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Amelia.Kay.
02-15-2013, 06:25 PM
A familiar shriek filled my ears and my attention with the limp body snapped to the sound.
“Jacob!” I yelled and took off at a sprint, trying to find my little brother. My friends and their families were engaged in battles with the Pure Ones. The dead littered the blood-laden ground.
My thoughts rushed through my head as I rushed over the land. I was going too slow! I growled an animal like growl and ripped off my jacket. My large wings raised above my cinnamon head.
“Kaylee! Help!” he screamed again as rage flooded my veins instead of crimson blood.
I took a running jump and flapped. I rose into the air on the white and gray speckled wings The Creator had given me. The cold wing burned my jade eyes and the stench of blood from below penetrated my nostrils. Tears flooded down my cheeks as I scanned for Jacob. He was only 14!
After my hopeless search, I spotted the little teen trying to switch his form. They had a metal collar around his neck and he was in chains. A whip lashed out and snapped his back. A pained scream filled the air and I dove.
As I landed, twenty Pure Ones surrounded Jake and me. I growled at them and fluttered my wings in warning. My eyes glowed with red-hot fury. I crouched protectively in front of the mutilated form of my sibling and was ready at any moment for the attack.


Kaylee:


I woke up this morning, just like any other day, and went to the bathroom to take a shower. I stripped off of baggy, black and gray nightshirt and my red panties. I looked over my shoulder and reflected in the mirror, like always, were my two big, light gray with black speckles, wings. I smiled with a sigh. I thought my wings were beautiful and I was the only one in my school, no, in the world that had them.
I turned away from trying to fix my ruffled feathers and turned the shower to hot. I waited two minutes and stepped in.
Knock knock knock!
“Kaylee, hurry up and don’t use all the hot water again!” yelled my little brother, Jacob.
“You snooze you lose, little bro.” I called back over the roar of the blazing hot water that was turning my skin pink.
I finally stepped out a half hour later and started to dry my short, choppy, red cinnamon colored hair. I carefully extended my wings and gave them a good flap, immediately drying them. I stared into the mirror and my jade green eyes surrounded by thick eyelashes stared back at me. I put on my makeup, which consisted of eyeliner and mascara and made my eyes look more detailed. I hopped around for a few minutes to get my tight blue jeans on and then I put on a tight, low cut, red shirt with slashes in the back. I carefully maneuvered my wings to the slash marks and extended them, smiling. I then put my baggy sweatshirt on so that my wings were hidden outside of school.
“Kaylee!” Jacob yelled again with another knock.
I walked out with a smile and said sweetly, “Enjoy.”
As I walked down the hall, I heard the water turn on and Jacob scream when the cold as ice water hit his skin. He should have learned by now that a fifteen year old girl is going to beat a thirteen year old boy to the hot water almost every time! I giggled and walked downstairs to eat breakfast.

libernaut
02-15-2013, 07:30 PM
I enjoyed reading this. My question is where is your story going?

hillwalker
02-15-2013, 09:33 PM
Welcome. . .

Unfortunately I lost interest after your opening sentence - you woke up and took a shower like 90% of us do every single day. You need to do much more to intrigue your readers.

We expect more from the opening to a short story: something to keep us reading. Forget about the mundane domestic routine - cut to the chase. The only remotely interesting point was that you have wings - but you buried that fact under a mountain of banality I'm afraid.

My advice - forget about what you do every morning when you wake up because that's hardly worth reading about. Begin with some reference to your wings then continue with a more interesting story than taking a shower then having your brother take his shower.

H

Steven Hunley
02-16-2013, 12:57 AM
Yes, it's a bit every-day and domestic. The wing bit, which could be fascinating, is put as every day too. Do something with the wings. Preen them. Flutter them. Use them at the onset to grab our attention, and once you get it, tell me of the particular problems a girl must have in the morning when she has to deal with her wings. Use Parakeet shampoo or something. We know you intend to work on this more later, because of the title, and reveal more at the same time. But hook us from the start if you please.

Amelia.Kay.
02-16-2013, 01:09 PM
A gifted girl, a school for her kind, a religion formed to wipe them out. That is all I have figured out for this.

Amelia.Kay.
02-16-2013, 01:11 PM
Thank you for the advice hillwalker and Steven Hunley. I will work on it more. Thank you again.

-Amelia