Private Eye, first person story. Help me out here!

[Pendragon]

The sun bled through the thin fabric of the sky in a manner that suggested the wound was fatal. The clock on the wall clicked away like a deathwatch beetle in the wall. I sat staring at my silent telephone, ennui already causing bags under my eyes that needed a porter to carry them.

I slid open the globe on my desk and extracted two items. One was a Berreta 9mm, always locked and loaded. The other was a bottle of tequila, and with any luck, it would get me loaded. I’m Nathaniel Dark. I’m a Private Eye. It says so on my door.

Miss Marple, my young, blonde secretary buzzed the intercom. “Nate you have a visitor. You want I should send her in?”

“No,” I said sarcastically, “I’m overrun with business. Of course send her in!”

The woman was probably fifty, still beautiful as a finely molded statue of Venus. She was rather old-fashionably dressed. She extended a hand, which I kissed. Hey, I can be old fashioned too, and her appearance shouted money like an overzealous news boy.

“Mr. Dark, I am Irene Adler.”

"I thought you married that dude, Geoffrey Norton."

She frowned. "He's been murdered. Sherlock is unavailable at the moment or I wouldn't be wasting my time on a two-bit, fee plus expenses amateur dick in a musty old office on a back street here in New York."

Author's note: Think Manhattan, perhaps 1940. In writing this, feel free to add any any characters you wish. What I envision is a murder mystery, with a horde of suspects and every fiction detective you care to add.

[jayat]

-The story is short. “Hurray”.

- Gets no impact. No impact, no conflict, no grasping changes, no literature. Without tension or smart movements of sequences you get no literature, just flat, boring descriptions replaceable by a simple photo. What’s more, I coincide with those who say typical intros make readers avoid reading your story. Everything is so typical.

-Why don’t you began “in medias res”? Put Nate in the middle of a shooting or something which implies adrenaline. Afterwards come to tell us who he was using the same humor. In two lines though. I don’t want to be his friend. I want him to “keep me reading” the story, your story.

-Pay attention at the fact that if your character drinks he would find harder run against the murderers and thieves. Want you be realistic? You should. That is not a tale of dragons and superpowers. I would give you a piece of advised: forget the films and series which need to show machos to sell bad stuff for brainless people and build your own character away from stereotypes. That would be a good contribution to this field. “Begin with an individual and you will get a type, begin with a type and you get…nothing”.- Scott Fitzgerald.

Style: 1. “that suggested the wound was fatal”, too much affected, makes no sense. 2 It doesn’t convinced me “still beautiful as a finely molded statue of Venus”. Coloured typical and topical.

I don't need to read your story to have this stuff. I play some cheap, papier mâché film on-line about the matter, e.g. "gangsters squad". Rubbish (the film adaptated, not the novel). Read James Ellroy: L.A. Confidential, Black Dahlia, America,....

[Grit]

This is an interesting story. I enjoyed reading it and there's some clever lines in there.

My favourites were


I sat staring at my silent telephone, ennui already causing bags under my eyes that needed a porter to carry them

Although I must admit I don't know what ennui is I still understood it in context. The porter line gave me a chuckle.


One was a Berreta 9mm, always locked and loaded. The other was a bottle of tequila, and with any luck, it would get me loaded. I’m Nathaniel Dark. I’m a Private Eye. It says so on my door.

This one's good too, I liked the tequila and loaded line.

Now for an overall look.

It seemed to me that this is almost a poking-fun of the hard-boiled detective story. Feels like you're mocking the stereotypes of the genre. Nathaniel Dark is a fitting name for a MC in a story that doesn't take itself too seriously. Miss Marple for a secretary won't be lost on fans of Christie either.

Having the MC say dude threw me off because it seemed out of place. Take the parody of mystery further.

If you can keep that in mind and have fun with it, you could write a funny-yet-serious mystery that is vocal about it's genre and yet is firmly planted within it as well.

[hillwalker]

Paragraph 1 is scene-setting - but nowhere near enough to grab most readers' attentions (regardless of the clever lines). You're describing a feeling of boredom - and by association making the plot boring for the reader.

I accept you're aiming for a pulp fiction style and this gets a little better in paragraph 2. But there has to be some tension to make us want to keep reading. Why does he need the gun? Why does he need to get drunk? Unless you tell us there's not much point mentioning either.

Miss Marple is presumably intended to be an amusing contrast to the Agatha Christie heroine - but I'm not sure why you decided to do that.

“No,” I said sarcastically, “I’m overrun with business. Of course send her in!”
It's not good to tell us how anyone says something - it's up to you to choose the right lines of dialogue so they imply the way they were spoken. That's how 'show don't tell' is meant to work.

The next paragraph where you describe the client is over-cooked - I think you're trying too hard to be smart and it doesn't work. It swamps the plot. The lady's attractive but like everyone else so far she's just a stereo-type. You need to cut to the chase.

The dialogue that follows doesn't ring true either - and bringing in Sherlock Holmes. . . then inviting us to add our own favourite investigator. I'm thinking 'too many cooks' - this is heading nowhere I'm afraid.

H

[F.E. Michael]

I. Love. This. Idea. But I do not like the droning tone and overworked attempt to make the dialog sound 40's noire. Vary your descriptions and be judicious with dated dialog. I am unsure if a woman would say "you want I should", seems more masculine. The beginning did not match the ending. I loved alot of the tone of the start, but instead of backing off to let the story begin, you kept up the schtick.

Do yourself a favor, ignore the idea to start out in medias res, this story won't lend well to the daydreaming, flashbacks, or history lessons you would need to add to create backstory. To develop a mystery is already a challenge, the reader won't want to develop two mental images and still hold on to your plot. A-Z is fine, just be more exciting. Watch those adverbs.

[cafolini]

The clock on the wall clicked away like a deathwatch beetlel. I sat staring at my telephone. I felt ennui was causing bags under my eyebrows.

I opened the globe on my desk and extracted a Berreta 9mm and a bottle of tequila to get loaded.
I’m Nathaniel Dark. I’m a Private Eye. It says so on my door.

Miss Marple, my secretary buzzed the intercom.
“Nate you have a visitor. Shall I send her in?”

“No, I’m overrun with business. Of course send her in!”

The woman was probably fifty. She was old-fashionably dressed. She extended a hand, which I kissed. Her appearance shouted money from many angles.

“Mr. Dark, I am Irene Adler.”

"I thought you married Geoffrey Norton. Are you the same person?"

She frowned.
"He's been murdered and I couldn't find a Sherlock, or I wouldn't be wasting my time on a fee-plus-expenses amateur on a back street of New York."
...

I think I made it more palatable for starters by cutting unnecessary stuff. Hope you agree. The story has a lot of potential.
I like the gender.
Watch for things like "I said sarcastically." The dialogue implies it. You don't need to underestimate the reader's ability to grasp it.

[jayat]

This is an interesting story. I enjoyed reading it and there's some clever lines in there.

My favourites were


Although I must admit I don't know what ennui is I still understood it in context. The porter line gave me a chuckle.



This one's good too, I liked the tequila and loaded line.

Now for an overall look.

It seemed to me that this is almost a poking-fun of the hard-boiled detective story. Feels like you're mocking the stereotypes of the genre. Nathaniel Dark is a fitting name for a MC in a story that doesn't take itself too seriously. Miss Marple for a secretary won't be lost on fans of Christie either.

Having the MC say dude threw me off because it seemed out of place. Take the parody of mystery further.

If you can keep that in mind and have fun with it, you could write a funny-yet-serious mystery that is vocal about it's genre and yet is firmly planted within it as well.

ennui is more than boredom, tedium, what some kind of trival african people feel day to day. No jokes on this matter, is true. Is a disgusting feeling of total vacuum inside oneself.

[Pendragon]

Ah, well, close sesame. All of you missed the point which was to not critique the story but add to it along the same line, as Sacho and myself did on "It was a dark and stormy night." It's right there in the footnote for God's sake! Sheesh!

That said, I want the noir detective stuff, it's pure pulp fiction which I read and write.

Old radio shows, pulp magazines, old movies will tell you that women with heavy Brooklyn or Bronx accents use wording like I have. Hell, Cyndi Lauper talks like this. Just wanted a little more crazy fun. My fault, I probably should have PMed Sacho.

Oh, well, I tried.

Close thread, do not pass go, do not collect $200.. Sigh... :crash::mad2::frown2:

[hillwalker]

So why didn't you make it clearer that this was another 'Game' rather than a request for serious feedback (which is what most of us come on here for)? You're the one who wrote 'help me out here. . .'

H

[jayat]

I. Love. This. Idea. But I do not like the droning tone and overworked attempt to make the dialog sound 40's noire. Vary your descriptions and be judicious with dated dialog. I am unsure if a woman would say "you want I should", seems more masculine. The beginning did not match the ending. I loved alot of the tone of the start, but instead of backing off to let the story begin, you kept up the schtick.

Do yourself a favor, ignore the idea to start out in medias res, this story won't lend well to the daydreaming, flashbacks, or history lessons you would need to add to create backstory. To develop a mystery is already a challenge, the reader won't want to develop two mental images and still hold on to your plot. A-Z is fine, just be more exciting. Watch those adverbs.

All the machos films/novels/screenplays from Lethal Weapon to Gangsters Squad (most of the Raymond Chandler’s detective novels too) start in medias res. I don’t know before the former film but it wouldn’t surprise me. It’s just a resource, and nothing else, to grasp watcher’s/reader’s attention immediately. Information about the prota comes while he reports how he captured the thieve/murderer/rapist to the other astonished cops and to his satisfied head chief (among some applauds, maybe). And this information is given by the characters in his dialogues/reactions, showing it, not by the narrators telling, which is like falling into the hell of Writing from Post-Romantic times.

Keep trying. Money should be the last thing Private Eye would have to be thinking about.

[Pendragon]

So why didn't you make it clearer that this was another 'Game' rather than a request for serious feedback (which is what most of us come on here for)? You're the one who wrote 'help me out here. . .'

H

Ah, Hillwalker, we usually get along fine so I cannot be harsh with you. I thought I had made it plain, but maybe not. I am reminded of a test a teacher once gve us in the fifth grade, I think. She had been harping on reading the instructions for weeks. We received our tests, took them, and turned them in. Only three people in a class of twenty-four passed. I wasn't one of them, but I learned a valuable lesson. It was because the instructions clearly said "Do only problems 1-5. Any others will be marked wrong even if the answer is right."

God Bless, Hillwalker

Pen

[hillwalker]

Ah, Pen,

I hope we always get on.

Author's note: Think Manhattan, perhaps 1940. In writing this, feel free to add any characters you wish. What I envision is a murder mystery, with a horde of suspects and every fiction detective you care to add.

Maybe you forgot to insert the 'instruction' 'Do not offer feedback as it will be automatically overlooked and the poster will be chastised for their failure to read the instructions properly'

:goof:

H

[Pendragon]

Ah, Pen,

I hope we always get on.

Author's note: Think Manhattan, perhaps 1940. In writing this, feel free to add any characters you wish. What I envision is a murder mystery, with a horde of suspects and every fiction detective you care to add.

Maybe you forgot to insert the 'instruction' 'Do not offer feedback as it will be automatically overlooked and the poster will be chastised for their failure to read the instructions properly'

:goof:

H
Touché, mon ami!

Pen

[Sancho]

Yeah, Pen. I seen what you was doing there, see? Knew it were a fine idea, see? Figured it for serial story, the likes of which we ain't seen since the demise of the great Mickey Spillane, see? Was just dustin' off my fedora and oilin' up my heater when these goons rolled in on ya, see?

Ah well, maybe another time. Sounds like fun. I was distracted on another thread. I'm in a spot right now where I can only follow one or two threads at a time. Should've found this one earlier, it'd'a been more fun than one I was on, see?

Cheers!