not sure yet

[Scrumpy]

Deleted

[Charles Darnay]

It's a fun idea, but there is not much of a story here. You are too excited to get to the turn-around that everything before it becomes a laundry list of events. I found myself skimming because I could quickly tell it was just leading up to some form of punch-line. The more immersive you make the story overall, the more your reader will appreciate the ending.

[hillwalker]

Not so much a short story as a long, drawn-out 'joke' to be honest. The first three sentences are unnecessary because there's nothing happening.

The rest of the story involves a punter in a car and a girl offering him 'the works'.
I have to say, the plot is paper-thin and the writing is rather flimsy. We get no sense of either character - one is meant to be a stereotypical hooker (the basis for the joke) and the other a typical guy. You can either flesh it out and allow the reader to get to know the characters better - have other things happening before dealing the punch-line, or do away with the filler and trim it to the bare bones like this.

A car slows down and pulls into the curb. I look at the driver assessing what he can afford.
“What do you want hun?"
"How much for the works?”
“Five.”
"Make it three”.
With the price agreed I get to work.
Within 5 minutes I’m done, then I clean my sponge ready for the next car to wash.

Is this any better or worse? I'd guess not.

H