Luke Kondor
03-01-2013, 07:02 PM
Hey hey guys. Hope you're all well. So this latest story started out as a tongue-in-cheek autobiography, but quickly became something else entirely lol.
Something that I'd like critique on especially, is the way I'm using speech tags. And also, if this story makes sense at all.
Anyway here it is.
His Dirty Little Portal
On L’s 25th birthday his girlfriend, C, woke up earlier than usual. She snuck downstairs, boiled the kettle, and made a cup of tea. She then walked back upstairs, sat next to L, and kissed him on the forehead.
‘Happy Birthday,’ she said, handing him the tea as he woke.
‘You made tea,’ he said, rubbing his eyes, ‘thank you very much.’ He didn’t smile. No body ever did in this universe, because this universe was unlike our own. Here the Earth spun 0.0001% quicker, and backwards. This had an adverse effect on the emotional responses of its inhabitants. No matter how good something was, they’re happiness was capped at mild-amusement. Worse than that, the word ‘love’ didn’t exist, and neither did the concept. People found life-partners, but only because it was considered a responsible thing to do and single people were thought of as silly.
L climbed out of bed and turned the computer on. His tea was perfect; it was hot, brewed beautifully, and had just the right amount of milk. He sipped from it and sat quietly. Once the computer had booted he checked his e-mails, and read status updates from his friends. He sat back in the chair and thought about what would happen if he simply didn’t go to work, and disappeared. Who would miss him? Who would care? And why the hell didn’t he book his birthday off?
As he gulped down the rest of his tea he saw a reflection in the bottom of the mug. It was himself, sort of. It wasn’t accurate though, it was a top-down view of himself drinking tea, sat at the computer. It wasn’t a reflection at all, it was a tiny portal into a different dimension. He was looking at an alternative version of himself.
Tiny portals to other dimensions were relatively common in this universe. People found them popping up everywhere. Mrs Turner from Hereford found one in the left eye of her husband, and Mr Taylor from Fife found one in a hole in one of his socks, and Mr and Mrs Ford, from Mansfield, found a particularly disturbing one on the backside of their tabby cat, Martha. At one point discovering a portal would have you got on the front page of a local newspaper, but it was so common now it was only worth a quick text to a close relative.
L looked at this parallel version of himself - this Other-Him. He’d never seen the top of his head from this angle, and subsequently thought about wearing a hat more often. The Other-L was like him in almost every way, but there was one major difference, the Other-L was smiling.
...
‘Happy birthday,’ said Matt and Mark in unison. Matt placed a candle-less chocolate cake on the counter, and Mark put three plates and a knife down next to it.
‘Why am I not happy?’ L said.
‘You’re as happy as you can be, in this world,’ said Mark, scratching the back of his bald head.
All three of them had been working in this shop, selling computers for two years. They told each other it was a simple stop-gap, something to pay off their overdrafts and student bills, before they get out into the ‘real world’ and started doing ‘real work’.
‘You know what you’re problem is,’ Matt said, eyebrow raised. ‘to you, the grass is always greener on the other side.’ Mark nodded along.
‘Yeh ... maybe,’ L sighed and looked up. Matt cut three pieces from the cake and placed them onto the plates. He handed L and Mark a plate each.
‘Would you like me to sing you a song?’ Matt said.
‘No that’s okay,’ L said as he bit into the cake, which, although looked moist and chocolatey, was actually bland and dry.
...
When L got home C was in her dressing gown, watching TV. She was a bartender and worked late nights, so the daytime was her time to relax. He sat down on the sofa next to her and kissed her on the cheek.
‘Hey cutie,’ she said. Her eyes still fixed to the TV.
‘Hey,’ he said, ‘So I found a portal in one of our mugs.’
‘Oh.’ she turned the TV off and looked at L. ‘Show me.’
L placed the mug on the kitchen counter, and they both stood above it, looking down into the other universe.
‘Can they see us?’ she said.
‘I don’t know, I don’t think so,’ he said. C tightened her dressing gown anyway.
They looked down into the other dimension and saw themselves, sat on the sofa. Other-L had his arm around Other-C and they were snuggled into each other, smiling and laughing at the TV.
‘****,’ C said, ‘they’re really good together.’
‘They’re just us really, just different.’ L stood up straight. He put his hand on C’s shoulder. ‘We’re good too.’ C’s face crinkled, her nostrils flared, and her mouth opened and closed. ‘Are you okay?’ L said.
‘I’m trying to smile,’ she said. She began making a strange hiccuping noise.
‘Are you trying to laugh?’ L said. She nodded. Although people couldn’t laugh or smile here, they could definitely cry, and she headed upstairs to do just that, pulling L’s hand away as she went. L picked up the mug and looked down at the sweet couple.
...
L found himself increasingly obsessed with the tiny portal in the mug. He began taking it everywhere with him, and he’d do nothing else but peer down into it. At work he would hide it behind the counter; between customers he would bob down and take sneaky peeks. At night, he would hide it under his bed so when C was asleep he could reach under and look into it. The one time she caught him she sat upright in the bed and told him he was obsessed, and called it his 'dirty little portal.' After that argument L took his mug downstairs and started sleeping on the sofa.
...
L had his suspicions that C was going to leave him, and she did, but slowly. Every time he got home from work, something else of hers was gone. In the first week she’d snuck out all of her makeup, toiletries, and cutlery. By the second week she’d taken her shoes, pillows, and the duvet. By the third, she’d removed all of her clothes, some of his, and the computer.
L hadn’t realised how little he owned until now. The house seemed sad and empty and blank.
On the day C left, he came home to see her standing in the kitchen, wearing the last of her clothes.
‘I’m going in a minute,’ she said, ‘I’m just waiting for the taxi.’
‘Okay, I’ll wait with you,’ he said.
They stood in silence for twenty minutes before the taxi arrived. L tried to make conversation but couldn’t think of anything to say. The driver honked three times, and C headed for the door. After she’d gone he stood and listened to the taxi drive off.
He took the mug upstairs and into the bedroom, which now contained only a bed. He sat down on it and looked into the mug. Other-L was on the bed with Other-C. They were wrestling, tickling, and growling.
L sat at the top of the bed with his back pressed against the wall. Tears streamed down his face and dripped off the end of his chin. He took a deep breath. He wiped his eyes, and looked back into the mug.
The blissful couple had stopped wrestling, and were pointing up to the ceiling. They were distressed. Other-C left the room and returned with a large pan. She placed it on the bed. Curious, L placed his ear to the mug.
Their voices were muffled by the inter-dimensional travel, but he could pick out odd words, like landlord, wet, and leak. L wiped his eyes.
...
The next night L went to the corner shop and bought a pack of cigarettes, a bottle of wine, and some scented candles. He lit the candles with the stove, and he lit a cigarette with one of the candles. By the time he’d finished the bottle he’d realised that one bottle of red wine wasn’t enough, so he went back to corner shop and bought two more.
After the two and half bottles of wine, and nine cigarettes, he grabbed the mug. Other-L was alone, asleep in bed. Other-C had gone to work. He carefully pushed his hand into the mug. The portal was cold against his fingertips. It pulled at him, like a hoover pressed against skin. He pulled his hand out and checked his fingers were still there.
He placed the mug on the floor in front of him. He pressed his palms together, and pushed them finger first into the mug, like he was diving into it. He pushed down until he was elbow deep. He took a deep breath and leaned forward. The portal sucked him down and he could feel his body squash and change shape.
...
Before he’d opened his eyes, or even taken a breath he could hear the screaming. Other-L was stood in front of the bed, horrified by what he saw. L slowly got to his feet, and Other-L cowered backwards further onto the bed.
‘It’s warmer here,’ L said, but Other-L was still screaming, bundling the blanket up beneath him. L thought about the neighbours, and how in his dimension they were over-sensitive to noise.
‘Shut the **** up,’ he whispered. He punched Other-L square in the jaw twice. It forced his head backwards, hitting the wall behind him. The screaming became a squeal. ‘Shut up,’ L said. Other-L’s pupils disappeared and he was writhing around on the bed. L jumped onto the bed and forced a pillow down onto his face, muffling the scream. L held it there until sweat dripped from his nose, and Other-L’s movements stopped completely.
The other-girlfriend came home about an hour later. Just enough time for L to wrap up the body in bin bags, and to hide it in the cellar. He thought about cutting the body up, but the thought of blood made him light-headed.
‘Hey cutie,’ she said, ‘make me some tea?’
‘Sure,’ he said. It was only after he’d made the tea, and got in bed with the girl, and they cuddled, and kissed, and after he’d watched her fall asleep that he realised that he’d been smiling the whole time, ever since he arrived.
Something that I'd like critique on especially, is the way I'm using speech tags. And also, if this story makes sense at all.
Anyway here it is.
His Dirty Little Portal
On L’s 25th birthday his girlfriend, C, woke up earlier than usual. She snuck downstairs, boiled the kettle, and made a cup of tea. She then walked back upstairs, sat next to L, and kissed him on the forehead.
‘Happy Birthday,’ she said, handing him the tea as he woke.
‘You made tea,’ he said, rubbing his eyes, ‘thank you very much.’ He didn’t smile. No body ever did in this universe, because this universe was unlike our own. Here the Earth spun 0.0001% quicker, and backwards. This had an adverse effect on the emotional responses of its inhabitants. No matter how good something was, they’re happiness was capped at mild-amusement. Worse than that, the word ‘love’ didn’t exist, and neither did the concept. People found life-partners, but only because it was considered a responsible thing to do and single people were thought of as silly.
L climbed out of bed and turned the computer on. His tea was perfect; it was hot, brewed beautifully, and had just the right amount of milk. He sipped from it and sat quietly. Once the computer had booted he checked his e-mails, and read status updates from his friends. He sat back in the chair and thought about what would happen if he simply didn’t go to work, and disappeared. Who would miss him? Who would care? And why the hell didn’t he book his birthday off?
As he gulped down the rest of his tea he saw a reflection in the bottom of the mug. It was himself, sort of. It wasn’t accurate though, it was a top-down view of himself drinking tea, sat at the computer. It wasn’t a reflection at all, it was a tiny portal into a different dimension. He was looking at an alternative version of himself.
Tiny portals to other dimensions were relatively common in this universe. People found them popping up everywhere. Mrs Turner from Hereford found one in the left eye of her husband, and Mr Taylor from Fife found one in a hole in one of his socks, and Mr and Mrs Ford, from Mansfield, found a particularly disturbing one on the backside of their tabby cat, Martha. At one point discovering a portal would have you got on the front page of a local newspaper, but it was so common now it was only worth a quick text to a close relative.
L looked at this parallel version of himself - this Other-Him. He’d never seen the top of his head from this angle, and subsequently thought about wearing a hat more often. The Other-L was like him in almost every way, but there was one major difference, the Other-L was smiling.
...
‘Happy birthday,’ said Matt and Mark in unison. Matt placed a candle-less chocolate cake on the counter, and Mark put three plates and a knife down next to it.
‘Why am I not happy?’ L said.
‘You’re as happy as you can be, in this world,’ said Mark, scratching the back of his bald head.
All three of them had been working in this shop, selling computers for two years. They told each other it was a simple stop-gap, something to pay off their overdrafts and student bills, before they get out into the ‘real world’ and started doing ‘real work’.
‘You know what you’re problem is,’ Matt said, eyebrow raised. ‘to you, the grass is always greener on the other side.’ Mark nodded along.
‘Yeh ... maybe,’ L sighed and looked up. Matt cut three pieces from the cake and placed them onto the plates. He handed L and Mark a plate each.
‘Would you like me to sing you a song?’ Matt said.
‘No that’s okay,’ L said as he bit into the cake, which, although looked moist and chocolatey, was actually bland and dry.
...
When L got home C was in her dressing gown, watching TV. She was a bartender and worked late nights, so the daytime was her time to relax. He sat down on the sofa next to her and kissed her on the cheek.
‘Hey cutie,’ she said. Her eyes still fixed to the TV.
‘Hey,’ he said, ‘So I found a portal in one of our mugs.’
‘Oh.’ she turned the TV off and looked at L. ‘Show me.’
L placed the mug on the kitchen counter, and they both stood above it, looking down into the other universe.
‘Can they see us?’ she said.
‘I don’t know, I don’t think so,’ he said. C tightened her dressing gown anyway.
They looked down into the other dimension and saw themselves, sat on the sofa. Other-L had his arm around Other-C and they were snuggled into each other, smiling and laughing at the TV.
‘****,’ C said, ‘they’re really good together.’
‘They’re just us really, just different.’ L stood up straight. He put his hand on C’s shoulder. ‘We’re good too.’ C’s face crinkled, her nostrils flared, and her mouth opened and closed. ‘Are you okay?’ L said.
‘I’m trying to smile,’ she said. She began making a strange hiccuping noise.
‘Are you trying to laugh?’ L said. She nodded. Although people couldn’t laugh or smile here, they could definitely cry, and she headed upstairs to do just that, pulling L’s hand away as she went. L picked up the mug and looked down at the sweet couple.
...
L found himself increasingly obsessed with the tiny portal in the mug. He began taking it everywhere with him, and he’d do nothing else but peer down into it. At work he would hide it behind the counter; between customers he would bob down and take sneaky peeks. At night, he would hide it under his bed so when C was asleep he could reach under and look into it. The one time she caught him she sat upright in the bed and told him he was obsessed, and called it his 'dirty little portal.' After that argument L took his mug downstairs and started sleeping on the sofa.
...
L had his suspicions that C was going to leave him, and she did, but slowly. Every time he got home from work, something else of hers was gone. In the first week she’d snuck out all of her makeup, toiletries, and cutlery. By the second week she’d taken her shoes, pillows, and the duvet. By the third, she’d removed all of her clothes, some of his, and the computer.
L hadn’t realised how little he owned until now. The house seemed sad and empty and blank.
On the day C left, he came home to see her standing in the kitchen, wearing the last of her clothes.
‘I’m going in a minute,’ she said, ‘I’m just waiting for the taxi.’
‘Okay, I’ll wait with you,’ he said.
They stood in silence for twenty minutes before the taxi arrived. L tried to make conversation but couldn’t think of anything to say. The driver honked three times, and C headed for the door. After she’d gone he stood and listened to the taxi drive off.
He took the mug upstairs and into the bedroom, which now contained only a bed. He sat down on it and looked into the mug. Other-L was on the bed with Other-C. They were wrestling, tickling, and growling.
L sat at the top of the bed with his back pressed against the wall. Tears streamed down his face and dripped off the end of his chin. He took a deep breath. He wiped his eyes, and looked back into the mug.
The blissful couple had stopped wrestling, and were pointing up to the ceiling. They were distressed. Other-C left the room and returned with a large pan. She placed it on the bed. Curious, L placed his ear to the mug.
Their voices were muffled by the inter-dimensional travel, but he could pick out odd words, like landlord, wet, and leak. L wiped his eyes.
...
The next night L went to the corner shop and bought a pack of cigarettes, a bottle of wine, and some scented candles. He lit the candles with the stove, and he lit a cigarette with one of the candles. By the time he’d finished the bottle he’d realised that one bottle of red wine wasn’t enough, so he went back to corner shop and bought two more.
After the two and half bottles of wine, and nine cigarettes, he grabbed the mug. Other-L was alone, asleep in bed. Other-C had gone to work. He carefully pushed his hand into the mug. The portal was cold against his fingertips. It pulled at him, like a hoover pressed against skin. He pulled his hand out and checked his fingers were still there.
He placed the mug on the floor in front of him. He pressed his palms together, and pushed them finger first into the mug, like he was diving into it. He pushed down until he was elbow deep. He took a deep breath and leaned forward. The portal sucked him down and he could feel his body squash and change shape.
...
Before he’d opened his eyes, or even taken a breath he could hear the screaming. Other-L was stood in front of the bed, horrified by what he saw. L slowly got to his feet, and Other-L cowered backwards further onto the bed.
‘It’s warmer here,’ L said, but Other-L was still screaming, bundling the blanket up beneath him. L thought about the neighbours, and how in his dimension they were over-sensitive to noise.
‘Shut the **** up,’ he whispered. He punched Other-L square in the jaw twice. It forced his head backwards, hitting the wall behind him. The screaming became a squeal. ‘Shut up,’ L said. Other-L’s pupils disappeared and he was writhing around on the bed. L jumped onto the bed and forced a pillow down onto his face, muffling the scream. L held it there until sweat dripped from his nose, and Other-L’s movements stopped completely.
The other-girlfriend came home about an hour later. Just enough time for L to wrap up the body in bin bags, and to hide it in the cellar. He thought about cutting the body up, but the thought of blood made him light-headed.
‘Hey cutie,’ she said, ‘make me some tea?’
‘Sure,’ he said. It was only after he’d made the tea, and got in bed with the girl, and they cuddled, and kissed, and after he’d watched her fall asleep that he realised that he’d been smiling the whole time, ever since he arrived.