The love of man

[illiterate boy]

Hi i have never done anything like this before so can someone please read and tell me how to improve. Criticism does not bother me so please do not be afraid of being nasty.

Chapter 1
I walked home in the rain again today. Funny how I always get that feeling when I’m alone like that time between evening and night. Like the rest of the world disappeared with the sun and left me behind to work out what went wrong. Something about the change in the air or that crisp sound of stillness in the subtle breeze that catches nothing but dust and decay I guess. It was then that I realised that what has become of me, the monster that as sucked my soul black and my heart to brittle ice. The pain of it all is unbearable of not knowing what love is or even the warmth of another person’s touch can be heavy on the shoulders. We are each our own devil, and we make this world our own personal hell. I scream, cry and shout for attention but not one soul hears my battle cries. My fake persona keeps my friends and family at ease but they do not see the shame or the pain what eats away my rotten dark insides like a cancer. Why as god gifted me with such an imagination of the things I see the death and the torture of which man is capable and willing to follow out. I believe but who is I to have a say in a world full of bigot and prejudiced not just the white race but black, brown and yellow. The wars that are causing carnage to the world and the near downfall of man. I believe it is man that is a bane to this world and the cause of all evil. I am MAN.

[krishna_lit]

Nice beginning and went well but you should've divided the work into two different paragraphs, bcoz the initial lines paints a nice and tender picture of the world and everyday life and then suddenly it all went dark and into despair.. That didn't sink in. But, overall, it's a good piece. And welcome aboard onto the forum, it's a great place to know a lot about Literature... All the best for all that's in your way :)

[illiterate boy]

thank you so much for the advice i have noted it and will be using when i amend it and thank you for welcoming me :)

[hillwalker]

Well done for posting your first piece on here.

Most would advise against opening a story with a description of the weather but you get away with it here because it has some relevance to the way your character behaves.

Your first few sentences should grab the reader's attention - make them want to continue reading, to discover more. Does yours manage to do this? Well - only up to a point.

Funny how I always get that feeling when I’m alone like that time between evening and night. Like the rest of the world disappeared with the sun and left me behind to work out what went wrong.

is intriguing but a little awkwardly phrased. And it needs trimming - perhaps something like:

I always get the same feeling when I’m alone. Something comes over me between evening and night. A feeling that the rest of the world has disappeared. No more sun. No more people. Just me - left to work out what went wrong.

At least we're left wondering. . . what's happened? Why does the narrator have these weird feelings?

I liked this next sentence :
Something about the change in the air or that crisp sound of stillness in the subtle breeze that catches nothing but dust and decay I guess.
but you need to begin a new paragraph after it. Also, the switch is much too abrupt:

It was then when? that no need for 'that' here I realised that or here! what has check your tenses - should be 'had' become of me. . .

This is where I would ease off a little and keep the reader guessing some more. What follows is too overblown - especially after such a measured opening scene. It ended up reading more like a rant - not at all what I was expecting. And the closing line - what a dreadful cliché!

You write well enough but this was definitely light on plot. It ended up as some kind of muddled psycho-babble - much too abstract a topic to write a short story about. My advice, write about something the reader can engage with or escape into. . . much as I deplore some of the werewolf/vampire/zombie literature that's out there your first paragraph would make a decent springboard to an interesting tale.

H