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Brian Blash
02-19-2013, 11:15 PM
This is my first attempt at writing that i have actually finished. It was for my English class, so everything should be ok to say on here as well. I don't think it is very good. But i guess im probably too judgmental.... Whatever....

(Prologue)

The spaceship had been drifting through empty, unclaimed, uncharted territory for 3 years 11 months and 12 days. Lost. Broken. Abandoned, save its sole surviving crew-member. Most of the systems had either been shut down to conserve power, or had been too damaged to continue working. Out of 300 rooms, 299 of them sat, unused, vacant, in desperate need of an occupant. It’s communication systems transmitting one message over and over. Two words “Help. Madness.”

“This is the way I came upon the USS Ember. IN my small one manned space vessel. I had picked up the distress signal and it had not only made me want to investigate, but seeing as it is my…. ‘Job’, to empty out drifting ships I happen to come upon. I am a space pirate. Well, I guess I’m not TECHNICALLY a pirate, as I only take treasure from empty (ish) ships. I suppose I’m more of a treasure hunter. Anyway, back to the story.”

“It was about 3:30 in the morning on Sunday, March 3, in the year 2000X. I was having a nice nap when the alarms started going off! I jumped up and ran to the bridge to see was happening. The view-screen was flashing green and red, the colors meaning a nearby ship. I had been having pretty good run for a while, so I was expecting the best. I looked up the ship and found out it had been a medical supply and human transport vessel. Not a ship full of money, but still quite valuable to the correct people. My next line of action according to The Intergalactic Pirate & Treasure Hunters Handbook (yes, there is such a thing) is to scan for life signs; No point in attacking a ship with a full crew, it isn’t worth the risk. In a few moments my computer chimed, and then after a brief pause said, ‘ the current population of the USS Ember Medical Supply Ship from the Xenon Galaxy, is 1. Life support: Active. Navigational Controls: Disabled. Shields: Disabled.’ This ship was perfect. All I had to do was try to hail the ship. If they didn’t respond, I could just dock under the rouse of trying to help. Then I can just incapacitate the one person on this ship, and then take all his stuff. Simple. Heck, maybe I’ll take the poor guy with me.”

“In a short time my computer let out a ping! And a man’s face appeared on my view screen. He looked just like I had expected; weak, frail, thin… ‘H-hello?!’ he screeched. His was dry and just as weak as the rest of him, ‘Are you here to help me?’ ‘No you foolish fool, I am here to rob you blind’ I thought, ‘well if it is help you need help you shall receive’ I said coolly. His face seemed to light up. ‘However, I shall be requiring…. Compensation. After all, I am risking my life out here.’ I said in a commanding tone. ‘ O-of course… let me send out the docking ring so you can… well, dock!’ he said with a slight chuckle. Something about this weak, old man troubled me, but i could not understand what it was....

" I pulled up to the docking ring and, after a short moment, it extended and connected with my small star-craft. The hiss of air told me it had connected with my ship successfully. I collected my thoughts and any equipment i might need. I did have weapons on bored my ship, but this was a sickly old man! I didn't need weapons to deal with HIM. If anything started going south, i'd blow on him and he'd most likely fall over and die."

"It all happened very quickly after that.... And i don't even remember much of it..... What I do remember is very little.... I opened up my door, and walked out... I saw walls... Brown-red and white.... Not even in any specific pattern.... I remember thinking it was an odd choice of color for a ship.... Then... I saw the man... if that is what you want to call him... He... He was just a head with a few dangling organs.... No arms.... No legs... No body... Just a head. There were jagged chunks of flesh here and there... like the skin, and limbs had been ripped off by some savage force... He scanned me over and after seeing i had brought no weapons, his already horror struck face, sunk deeper... What happened here? I took a moment to look away... To look at the walls i had carelessly dismissed as being the work of some horrid interior decorator..... Now i saw the truth... The walls (originally white) had been covered in the splattering of blood. There was to much for it all to have come from this one man... There had to have been others. Countless numbers of others. It was just as i was coming to this realization when i was hit from behind...."

"Now, I am here... in a room... The Grotesque figure that welcomed me here into this death-trap is dead.... If you considered his state of being as alive. I... I have been forced to do things i never dreamt of... Where the entity i have been forced to call my master came from that first day, i do not know... Nor do i know where he goes after every 'meal'. When things are running slow... he takes pieces of me... Other rimes when we get a ship in, other treasure hunters like me, or do-gooders really trying to help... we... we eat them... I'm writing this on the last leg of my sanity. If you are reading this, it means I am dead, as no-one is aloud in the servants quarters... Maybe you were the one who granted me the sweet gift of death. I hope someone does the same for you as soon as possible. It is hard to believe this kind of horrific display of our race. Barbaric. Animal. We are not of the human race any longer. We are now The Damned. Welcome to the family."

Grit
02-28-2013, 10:44 PM
Congrats on finishing your first story!

Okay so here's a couple of things that bugged me.

You start off with what seems like normal prose;


The spaceship had been drifting through empty, unclaimed, uncharted territory...

Then, without warning, you switch into dialogue for some reason. I have to tell you I prefer the first style of writing rather than someone telling me the story. It's much better.

At several points you use this description style where you say single words several times.


Barbaric. Animal.


Lost. Broken. Abandoned


I do this too when I just let it flow but it's not the best way to write. Better to choose the best one and stick with it.

Capitalizing words is a mistake, if you want it to stand out, order and write it so it does, don't just make it larger. I'm referring to "I'm not TECHNICALLY a pirate..."


It all happened very quickly after that....

This is where the ellipsis craziness began. It's not a good choice. I know you were trying to convey insanity, or confusion but grammar is not the way to do it. Use words to create the tone you would like. Having too many "..." really slows the passage down for the reader and makes it kind of boring. Takes us out of any horror you may be cultivating. Also it's pretty bad grammar.

If you change those things, it'll help your story really shine, but unfortunately as is it's obscured. Too bad because I love science fiction and horror, especially together.

Brian Blash
03-01-2013, 09:33 PM
Well first off thank you. I know the beginning is confusing in the way that it switches point of view, I also think it would be better if it was all in one and didn't change. However I did not know how to explain what was going on if it was in first person, and if it was all in third person, I didn't know how to tell the story. I honestly am on the fence about which would be better to tell it all in. About the description. I really wanted to be descriptive as possible, but in all honesty I'm not the best at grammatical things (and in this reply there may be a lot of grammatical errors as it is) but I didn't know of any other way to be as descriptive. Its the same way with the all caps parts. I know that there are better ways to stress words, but i didn't have much time so i just chose the easiest way i knew. And finally the ellipsis. I know I use them way to often. I'm horrible at that.
Thank you very much for your input.

F.E. Michael
03-01-2013, 09:44 PM
I like space and sci-fi, and this story made me feel and think about when I was 10 watching Event Horizon on HBO, there is a horror/sci-fi edge. I like it. I have to ask though, did you get tired of writing, or perhaps lose inspiration and rush the end? Also, there was enough grammar and style incoherance to make me lose focus and pull me away from the story. That kills me because it's all about immersion for me when I read fiction. If this is a draft, polish it up, I'd like to see what you idea could become, as it is very entertaining as a concept.

Brian Blash
03-01-2013, 09:52 PM
I did get tired of writing. That is why everything escalated so fast. It should have taken much longer. Well, maybe not longer, but less choppy. It is just a draft. I haven't worked anymore on it though. I need to.

Grit
03-01-2013, 10:08 PM
Well first off thank you. I know the beginning is confusing in the way that it switches point of view, I also think it would be better if it was all in one and didn't change. However I did not know how to explain what was going on if it was in first person, and if it was all in third person, I didn't know how to tell the story. I honestly am on the fence about which would be better to tell it all in. About the description. I really wanted to be descriptive as possible, but in all honesty I'm not the best at grammatical things (and in this reply there may be a lot of grammatical errors as it is) but I didn't know of any other way to be as descriptive. Its the same way with the all caps parts. I know that there are better ways to stress words, but i didn't have much time so i just chose the easiest way i knew. And finally the ellipsis. I know I use them way to often. I'm horrible at that.
Thank you very much for your input.

In terms of point-of-view, as is, it's written in first person. Unless you have a distinct reason to do it in first person I'd say third person is the way to go.

As for grammar and the ellipsis. Just take them out, and it will be stronger.

"It all happened very quickly after that.... And i don't even remember much of it..... What I do remember is very little.... I opened up my door, and walked out... I saw walls... Brown-red and white.... Not even in any specific pattern.... I remember thinking it was an odd choice of color for a ship.... Then... I saw the man... if that is what you want to call him... He... He was just a head with a few dangling organs.... No arms.... No legs... No body... Just a head. There were jagged chunks of flesh here and there... like the skin, and limbs had been ripped off by some savage force... He scanned me over and after seeing i had brought no weapons, his already horror struck face, sunk deeper... What happened here? I took a moment to look away... To look at the walls i had carelessly dismissed as being the work of some horrid interior decorator..... Now i saw the truth... The walls (originally white) had been covered in the splattering of blood. There was to much for it all to have come from this one man... There had to have been others. Countless numbers of others. It was just as i was coming to this realization when i was hit from behind...."

becomes

"It all happened very quickly after that, I don't even remember much of it. What I do remember is very little. I opened up my door, and walked out. I saw walls, brown-red and white, not even in any specific pattern. I remember thinking it was an odd choice of color for a ship. Then I saw the man, if that is what you want to call him. He- He was just a head with a few dangling organs. No arms, No legs, No body. Just a head. There were jagged chunks of flesh here and there, like the skin, and limbs had been ripped off by some savage force. He scanned me over and after seeing i had brought no weapons, his already horror struck face, sunk deeper. What happened here? I took a moment to look at the walls i had carelessly dismissed as being the work of some horrid interior decorator. Now i saw the truth. The walls (originally white) had been covered in the splattering of blood. There was to much for it all to have come from this one man. There had to have been others. Countless numbers of others. It was just as i was coming to this realization when i was hit from behind."

That's a lot better in my opinion.

Good luck with the story!

Brian Blash
03-01-2013, 10:14 PM
It is much easier to read like that, but then there is the problem of putting it into third person

Grit
03-01-2013, 10:16 PM
You don't need to put it in third person it's up to you.

Brian Blash
03-01-2013, 10:18 PM
Well yeah i know that I'm just saying.

F.E. Michael
03-01-2013, 11:43 PM
It's not too hard to convert it to 3rd person. Just narrate it as if you were looking down on the occurances in your own story. Imagine being Morgan Freeman and your characters are some obscure species of insect. If he can make woodcutter ants dramatic an entertaining, you surely can narrate your own story from an omniscient perspective and really make it shine.