White Lynching

[Jassy Melson]

The three bodies hung like slabs of meat
ready for the butcher; they occasionally
made a half turn caused by the twisting
of the ropes. They were found in east Tennessee
near Dollywood off the highway
in a wooded area. A jacked-up car sat on the road
not far away. It has been determined that the car
belonged to the victims: a white man in his mid-thirties,
a white woman in her early thirties, and a white girl of ten
were the victims. It has been determined that the male victim
had been castrated and his penis stuck in his mouth;
the two females had been raped and sodomised.
The three victims were strung up on three separate trees.
Police are still in the process of collecting clues
and evidence. The media were overjoyed
because they were allowed to take photos
of the three before they were cut down.
Around the necks of the victims were signs
that stated “These died for your sins, cracker.”

The New Black Panther Party, Jessie Jackson
and Al Sharpton arrived in the small town
near where the lynching occurred; to maintain calm
and halt hysteria and violence as they put it.
They have announced that they believe the lynching
was done by whites in order to cast suspicion on blacks.

So much for your dream, King.

[Emil Miller]

Careful, you might be accused of objectivity.

[Jassy Melson]

And what exactly does that mean?

[Delta40]

You are writing in past and present tense which is confusing. choose whether to make this story in the past or happening now, not both.

Some of your sentences are overly complicated when writing dictates to keep things simple. For example: a white man in his mid-thirties,
a white woman in her early thirties, and a white girl of ten were the victims. This is so obviously a white family. Instead of repeating 'white' three times and boring us with the trivial difference between mid thirties and early thirties, why don't you look at writing this in a more effective way?

The three victims were strung up on three separate trees. This is a bad sentence and you know it. Each victim hung from a separate tree might cut it better but three separate trees doesn't make sense since the opposite means three connected trees.

Whatever point you're making, at least try to write it well.

[cafolini]

What do Jackson and Dr. King have to do with this? You can't pull this one. Don't ridicule yourself any further.

[hillwalker]

I won't comment on the subject matter because that speaks for itself. But the quality of writing is abject:

It has been determined that the car
belonged to the victims: a white man in his mid-thirties,
a white woman in her early thirties, and a white girl of ten
were the victims. It has been determined that the male victim
had been castrated and his penis stuck in his mouth;
the two females had been raped and sodomised.
The three victims were strung up on three separate trees.

So much redundant repetition, one doubts you bothered to read through this before posting.

H

[Jassy Melson]

Is this all the criticism you've got? What about the good points of the piece--and there are many of them. Don't just dwell on the negative aspects as all of you did. Be balanced in your critisicm. I know there are some things you like about the piece. Why don't you come out and state them, instead of being totally negative.

[WyattGwyon]

Is this all the criticism you've got? What about the good points of the piece--and there are many of them. Don't just dwell on the negative aspects as all of you did. Be balanced in your critisicm. I know there are some things you like about the piece. Why don't you come out and state them, instead of being totally negative.

Sounds like you are fully conversant with "the good points of the piece," so isn't it fortunate that those who have so generously given their time to help you focused on what you overlooked? I think the proper etiquette in this situation is to say thank you and then go rework what you have written.

[Delta40]

Indulge me. What are its good points - now none of this recalcitrant child stuff of I'm-not-telling! You've got the balls so lay them on the table for all to admire.

[tonywalt]

I'm just picturing the black panthers, jessie jackson, and al sharpton Maintaining Calm in East Tennessee after such an event.

[hillwalker]

What about the good points of the piece--and there are many of them. . . Be balanced in your critisicm. I know there are some things you like about the piece. Why don't you come out and state them, instead of being totally negative.

I thought you did a great job with the choice of font - especially in the title.

H

[Jassy Melson]

Okay, I understand the situation completely now. There is a clique on this sight who are totally into negative criticism. The members of this clique have nothing positive to say about any work.

[hillwalker]

You do tend to bring this upon yourself, insisting that there are some things we do like about your piece when it's surely up to your audience to make that decision for themselves.

H

[tonywalt]

I'm just picturing the black panthers, jessie jackson, and al sharpton Maintaining Calm in East Tennessee after such an event.

Actually I like the poem Jerry and it's certainly an interesting topic.

[Jassy Melson]

Thank you

[Kimberly Brock]

This seems more like prose than poetry, unless you're going for the prose-poem style. As far as past/present tense it's a little all over the place with that. It's either current, or it's not. I personally don't care for the poem. Anyway, you should re-write it. That's what good poetry comes from re-writes and deeper consideration into whatever message it is you're trying to convey. Never waste words in a poem. Everything you say is important.

[Jassy Melson]

This seems more like prose than poetry, unless you're going for the prose-poem style. As far as past/present tense it's a little all over the place with that. It's either current, or it's not. I personally don't care for the poem. Anyway, you should re-write it. That's what good poetry comes from re-writes and deeper consideration into whatever message it is you're trying to convey. Never waste words in a poem. Everything you say is important.
I never thought of it as being a poem or even a prose poem. It is what it is--a statement.

[Paulclem]

1.A definite or clear expression of something in speech or writing:

2.An official account of facts, views, or plans, esp. one for release to the media.

The above are definitions of "statement".

So this poem in the poetry section is not a poem, and the story you posted in the story section is a prose poem? I wonder why you bother seeking opinions about your stuff when you clearly don't want it.

[Jassy Melson]

Grow up

[Paulclem]

Ok I will. In fact I am all the time.

At least I can take advice.

[Jassy Melson]

That's always a good thing. When I get good positive advice, I take it. When I get garbage, I ignore it.

[Volya]

No, you ignore everything, and when somebody offers up any criticism you go whine about how people just don't understand the brilliance of your piece.

[Jassy Melson]

Thank you for your comment.

[hillwalker]

You give writers a bad name.

[Jassy Melson]

Good. Most writers deserve a bad name. With 90% of what writers write being garbage, most writers deserve a bad name.
I'm sick and tired of respoding to the clique on this site, so I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago--ignore the idiots and morons.