A Little Bit Of Humour # 9

[Biggus]

THIS TALK OF CULLING BADGERS

This talk of culling badgers
Is completely unsound
If we keep discussing it
We’ll drive them underground

THERE’S AN ARMY SURPLUS STORE ACROSS THE STREET

There’s an Army surplus store across the street
That only sells camouflage gear as far as I can see
I don’t know how well the business is doing
But it seems a bit of a niche market to me
And I watched loads of people go in the shop
But coming out I could only count about three

SON OF THE SOIL

I found the top soil two inches deeper
When I went to my allotment on Monday
I found the top soil two inches deeper
When I went to the allotment on Tuesday
The next day as I approached my plot
My poor old heart beat quickens
So when the top soil was two inches deeper
I could only say “The plot thickens”

TRANSFER SURPRISE

I was surprised Mario Balotelli left City
Though it was surrounded in farce
I would have thought it more likely
That he’d disappear up his own arse

I'LL TAKE THE RED ONE

Bimbette asked in a sex shop
“I want to buy a new vibrator”
The assistant said “just choose
From that display by the door
"I'll take the red one" She said
To the man behind the counter
He replied with a deep sigh
"That's a fire extinguisher"

ARE YOU WEARING A PUZZLED EXPRESSION?

Are you wearing a puzzled expression?
You must really think I have some gall
But if it wasn’t for pickpockets like me
You'd have no hint of a sex life at all

ARE YOU WEARING A PUSH UP BRA?

Are you wearing a push up bra?
Well I think you’ve pushed them up too far
I’m not sure where they should begin
But they shouldn’t be under your chin

I'VE JUST HAD A LETTER FROM A SOLICITOR

I've just had a letter from a solicitor
To “once and for all” inform me
That contrary to what I might believe
Screwfix are not a dating agency