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Hawkman
03-20-2013, 07:07 AM
The wind is cooling
after the exertion of the climb,
each upward step
fuelled by overtaxed
and burning lungs.

Rest, stand in sunshine;
hear the swallows
rip through thinning air to buzz your head,
the sound like tearing silk,
then turn, and look at Africa below.

This is where the limestone pushes up,
breaking through the velvet dermis
of alpine grass.

To the left, like a row of severed feet,
the Twelve Apostles plough the earth
in titanic furrows, their toes reaching
ever downwards to the valley floor.

Look up, see the clouds, ephemeral as thought,
floating almost within reach,
casting their patchy shadows
over all the world.
Above is an eternity of blue.

Look down, where, around your feet,
colonies of tiny flowers
huddle amidst the fractured stones,
clinging onto life on high
with shallow roots.

To the right, the Drakensberg extend,
overshadowing the receding plain
to merge with the horizon in a purple haze.
A Rock Kestrel alights with momentary grace
in pursuit of prey
and you watch it for a while,
until time, in this timeless place,
beckons you away.

Delta40
03-20-2013, 01:53 PM
First of all I don't think look left, look right etc works. It's too instructive as well as a reminder on how to cross the road.
S3/L3 is odd because I read thinning hair on account of the buzz to he head.

Other than that I love the expressiveness in your writing but given the topic, the parts which remind me of directions don't help it

cafolini
03-20-2013, 02:24 PM
I think it is very descriptive and little instructive. Fine piece.

AuntShecky
03-20-2013, 05:56 PM
Yeah, I can see how the use of the second person makes the narrator sound like a travel guide. The piece however presents an evocative word picture of Africa, the first of many on that topic which I hope will be forthcoming. Thank you, Hawk.

Hawkman
03-21-2013, 05:44 AM
Hello Delta, and thanks for reading. So you don't like the directions - Oh dear :D As for thinning air, it might help if you read more slowly ;) My hair might be thinning, but not so you'd notice, despite my advanced age! At 10,000 feet (the highest I've been with my feet still on the ground) the air is noticably thinner. I could manage a downhill or level trek, but even on the slightest upward incline I just couldn't get any air into my lungs.

But back to the directions. I concede that the poem would still work with some of them removed, but not all. Your analogy to crossing the road is interesting because the location feels like a nexus, a crossroads. It was something I was trying to convey stylistically, without spelling it out. For me, the directions function to map coordinates in a three dimentional space. Without them it would just be a jumble of impressions. Sorry you don't like it though. For me there isn't a problem with the syle of the piece, rather in the verse order. S1 is in the wrong place. It should be S3 so I've moved it.

cafolini: Thanks for reading and enjoying.

Auntie: thanks to you too. As for the travelogue, please see the above exposition for Delta. Anyway, I'm glad you found the piece evocative and you're welcome.

Live and be well - H