharon of the Readrin cast, command you to rise'' he said. The creature obeyed. ''I am your creator and master, and thus you should pay heed to my orders. If this is understood, raise your head... Any head''. After it had done so, he instructed it in the basic rules of necromancer-minion relationship. He turned to the students. ''Always make sure your creations are aware of these rules. Despite creating a new creature, you have used old parts, that may or may not act based on the memories of its previous life or lives, and thus may neglect to follow your orders for some random reason.''

The fleshmeister commanded the creature to clean up the mess that was caused under its creation. It just stared at him, barely moving. ''I commanded you to... Oh wait, right, you need a name''.

Eve smirked a bit. An educated necromancer had forgotten to name his creature. ''Well I had a cat named Franz a few ages ago, and since you're mostly cat, I guess you could be Franz as well. Now clean up here''. Franz nodded, before grabbing a few carcasses with its mouths and leaping off the desk. It threw them in the various incinerator and recycling piles around the room.

''Homework for next lesson will be page 457-468 regarding necrosis, in your resurrection text books. Class dismissed''

[hillwalker]

Well, it's not exactly easy reading is it?

There's so much to take in for the reader here - too much in such a short piece in my opinion. Normally in a story or a novel we are drip fed information as the setting and characters are introduced - bit by bit until we are able to picture what's happening.

In your case you've dumped everything onto the opening page and left us to it. We can figure out that the 'fleshworks' is where student necromancers are being taught to knit together dead body parts to make a new entity - though patching together cadavers to make a monster seems rather a gruesome occupation. So I'm not sure who you expect to read this stuff.

Then you introduce a campus ghoul and a robe - and a Fleimerbach incantation. And the mumbo-jumbo being spoken makes it difficult to follow. It doesn't make this any more intriguing I'm afraid.

My immediate impression is that it was written in a rush - an idea came to you for a 'Harry Potter' rip-off and you scribbled it down off the cuff. The problem is, if it becomes any more graphic it will hardly be appropriate for children. And a story set in a school/college is hardly to appeal to adult readers.

Overall you've got some vaguely interesting ideas but the end result is rather threadbare. So far it's an account of a single lesson rather than a story. I'm not seeing the bigger picture.

H

[Shaman_Raman]

There is an over abundance of content here, I'll agree. I give you kudos on the opening line though, it definitely captured my attention in "what the hell is this about?" Sort of sense. As for the dialogue, I'd recommend adding more from the students of the necrosis class. Most readers don't know a lot about Necromancy (can't really say I do anyway), so we need questions asked from an ignorant view on the subject, so then the teacher/master can explain both to the students, and the reader.

I wouldn't say your idea is bad though. Considering there was a four book series on the love triangle of a vampire, werewolf, and human that sold to millions, paranormal is okay. But there needs to be some sort of human interest tied to it, such as with Twilight or Harry Potter. I'm not saying make it a love story, but make it relatable.

Overall, your pretty creative. Keep on practicing with your writing when you can!

[Writing Penguin]

Thank you for the ''hate'', it was rather lovely to see the all the feedback after less than a day.

H, the issue regarding who will read this also struck me, but your two categories are neither of what I'm aiming for. My target group is the teenager/young adults group that are into mystical or morbid things, which in my experience is actually a rather book-reading group of people.

But I will pay heed to the content-heaviness from both you and Shaman_Raman, I read through one of Hemingway's books, and I found it akin to drinking unwatered juice (of the kind you usually mix with water (I can't see why english doesn't have a separate word for this, most languages I know separate between the types of juice (sorry for out of context and the many parantheses))), which wasn't a very nice experience to me. I certainly don't want to give other people that feel, especially if it's meant to be entertaining.

As for the ''Harry Potter rip-off'' accuse, no I didn't attempt to rip it off, it didn't cross my mind until well after I had begun writing that it was similar, though I will admit it might seem like it.

Also, Shaman_Raman, I do agree that some more relatability is needed, though I planned on doing that a bit later, in the form of a perspective swap (which seems to become increasingly popular in literature these days)

But once again, excellent ''hate'', I like the critique, though a part inside of me can't help but feel accused and try defend against it. Thank you very much for taking the time to do so.

[Varenne Rodin]

It's really fun, actually, but you need to simplify. Your writing is buried in words. At the beginning, "The morbid smell of putrid corpses engulfed the deep halls of the fleshworks," could be, "The morbid smell of corpses engulfed the halls of the fleshworks," or, "The smell of putrid corpses engulfed the halls of the fleshworks." Morbid and putrid make the sentence seem redundant. Halls don't generally need to be called "deep." You can call them that if you want, but I think it's already implied. If you're going for a descriptive style of writing, this is super good. Lots of writers do well with heavy prose, but I like lighter. So light that my favorite author is Stephen King. I think you have a spark. Sometimes simple statements get your points across better. Keep at it. Practice makes better. :D

[Calidore]

Also, Shaman_Raman, I do agree that some more relatability is needed, though I planned on doing that a bit later, in the form of a perspective swap (which seems to become increasingly popular in literature these days)

But once again, excellent ''hate'', I like the critique, though a part inside of me can't help but feel accused and try defend against it. Thank you very much for taking the time to do so.

My suggestion: You want to involve the reader sooner rather than later, because otherwise they may drop the story before later arrives; so move the relatability up to sooner.

Inconsistency question: The fleshmeister is a fleshmeister everywhere except paragraph 3, where he's a fleshmaster (twice). (I actually like "fleshmaster" better myself, but "Franz" suggests you're going for a Germanic feel, so if that's the case, never mind.)

Also, a critic constructively pointing out an aspect they feel could be improved in a work isn't "hate", and labeling it so, especially in quotes, comes off as a passive-aggressive dismissal of the critique you solicited. Take it for what it is--people giving part of their their time to help you out.

[cafolini]

Sounds like an essay by Kirchner about emperors. LOL

[Writing Penguin]

Calidore, I labeled ''hate'' in quotes, in an attempt to create a sense of irony. It was meant as a play on the act of criticism, but if it didn't come out that way, I guess I made a blunder. Dismissing my beloved critique was never the intention. As for the inconsistensy, that was also a blunder. I originally had ''fleshmaster'' throughout the entire text, though decided to name it differently, but evidently I couldn't find all instances of the word, so I didn't manage to swap them all out.

As for the reader involvement, I'll take to heart the early involvement. I guess If I'd written the story in light of that, I would've begun the story outside of the campus.