A Cup Of Three

[kittypaws]

Me, myself and I
Have a true relationship
As we are the only ones
Who mean the most to us.
I have no husband,
Lover to call mine,
No children,
No future to behold.
I only have a dog
A cat that is so bold.
And as the wicked night winds
Blows thru my pains
And the cold hard rain beats
Against my depth
Often me and myself
Will get in bouts
But I will step in
And set it all right.
As it is only
Me, myself and I
That will live to breath
Through these days.

KIttypaws

[kittypaws]

I am not happy with the last few lines....and suggestions would be appreciated.


many thanks

Kittypaws

[qimissung]

I like your poem, kittypaws. Rhythm is everthing, and if you are not satisfied, you might try reading your poem aloud, and also reading aloud changes that you're considering. What do you think of this:

but I step in
and set it all right
because it is only
we three
I, myself, and me,
who will be here to breathe
through all of our days

[hillwalker]

I like the sentiment behind this - being self-reliant and comforted by one's own company.
But there are one or two lines you might consider changing:

No future to behold.
I only have a dog
A cat that is so bold.

The last line is so weak - simply because you've gone with the rhyme instead of writing something more interesting about the cat.

And as the wicked night winds
Blows thru my pains

'winds' are plural so it should be 'Blow thru. . .'

The last four lines are indeed weak - not helped by 'breath' when you presumably mean 'breathe'.
Maybe something like:

As only me, myself and I
will live to breathe
from dawn to dawn,
we hold each other close
and count our blessings
one by one.

. . .just an idea.

H

[kittypaws]

Thank you qimissung for your time and reply.

I agree reading out loud of poetry can be beneficial!

What you have suggest it good!

I appreciate it! :)
and if you don't mind I may just use your suggestion along with a combination from what Hill suggested. Group hug! :grouphug:

kittypaws

[kittypaws]

I like the sentiment behind this - being self-reliant and comforted by one's own company.
But there are one or two lines you might consider changing:

No future to behold.
I only have a dog
A cat that is so bold.

The last line is so weak - simply because you've gone with the rhyme instead of writing something more interesting about the cat.

And as the wicked night winds
Blows thru my pains

'winds' are plural so it should be 'Blow thru. . .'

The last four lines are indeed weak - not helped by 'breath' when you presumably mean 'breathe'.
Maybe something like:

As only me, myself and I
will live to breathe
from dawn to dawn,
we hold each other close
and count our blessings
one by one.

. . .just an idea.

H

What should I consider more important the rhythm or something interesting about my cat? This poem is not about my cat it is about me. what if it said my cat to hold?

sigh....my same problem with getting tenses right. I get in a rush some times as the thoughts just tumble into my mind and I don't want to lose them. :banghead:

thank you Hillwalker...as always

kittypaws

[osho]

I like your poem beyond words and in fact and your poem gives vent to some of the innermost feelings people have been living with for centuries.

[Adolescent09]

'And as the wicked night winds
Blows thru my pains'

I am not sure if it was your intention to invoke more meaning into these lines but in my humble opinion they are highly thought-provoking. It is nothing short of brilliant. There are three interesting conjectures I made from these lines alone, which may or may not suffice as philosophical queries:

1. Proverbial/Theological Wickedness= Conventional sin which satiates the flesh therefore 'blowing thru' or alleviating pains.

2. The word 'blows'= confers ephemerality to pleasure, inferring the imminence of pain's return as a result of the broadly established truism that perpetual or constant vector motion is improbable.

3. 'Wicked (insert rampantly misused ellipsis here) winds' : either attempts to offset or create an equilibrium between wicked and good, or since winds are the subject that 'blow' reiterate that pains are caused by wicked things, and hopefully not vice versa.

LMAO! Sorry for going overboard! You have no idea how much I like those two lines. I could go on forever! Thanks for providing me the pleasure. :)

BTW, are you kizpaws or in anyway acquainted with her? Your forum name is so similar and she used to be just the sweetest person ever. Maybe I was just taken in by her beautiful avatar lol.

[hillwalker]

What should I consider more important the rhythm or something interesting about my cat? This poem is not about my cat it is about me. what if it said my cat to hold?

So if it's not about your cat. . . why devote an entire line to the cat and even worse, try to fob us off with a weak end-rhyme?

I have no husband,
Lover to call mine,
No children,
And no future to behold. - I've added the word 'And' to maintain the rhythm of the earlier couplet.

I only have a dog and cat
And as the wicked wind. . .

Admittedly, the rhythm is lost almost as soon as it's established but at least the cat is no longer the centre of so much attention.

:brow:

H