seanxytv
02-19-2013, 12:10 AM
New to this site
I am a 12 year old aspiring writer and this is my very first short story. (work in progress)
All constructive critisism appreciated. :)
“They’re coming.” Patrick Fitz mumbled. On the crowded and narrow streets stood 3 menacing German soldiers in a trio, followed by an awkward and skinny soldier, Joseph Fleischer. Joseph Fleischer, the loyal comrade that Patrick trusted to keep his true views on the Nazi a secret. In all truth, both men believed that the Nazi was a pure evil, war powered organization, yet they were both members. They fantasized to use the information that they’ve discovered to someday overcome the Nazi and its plans. It was obvious to Patrick Fitz that his partner was attempting to achieve that by earning a higher rank in the organization. Joseph had told the Nazi about Patrick Fitz’s whereabouts and the true reason he joined. Patrick Fitz, knowing the Nazi far too well, instantly knew what actions the Nazi would take after Joseph Fleischer directed them here. They’ll kill Joseph after they find me. Patrick flinched at the thought. Joseph knew too much already, and the Nazi would make sure no information gets out.
Patrick had countless drills in the past in case of situations like this, and he knew the warehouse inside out. The interior design was very complex, with many hallways and intertwined rooms. The spacious roof and labyrinth-like basement were both easily accessible. Patrick scurried down to the basement, making many creaks along the way. Dusty furniture and cardboard boxes were scattered on the flimsy plywood floor like a maze, intentionally to confuse the enemy. Patrick flipped the light switch to reveal a dim, flickering light in the center of the basement. Confidently making his way through twists and turns, he found BOX NO. 93. He rummaged through his collection of looted guns from the station. Finding the basic hand gun, Patrick made his way back up the stairs and into the main hallway. Outside the door were sounds of loading guns, muffled by shrieks of panic. Patrick knew that any secound the soldiers would barrage through the doors and shoot on first sight. Trusting his instincts, he coordinated through one of many hallways, went through a deserted room, and finally made it to a well camouflaged door. Reaching for the doorknob, Patrick was disrupted by a loud collision in the main entrance. In most cases, this would have encouraged him to make his escape even faster, but Patrick was eager to get more information. He pressed his ear against the wall and dreadfully waited.
“This place is like a mansion,” a deep voiced soldier said. “Split up. I’ll take the basement, you two take those doors and Jose—“ Joseph interrupted. “I’ll take the roof.”
The deep voice seemed to cooperate suspiciously.
That’s when it hit him. Patrick remembered that Joseph was just as familiar with the warehouse, and he knew the exact route to the roof. Steps began to emerge through the walls, getting louder and louder.
Viciously swinging the door, Patrick sprinted up the stairs to be greeted by the fresh air. Patrick took one last look at the warehouse that would be raided and burned to a crisp. Bracing himself to jump off the two story building, Patrick gathered enough momentum to perform a safe landing, but those hopes were squashed when a voice called out from behind.
“Patrick!”Joseph Fleischer shouted. Patrick began to slow down.
“Traitor…” He muttered with his back to Joseph.
“I’m not a traitor,” Joseph said catching his breath. “I’ve found some interesting stuff on the Nazi. We have to take action, they’re planning something big.”
Joseph took out a file from inside his trench coat and handed it to Patrick. Hesitantly, Patrick accepted the gift.
“If that truly was your intention—”
“It was—”
“Than why not just knock on the door and hand me the file? ”
“I’m new to the organization, so they’d be watching my every move. I couldn’t just knock on the door with a classified file. I needed an excuse to come here, and this was the best choice—my only choice.”
Patrick took a moment to comprehend what Joseph told him, and judged for himself whether he would accept it. Patrick was displeased that Joseph would risk both their lives for a lone file, but he was glad Joseph was not a traitor. “Let’s go, they’re probably coming to the roof soon.” He said with a slight grin.
The united friends began to run towards the edge of the warehouse, preparing for the leap that would change their paths forever. For a moment, it seemed like fireworks were going off in their victory, but the fireworks turned into an ugly array of gunfire attacking not only Patrick, but Joseph too.
The three soldiers made their way to the roof sooner than Patrick expected. Taking a big risk, Patrick took a quick glance and was bewildered by what he saw. Instead of 3 soldiers, there were a dozen soldiers shooting wildly. It was a miracle that neither he nor Joseph was shot, but Patrick knew their luck would fail them soon. Patrick began zigzagging across the roof, making it harder for the soldiers to properly aim. Joseph began doing the same shortly after. Both made eye contact, signaling to get ready to jump. They escaped the gunfire and made a great leap across the alley. Patrick landed in a tower of cardboard boxes, colliding into the brick wall opposite of him. There was an abrupt snap in his left elbow. Howling in pain, Patrick took less time then he needed to recover and desperately searched for his partner. He swung what was left of his arms at the boxes and finally discovered a large bump buried at the bottom. Patrick dug down and noticed mahogany patterns on the cardboard. The deeper he unraveled, the bigger splotches of red there would be. Patrick couldn’t go any further, though he knew exactly what he would discover beneath the tower.
I am a 12 year old aspiring writer and this is my very first short story. (work in progress)
All constructive critisism appreciated. :)
“They’re coming.” Patrick Fitz mumbled. On the crowded and narrow streets stood 3 menacing German soldiers in a trio, followed by an awkward and skinny soldier, Joseph Fleischer. Joseph Fleischer, the loyal comrade that Patrick trusted to keep his true views on the Nazi a secret. In all truth, both men believed that the Nazi was a pure evil, war powered organization, yet they were both members. They fantasized to use the information that they’ve discovered to someday overcome the Nazi and its plans. It was obvious to Patrick Fitz that his partner was attempting to achieve that by earning a higher rank in the organization. Joseph had told the Nazi about Patrick Fitz’s whereabouts and the true reason he joined. Patrick Fitz, knowing the Nazi far too well, instantly knew what actions the Nazi would take after Joseph Fleischer directed them here. They’ll kill Joseph after they find me. Patrick flinched at the thought. Joseph knew too much already, and the Nazi would make sure no information gets out.
Patrick had countless drills in the past in case of situations like this, and he knew the warehouse inside out. The interior design was very complex, with many hallways and intertwined rooms. The spacious roof and labyrinth-like basement were both easily accessible. Patrick scurried down to the basement, making many creaks along the way. Dusty furniture and cardboard boxes were scattered on the flimsy plywood floor like a maze, intentionally to confuse the enemy. Patrick flipped the light switch to reveal a dim, flickering light in the center of the basement. Confidently making his way through twists and turns, he found BOX NO. 93. He rummaged through his collection of looted guns from the station. Finding the basic hand gun, Patrick made his way back up the stairs and into the main hallway. Outside the door were sounds of loading guns, muffled by shrieks of panic. Patrick knew that any secound the soldiers would barrage through the doors and shoot on first sight. Trusting his instincts, he coordinated through one of many hallways, went through a deserted room, and finally made it to a well camouflaged door. Reaching for the doorknob, Patrick was disrupted by a loud collision in the main entrance. In most cases, this would have encouraged him to make his escape even faster, but Patrick was eager to get more information. He pressed his ear against the wall and dreadfully waited.
“This place is like a mansion,” a deep voiced soldier said. “Split up. I’ll take the basement, you two take those doors and Jose—“ Joseph interrupted. “I’ll take the roof.”
The deep voice seemed to cooperate suspiciously.
That’s when it hit him. Patrick remembered that Joseph was just as familiar with the warehouse, and he knew the exact route to the roof. Steps began to emerge through the walls, getting louder and louder.
Viciously swinging the door, Patrick sprinted up the stairs to be greeted by the fresh air. Patrick took one last look at the warehouse that would be raided and burned to a crisp. Bracing himself to jump off the two story building, Patrick gathered enough momentum to perform a safe landing, but those hopes were squashed when a voice called out from behind.
“Patrick!”Joseph Fleischer shouted. Patrick began to slow down.
“Traitor…” He muttered with his back to Joseph.
“I’m not a traitor,” Joseph said catching his breath. “I’ve found some interesting stuff on the Nazi. We have to take action, they’re planning something big.”
Joseph took out a file from inside his trench coat and handed it to Patrick. Hesitantly, Patrick accepted the gift.
“If that truly was your intention—”
“It was—”
“Than why not just knock on the door and hand me the file? ”
“I’m new to the organization, so they’d be watching my every move. I couldn’t just knock on the door with a classified file. I needed an excuse to come here, and this was the best choice—my only choice.”
Patrick took a moment to comprehend what Joseph told him, and judged for himself whether he would accept it. Patrick was displeased that Joseph would risk both their lives for a lone file, but he was glad Joseph was not a traitor. “Let’s go, they’re probably coming to the roof soon.” He said with a slight grin.
The united friends began to run towards the edge of the warehouse, preparing for the leap that would change their paths forever. For a moment, it seemed like fireworks were going off in their victory, but the fireworks turned into an ugly array of gunfire attacking not only Patrick, but Joseph too.
The three soldiers made their way to the roof sooner than Patrick expected. Taking a big risk, Patrick took a quick glance and was bewildered by what he saw. Instead of 3 soldiers, there were a dozen soldiers shooting wildly. It was a miracle that neither he nor Joseph was shot, but Patrick knew their luck would fail them soon. Patrick began zigzagging across the roof, making it harder for the soldiers to properly aim. Joseph began doing the same shortly after. Both made eye contact, signaling to get ready to jump. They escaped the gunfire and made a great leap across the alley. Patrick landed in a tower of cardboard boxes, colliding into the brick wall opposite of him. There was an abrupt snap in his left elbow. Howling in pain, Patrick took less time then he needed to recover and desperately searched for his partner. He swung what was left of his arms at the boxes and finally discovered a large bump buried at the bottom. Patrick dug down and noticed mahogany patterns on the cardboard. The deeper he unraveled, the bigger splotches of red there would be. Patrick couldn’t go any further, though he knew exactly what he would discover beneath the tower.