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F.E. Michael
03-01-2013, 03:35 AM
Hello, I am a 24 year old criminology major at USF in Florida, I sell cars and moonlight as a repo man. I'm new here and tend to shy from self-focused intros, so don't think I've forayed into the introduction forum. To me they never feel accurate and seem canned. I'd rather people get to know me over time. I'm more comfortable as the outsider in the first place! Anyway, here is my first attempt at creative writing. I have written for college and for freelance jobs, never for fun. I have so many ideas and people in my head that I need to let them live a little. I am wading into fiction slowly by writing short stories that help me get into the heads of the supporting characters in the novel I am planning. This short story is not an original concept, you may notice that it is a bit predictable. I do not think anyone could expect something astounding from thier first 1500 words, so I am not too embarrassed. I would be thrilled with some contructive feedback and commentary about my ability and storytelling or my character, just keep in mind I know it is a familiar plot. Enjoy!?
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It happened again, doubt, sorrow, and cold sweats, followed by that peculiar feeling of wondering what stirred me.

I wasn’t truly curious, though, even my subconscious mind was used to this awkward brand of pity. It was always the same pattern, I had screamed myself awake. It was barely even a question by now, I was quite certain I had. Same time, same sinking feeling, all of it identical...

I snapped my eyes open trying to push the awful imagery out of my vision. I knew my eyes were working because I could see the clock, but nothing else greeted me, darkness. It was still night, the inky blackness and stuffy recirculated air were almost more than I could bear. The night was no savior for me. 0300, just the bottom of the bare asscrack of morning but I already knew what I was in for today.

It was the same this ‘morning’ as any other of the past six weeks or so. Time was almost blending together now. As I came to my senses and rubbed the slumber and sorrow from my eyes I was almost surprised when I realized my palms were moist. Still deluded, I told myself it was sweat.

I had plenty of time to learn to accept things though. There was no sign of the fake-*** sunrise, in the simulated window, near the dingy corner of this ridiculous closet I was appointed. I still had another couple hours until the shift change, the only real difference between night and day for humanity now. There was no morning anymore.

Isn’t it funny when the mind plays tricks on you? When something seems so wonderful that you almost begin to miss it, even knowing that you’ve never experienced it. It was not easy. Coming to terms with precious sleep being squandered away was just the opposite of easy, but, the imagined feeling of the warm sun seemed such an ideal consolation.

As I went to the control panel and entered the manual override code for ‘sunrise’ a full three hours early, two concepts captured my mind by force. I wouldn’t be able to shake myself free. Both thoughts so alien and unknown: Morning, the real earth kind as I imagined it, and as always, the face.

Her face.

These were the reasons why I was jarred awake at this same time, every damn night. I doubt that coincidence is to blame that this exact hour was the one in which I made up my mind a month and a half ago. I decided that I would turn her in.

The evil little picture haunting me slowly began a harmony as it mixed with my perception of morning. I shared a love/hate relationship with the artificial weather system in my cabin, but I knew I’d keep going back to it. For it kept alive the quaint delusion of waking up to the sight and warmth of Earth’s sun, an ideal I’d never truthfully lived.

That was the new plan for my subconscious now, I guess. These two concepts swirled in my mind, it was truly ridiculous. Yet, I longed for them…

As a fresh round of visions hit me I knew it was true. Just the same as the darkness, I too was no savior. All the applause and back-patting, and worst of all the attention… I loathed it and it was all a huge lie. Yet for some reason, I sought it, in that one instance. I’d gotten my wish; I’d achieved a state of notoriety, alright. My little half-cocked idea of bravery, it bought me everything I now hated.

“WHY?!” This morning it seemed to come clear, I was evading the truth.

I loved her. I love her.

We weren’t even permitted to pursue love, not anymore. According to interstellar protocol amorous relationships were “nearsighted and irresponsible”. According to the degree of offense, love was a crime. It was punishable by various levels of extra-vehicular maintenance detail. I was beginning to think that she may be worth at least that, but there was so much more to consider.

All I could imagine is what I was to her, in her eyes. The awful reflection of myself I caught in those mysterious orbs when I last saw her punctuated my truth. I knew what I was the moment I’d committed the ferocious atrocity everyone else saw as heroism. The odd glow in the pupils of her beautiful inhuman eyes shed the perfect light on what I already knew was fact. I looked into those eyes and knew I was a pariah.

I slowly staggered over my memory and across the room to the urinal port to relieve my bladder. I knew shaking this new routine would be impossible. I sure was putting myself through hell, and for the sake of what? A damned refugee!

My mind was trying to put her aside, excuse the actions I’d committed for the sake of duty and the choice I made. ****, she’s not even a part of the GDC!

“AHAHAHA”, I’d began laughing out loud at the dialog in my head, maybe they were right, maybe I would end up just like my dad.

She was down in that miserable gut of the ship, probably shackled, thanks to me. Going and telling her my thoughts weren’t only useless to her, they would make me a traitor.
The fresh split in my chest insisted further inquiry as it bled.

The Global Democratic Coalition, what are you talking about, Spiny? Of-course she isn’t a part of the G-D-****ing-C! SHE ISN’T EVEN A HUMAN!
WHY did I keep doing this to myself?

Resistance is futile… and then the wave of nostalgia wrapped me momentarily. That feeling of a wet blanket on the skin, the melancholy was spiraling now.
As I put on my uniform that line kept repeating in the back of my head, where had I heard it before?

“That’s it,” I hushed myself as I buttoned my standard issue trousers and I felt a shiver erupt from my spine. Then it hit me. Wasn’t it from that brainless old sci-fi program Pops used to watch?

As I exhaled and allotted some fresh pity for myself I realized I’d been brushing my teeth for at least the last seven minutes. The line, though…

“Resistance is futile.” I uttered it aloud allowing the words to ripple the dampness in the air in combat with the ringing emptiness both inside and outside of my body. Whether I’d picked it up from TV with Pops, or perhaps in the media room one day, it did not matter. As applied to what I’d done the phrase was locked into my consciousness with more than nostalgia.

I fought with myself, trying to keep my pitiful existence something recognizable. I hadn’t thrown caution to the wind and embraced my desires yet. “GODDAMNIT,” I roared,”This has to stop!”

I probably would have kept on yelling like that, like a crazy man, like Pops… But the sharp bang on the wall brought the noise in my mind back down into focus; I had to maintain appearances despite the tumult inside my skull. I couldn’t go waking the ensigns, not when they looked up to me so damn much…

I was not worth their admiration.

Making decisions and even just caring for the processes of everyday life aboard the Ark was becoming hard to handle. As the last of mankind drifted through space a war was being fought, my mind was the battlefield. I am Captain Aden “Spiny” Simms, I won’t bend to this pressure. I am better… I have to be… I thought to myself,

I’m not, I’m nothing.

I was trying to convince someone, I must have been, because I sure as hell wasn’t convincing myself. Sure, I was the youngest man to even become a GDC officer, never mind a Captain, but boasting was not going to work today. The feeling was artificial, an appearance, just a role to be acted out while on duty.
Somehow as the next hours passed I made my way down to the bridge. I needed to show face to the crew and issue the morning’s action plan. How could I do that when I couldn’t figure out what I could do to get through the midmorning?

It’s hard enough to grasp these new and dangerous feelings and thoughts invading every waking minute of life. I ought to report to the infirmary, I would have, if it wasn’t so damn full of refugees.

And that was it. That was all it took. As I grasped my head I knew my conscience had heard enough. The mere registering in my mind of the word was all it took to lose grip of the crumbling ledge of composure I so desperately clung to.

Her face, the look of betrayal and lost trust while they pulled, no, dragged her away. This pain was worse than anything I’d ever experienced.
“Refugee”, I’d said it aloud now, accepting the responsibility for my actions for the tenth time this morning. If they were ‘refugees’, what the hell was she? I knew accepting responsibility wasn’t nearly enough. That was when fell off my proverbial ledge.

Screw the damn ship. I spun, knocking the coffee someone had left from the last shift onto the steel grating beneath my boots. As I tumbled down the caverns of sanity I stormed off the bridge and away from the deck. As I stormed toward the lifts there was also a squall raging between my ears. Was I too late yet?

I rounded the corner and slammed a fist on the call button. An ensign’s voice crackled through the fuzz in my brain, “What floor, Captain?”

I recall laughing as I heard him address me. Today I stopped being their miserable captain. Today I was a traitor.

“Send me to hell, buddy.

“…err… sorry sir. What was that?”

“The brig, I’m going to the brig.”

“Aye sir,” as the elevator doors parted, another old saying from Pops came to me… Isn’t it funny the way things always seem so different in the morning?

jayat
03-01-2013, 07:42 AM
I get tired of reading but sounds good and looks well-built. I'm not English native, though. Maybe the catchy elements, you should tighten the whole thing...Anyway, keep trying.
how do you say it? "you've got wood"?

hillwalker
03-01-2013, 10:14 AM
It's obvious that you have a talent for writing based on what you have shared with us on here, but starting any story with that old cliché of the main character waking up is an opening well past its sell-by date. It's surprising how many aspiring writers fall into the same trap.

You also tend to over-write - almost obsessing on each thought instead of driving the story forwards. Two and a half paragraphs to tell us you woke up is pushing any reader's patience to the limit. Since most punters reach a decision after browsing the first page whether or not to continue reading, you're risking losing your audience. You have to grab their attention rather than smother them with internalised dialogue and rather self-pitying reflection.

Paragraph 3 is particularly overcooked. You woke up in a dark room where the only thing you could see was the clock. That's it in a nut-shell. The rest of what you wrote here is verbose filler I'm afraid. The night was no savior for me. What? It's as if you're writing to impress the reader rather than express yourself concisely and coherently.

Paragraphs 4 and 5 - still no reason to pay close attention to the prose because nothing happens, and there's no stand-out expression or ingenious word-play to entertain us along the way.

Paragraph 6 - still spinning your wheels and losing prospective readers by the busload.

Paragraph 7 - at last some action, even though it's only the twist of a dial. But again it's followed by more tedious philosophizing.

I'll admit, I skimmed the rest because nothing interesting seemed about to happen. The narrator is on a space vessel and is attracted to a 'refugee' held captive in the brig. That's the plot - the rest doesn't add anything in my opinion.

I suggest you trim this drastically. You presumably have an intriguing plot in mind but this is all scaffolding. The main structure of the plot is what follows - and thats what will hold our attention. You may feel you need these first 1500+ words in order to establish the credentials of your MC and set the scene, but the sad fact is that most readers won't ever get to the interesting part that follows. They will have jumped ship long before then.

If you're considering taking your writing seriously I'd recommend you take a look at Stephen King's paperback 'On Writing'.

H

jayat
03-01-2013, 02:12 PM
Hillwalker words will help you more than mine, F.E. Michael. Further more...

F.E. Michael
03-01-2013, 04:26 PM
Hillwalker,

I was going to come out and counter a few points, argue that my story was more about thought than the action behind it. However, I don't think that would be prudent. Perception is key and if my intentions aren't what was percieved -or desired- than I suppose that renders the point moot.

I was asking for critical review, and I have to thank you. I like your brand of input. You were very kind, much the apologetic axeman who tries to make a clean chop on the first swing. I say this in jest, I am not thin skinned. I've always seen humor in Cowell's wit. I've picked up a copy, by the way, of King's On Writing. I'm not a big fan of many of his stories, save Christine, but I've heard of this book to help improve writing before so I've been persuaded.

If I revise this story, would you mind giving it another go? I was honestly surprised to see an air of positivity in critique I've recieved across 3-4 sites that I've posted to. It drives me to wonder how far I may be able to take my ideas if the first draft of my first story has recieved reviews all stating similar issues which don't require rocket science to mend. I'd like to remedy this story and use the outcome of my learning to write my next short for another character I've got in mind, someone much more active.

hillwalker
03-01-2013, 07:46 PM
By all means bring it on. All I'm trying to do is help those who take their writing seriously improve. King may be long-winded but he sells books by the skip-full.

H

cafolini
03-01-2013, 08:26 PM
Truth is the fiction inside a lie. ~ King

F.E. Michael
03-01-2013, 09:27 PM
To everyone who is NOT Hillwalker: While I read the perscribed writing guide, and work to revise my second draft, please feel free to continue posting your opinions as well. I get alot of reads, but not much input!

Grit
03-01-2013, 10:15 PM
I'll be honest I couldn't get through this story.

The reason is that the first line is a doozy.

"It happened again, doubt, sorrow, and cold sweats, followed by that peculiar feeling of wondering what stirred me."

It's just not a good hook. It's not very explicit and it's awfully wordy. Also notice you don't set up context. We don't know your character is sleeping until several sentences later. When you say "...wondering what stirred me.' It's strange because we didn't know there was anything to be stirred from.

A simpler form would be; "Once again I woke filled with doubt, sorrow and cold sweat, wondering what stirred me."

The first sentence is the most important part of a story. It needs to be better. The second one is just as bad.

"I wasn’t truly curious, though, even my subconscious mind was used to this awkward brand of pity."

The biggest thing that happens in the first sentence is wondering why the MC woke up. In the next sentence, you say the MC wasn't truly curious. Everything preceding "I snapped my eyes open..." is totally unnecessary.

Not trying to be harsh. I stopped reading after the first few sentences because there's not much actually being said.

F.E. Michael
03-01-2013, 11:54 PM
Did you manage to check any of the previous posts? I'm working on a revised draft, but college takes precedence as it is midterm time. I've come to the conclusion that my draft has a flawed beginning. I thank you for the input, but I really need to gain some perspective on the other aspects of the story that I may need to work on, which is why I encouraged commentary on the rest. If nobody will read through because of a few boring lines at the start I really cannot get a grasp on what makes the rest so awful/good.

I know the reader is not at all to blame because they got bored, but I really wish someone would be kind enough to fully critique the piece. It is kind of tough to see 2/3 of commentary that mention I write well, then say the beginning needs work so I didn't finish, and still take the compliment seriously! Am I bad or not? How can you even know if I am a good writer if you lost interest so quickly? That would dictate a bad writer, correct?

I love that Hillwalker at least said what was bad, but what, if anything, was good? He did mention the story had potential... I want to be graceful recieving criticism, but I see other stories even here that are weak, yet they get more feedback than just a review letting them know that the beginning sucks! /vent

F.E. Michael
03-02-2013, 01:47 AM
Okay, maybe I was harsh on King. On Writing has already shown me something inspiring:

“When you write a story, you’re telling yourself the story,”
he said. “When you rewrite, your main job is taking out all
the things that are not the story.”

Thanks for putting it forth for me, I think I'll take a thing or two to heart.

Grit
03-02-2013, 03:21 AM
Hill is a far better critiquer than I.

I'm sorry if I upset you. I was only trying to help. Cheers.

F.E. Michael
03-02-2013, 03:40 AM
No, I am not upset with your input. I just keep looking for some sort of unobtanium I guess. I need to find that one John or Jane who is bored one night and decides to dissect some random jerk's writing. I just want to be the random jerk. I suppose it did seem as though my dagger was pointed in your general direction. I'm sorry.

hillwalker
03-02-2013, 09:19 AM
Ok - I copy-pasted this into Word, took out the first 7 paragraphs and began looking for the start of the story. It's hidden away at the end of paragraph 8. One sentence.
I decided that I would turn her in.

Immediately the reader is going to be wondering - who is she? who is the person deciding to turn her in? why does he want to turn her in?
That's the conflict set-up.
The next three paragraphs are long-winded, self-conscious ballast. They don't drive the plot forward, reveal the character's motives or even help in his development. They just sit there like a barrier between the reader and the story.

One thing that all well-told stories have in common is that the author is an invisible collaborator. Unfortunately, in your case all we keep hearing is this irritating buzzing in the background. You need to be ruthless and follow King's advice. Anything that isn't story doesn't belong in the story.

So after that opening sentence, the only place left to go is to continue with the question 'why?'.
By all means explain that you are turning her in because you love her - but keep it short and simple then move on.
We don't need to know how the thought came to you. That's boring. We need to know how/when/why you fell in love and why you're now taking the drastic step of betraying her.

The paragraph where you explain about the 'pursuit of love' being against the law is an info dump. Readers don't want to know all the ins and outs of the legal system in place.
Love was a crime.
It's a great line and does its job - so much implied in its simplicity. Use it - don't bury it in the dross.

What's the next important bit? Taking a leak or - how about A damned refugee!?

The problem is that there's so much irrelevant filler separating these key sentences that reading the entire piece is heavy going. You have to use them as a structure for the plot and flesh out the character and setting without going off at a tangent.
The dialogue in your head - we don't want to listen to that. Quit stalling and get on with telling us the story.

She was down in that miserable gut of the ship, probably shackled, thanks to me.
Now we know where these events are taking place and we're a little more intrigued.

WHY did I keep doing this to myself?
More to the point - why do you keep doing this to your readers. You feed them a line then yank the hook right out of our mouths. It's almost as if your story has a death wish.

Brushing your teeth - reminiscing about some TV show -
“GODDAMNIT,” I roared,”This has to stop!”

One well-written sentence is going to be enough to show the reader your MC is going through a crisis of some sort. Reams and reams of internalised dialogue is stretching the patience of even the most committed reader.

Today I stopped being their miserable captain. Today I was a traitor.
So many words to get to this pivotal point.

As I have already stated earlier, you can write and the story has potential but you have to decide whether you're going to tell it us or keep prevaricating.

H

jayat
03-02-2013, 02:20 PM
To everyone who is NOT Hillwalker: While I read the perscribed writing guide, and work to revise my second draft, please feel free to continue posting your opinions as well. I get alot of reads, but not much input!

Make it catchy from the beginning! It happened the same to me with one of my stories. I wrote almost 4 pages. I spent almost two weeks in doing that. Today I find the courage to "Take out what is not in the story: rewrite". Do you know what?...From 4 pages to 1 plus three lines...ta-chin...All the superfluous stuff bye-bye. Two weeks of working to the bin bascket?...Time lost? No, new strategic, writting schemes in my mind, new paths to follow. Remember words on the poster Bertold Bretch had got in his writing desk "fail, fail better, fail again".

P.S. I don't post things in this page, because my level of english is low. Instead of translating I spend my time in reading and, just now, writing in my mother tongue language. Big smile.

F.E. Michael
03-02-2013, 03:51 PM
Well, I think I've got to learn to detach from my stories a little bit. I think that will help me see what is less important, and realize to cut it. I'm going to finish On Writing before I revise my work. I want to make it count, I don't want to spend too much time on this little first try. Thanks for setting some more time aside for me you two. It really helps to gain perspective and learn what drove you away from the work versus what seemed like a good solid line.

Calidore
03-02-2013, 04:41 PM
I can recommend another powerhouse-author-on-writing book: Ray Bradbury's Zen in the Art of Writing.

AuntShecky
03-02-2013, 07:02 PM
The topic is boffo, even though illicit love is an age-old theme. Your treatment of R & J places them in a futuristic milieu, but instead of feuding Capulets and Montagues, the lovers come from two different life-forms (or maybe a life-form and an android? It's not quite clear.)

As cited in earlier comments, beginning a story with the protag/narrator waking up in the morning has been done-to-death. Not only that, this opening goes on and on forever. You might want to look at an opening scene featuring the couple defying the law against love: make the implication clear but subtly in their dialogue. Or, since the betrayed lover's stint in the brig is crucial, you might want to begin there and work backwards.

Subtlety is always the better option, but in the case of the narrator "turning in" his love, we would have appreciated a stronger hint as to his motivation for betraying her. Also, the narrator evidently committed an "atrocity" in the line of battle which his side takes as heroism -- is part of the betrayal or isn't a separate act? Again, not much is clear, and the details we could use are murky. I would've preferred less soul-searching on the narrator's part in favor of including the salient details of what the hell wa going on.

Cut out the stuff about "resistance is futile," which wasn't all that good when it appeared in the original movie. As a matter of fact, cutting out the superfluous and repetitive matter throughout the story would make tighter, and thus more effective.

F.E. Michael
03-02-2013, 07:54 PM
I can see alot of truth in your assessment. I guess I need to be more clear, as "resistance is futile" is just a weak memory of a corny show, the importance is he starts to think he is going mad like his father. I mean it's hard to weave a multifaceted character if I have to cut ALL the subtext. I can't let people know how he thinks, and what he worries about. My story isn't about the alien girl he turned in when war broke out, it's about how he percieves what's happening to her because of what he did, and now that he realizes he was wrong, what he's going to do about it. I can't pinpoint where that isn't clear in the story. It's ok to dislike my plot and the subplot I'm not worried about that, but it seems like people want me to change the concept of the story in order to make it more streamlined because it is a short. I will do that for the sake of the story, yes, but the point in this little event was to think like my character, it really wasn't an action driven piece. Your criticism is very clear and I love that. I think you all will be pleasantly surprised when I make my story more like the standard short story format. I wasn't trying to do that here, now I'm excited to try it.

F.E. Michael
03-04-2013, 02:45 AM
Halfway done, I'd say. Trimmed a load off the start, simplified the story, and shifted the plot around. After I put some time in on my Human Relations Skills (drivel) midterm I'm going to fisnish it up and repost. Now, since I am new here, when it comes time to post my second draft would I make a new thread (new title to this one BTW), update first post, or just add a new reply?

hillwalker
03-04-2013, 07:47 AM
You can do either - as long as you don't paste your redraft over the original draft (which would then make all the feedback about that irrelevant to anyone stumbling across this thread 50 years down the line).

H

Byronic
03-04-2013, 07:45 PM
First of all I need to point out that this isn't my kind of thing at all. But objectively speaking this isn't bad. My criticism would be that it's a little safe in places - I think you should try and be more adventurous! Like for example - darkness is 'inky blackness', I would try and go for a less obvious metaphor.

The problem with a first person narrative like this is that it can be a little jumpy at times. I think you need to work more on connecting the ideas that the character has, it will feel more natural and mean that the intentional staccato e.g. bits like the laughing and the “WHY?!” have much more of an impact.

F.E. Michael
03-05-2013, 04:56 AM
While I am in the middle of rewrite, why not take a look at some first draft dialog? I've never written dialog and I am developing this to cherry pick a couple of lines, so no worries thinking there will be wordwalls. The setting is Capt. Simms eavesdropping from the mess hall listening in to men in the ship's galley.

http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?74072-New-writer-learning-dialog-think-this-is-any-good&p=1206343&posted=1#post1206343

F.E. Michael
03-08-2013, 03:11 AM
Check out revision 2! http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?74136-Part-1-I-Turned-Her-In-(Different-in-the-A-M-rev-2)