Once upon a mystical journey

[MysteryGirl]

Once upon a mystical journey,
A birds feathers flew through the air,
I swooped in every direction,
Jumping around without a care.

These feathers did not belong to me,
So they flew as far as they could go,
And by the time I caught up to them,
I'd already fallen to low.

There were the feathers,
and the other birds unlike me
While I layed upon the floor,
exhausted and weary.

And even though I knew
The feathers belonged to the bird,
I fell back into my mystical journey
undeterred

[PrinceMyshkin]

Once upon a mystical journey,
A birds feathers flew through the air,
I swooped in every direction,
Jumping around without a care.

These feathers did not belong to me,
So they flew as far as they could go,
And by the time I caught up to them,
I'd already fallen to low.

There were the feathers,
and the other birds unlike me
While I layed upon the floor,
exhausted and weary.

And even though I knew
The feathers belonged to the bird,
I fell back into my mystical journey
undeterred

I got a bit confused as to whether you were the bird or were observing it, and I worried that your commitment to end-rhymes was going to get you into trouble, such as strained syntax or corny rhymes, but you surprised me, happily, with the last set of rhymes. (If you ever feel the desire for a contemporary masterpiece of how to use rhyme, look for "April Inventory" by W.D. Snodgrass.)

[YesNo]

You almost have the end-rhyme technique correct except that the rhyme sound must match the accent of the words that are rhyming as well as the plain sound. For example, "bird" and "undeterred" rhyme because there is an accent on "bird", the last syllable of the line, and "-terred" also the last syllable of its line. The sound pattern that doesn't work is "me" and "weary". Here, "me" is at the end of the line and accented, but consider the word "weary". The "wea-" syllable is accented, not the "=ry" syllable. So the two words don't actually rhyme although the sound of their last syllables is similar outside of the metrical context of the line.

Rhyme works best, to my ear, when the overall meter of the poem flows in a pattern. I love rhyme, by the way. However, I think meter is more powerful than rhyme and the content of the poem more important still than any of these techniques.

[MysteryGirl]

Thank you both for the comments. I appreciate the criticism and points well made.

[hillwalker]

I have to say I prefer the raw, immediate style of your other poems. This looks too much like an attempt to write 'proper' poetry with rhyme and rhythm and pretty pictures - and it ends up being a sugar-coated cliche.

Jumping around without a care looks like you chose it for the rhyme rather than for any meaning it might have in the overall context of the poem.

I could be wrong, but this looks like the work of a very young poet still finding her feet and getting bogged down in trying to follow a formal structure. Your other pieces show a good deal more maturity and an ease with words that this lacks.

H

[MysteryGirl]

I agree completely with the criticism of this poem posted here. This was one of my first few poems and I honestly hate it... haha, but at least I've gotten better! Thanks for the feedback, everyone. <3

[PrinceMyshkin]

I admire your non-defensive responses to the criticisms.

[MysteryGirl]

Prince, there's no use in being condescending to honest criticism that I, myself, believes.
Plus, I know these members here have more experience on these forums than I do.
So, I can't place my opinions above there's.

If I had actually believed in this poem then I would've defended it's position, not in an aggressive manner. I think I was sleeping when I posted it here. Haha. -A