My first poem

[Ughek]

This is my first poem. I kind of like it, but I'd like to know what people who've actually read poetry think. So please, share your opinion with me. I think it's probably not so original and a bit incoherent. I'm not sure if that's the right word. I mean, it doesn't seem like a whole to me. There's not much that holds it together, if you know what I mean?

I’ve never walked again
as I’ve walked before
I saw underneath my feet
the mud the dead and my brothers’ defeat
I pressed to the ground my ear
to hear that which does not speak
I tore away my face
when the sound and the smell became too great
I left a tear
as if to share in their fate
or to cleanse the earth a bit
I walked away
but the mud, death and smell
will always stick
to my face, my ear and feet.

[Delta40]

Change I've to I in L1 & L2. Fix L4 with punctuation. You're formatting the poem so you don't have to use it but this line doesn't work without it.

Not bad for a first poem. Keep posting!

[Evan Shaw]

I think this poem shows much promise, encourage you to continue stringing words. Write what you wish was written. forty

[Ughek]

Thanks for the feedback, guys. I truly appreciate it. My inspiration seems gone for the moment but every now and then I'll jot something down. Maybe one day there will be something half decent among my scribbles. I do have powerful imagery in my head, but it's difficult to convert these vague notions into writing. Anyway, thanks again.

[neilgee]

Great first poem. On first reading I'm struck by the way the first 3 lines lead up to and into line 4, then again with the next 3 lines into line 8, it's fluent, but must admit to being a little disappointed at the way the ending just reiterates what you've already implied in the opening lines. That may be unfair as it is the main point of the poem, but that's how it reads to me.