Images of Song & The World; Silenced

[Revolte]

**I'm a little nervous posting here again after how I left, but, I'm doing it anyway**


Images of Song


Unconcealed skin twirls
through ripples of sound as piano keys
and copper strings lay lines in fictitious visions,
and fornicate in my chest
scraping and screaming through energies
coupled with nerves and forming song.

“Thump,
Thump...

Hear the music play,
watch the sky-lights fall,
inhale the moon in a single breath and become notes,
silhouettes,
images,
ideas,
perils,
mischief...

Life.”




The World; Silenced



The walls are sweating blood
and I can smell the fear in their paint
dripping the essence of regrets.

The ceiling undresses
and displays the blackness
with its now starless shell.

The floor inverts and oozes
then pulls me into itself,
consuming and choking on my sickness.

The world; silenced.

And I hear every hidden whimper,
every death,
every pseudo-birth,
every damned crackle of white-noise and...

I can not rest.

I can not breathe.

The world; silenced
is violent.

[Delta40]

I like the first poem particularly because of the rich imagery in the 1st stanza. There is little in the 2nd so I would suggest deleting it as as this could stand alone ending with the thump, thump. Remove 'and' in lines 4 & 5 to give it more force.

[Hawkman]

Why is the skin "unconcealed" and how exactly, does it twirl? I assume you are trying to convey the concept of dance. If so it's rather tortuously done. Overall I feel the angst is laid on with a trowel. You might consider scraping some of it away. Less is more and all that.

In the second poem this is just as necessary. You could easily lose the lines delimited with em dashes as it would greatly improve the flow and create more impressionistic imagery. You should also dispense with the parenthesis around now. You don't need to spell everything out, leave room for the reader to imagine. S5 is again hampered by being over-worked. I really don't like the idea of hearing "every aggression" just leave it out. S7 adds nothing to the piece and should be cut. Thus trimmed it will be a nice tight little poem.

Nice to see you around, Revolte.

Live and be well - H

[Revolte]

It's unconcealed because it is bare.

As for the twirl, you'd have to see it through my eyes. I see things in my head when I dance, like rays of light and everything is alive, every little part of everything is alive and in motion.



As for the second piece, noted*. I don't have any idea what I was doing with it, it kept wanting to go and go and none of it was working out so I let it be something because it wanted to so bad. I'll make the suggested changes.


*changed made, how do you like it now?

@Delta/Hawk: I'm not sure if I really want to make the changes to the first poem. I did it and then just didn't like it at all. So I think I'm going to maybe let it be, unless I change my mind later.

[Hawkman]

Works for me :)

Live and be well- H

[Revolte]

Works for me :)

Live and be well- H


Sweeeng-set. Good enough is good enough for me Aye Tee Emm.