The Choice

[An11]

Thank you for the very detailed feedback on my recent first writing attempt (Raven on the Rope). I have tried to put the advice into practice in the short story below. I would love to hear comments so I can hopefully improve further. Many thanks
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I woke up to a pounding pain behind my left eye. It was a pain that seemed to grip me and then release me, pulsating and dancing from far within my brain.

“Biting into ice cream on a cold day," I winced as the pain hit again.

“Worse, much worse," I thought, struggling to drag myself out of bed as I mechanically tried to follow my morning routine.

“Lot’s to do today, no time to be ill," the thought seemed pass through me and escape as I attempted to turn the bath tap on.

The claw like shape hanging at the end of my arm tried to respond.

“What was it doing on my arm, and why are the taps made of putty?” I thought as I watched the claw press on the putty in an attempt to gain grip.

“Come on claw, get a grip," I coaxed it on.

“Help," I shouted, directing my attention to the other claw resting on the side of the bath.

As I stood up, in an attempt to move over to the sink I was aware that my movement was slow and deliberate, yet the dialogue in my brain was vivid and real. I fought to consciously instruct my muscles when to contract and release, trying to prevent the instructions from escaping before passing them from brain to body.

As I fell against the wall, I looked down at my body. I could no longer define the boundary of where I began and where I ended. The atoms and molecules of my body seemed to blend with the atoms and molecules of the wall. The energy of my body seemed to blend with the energy of all that surrounded it.

“What is happening to me?”

My question triggered the switching off of my reasoning as if someone had just pushed the mute button in response to my pleading. No longer did I feel the need to ask anything. At first it was strange to be within a silent mind.

Then I became aware.

I felt enormous and expansive, at one with the energy that I had just seen surrounding my body. It was beautiful. I felt beautiful.

“Stroke...get help," the chatter started again. I didn’t want it to. I didn’t want to come back and I fought to drift back to the All.

“You have a choice,” continued the chatter, pulling me back once again from my piece of paradise, forcing me to think of my family and those that loved me.

I am not sure how much time passed whilst the battle raged. It could have been hours, days or weeks. I remember sirens and a hospital room but not time.

“In the name of the Father and the Son and of the Holy Spirit”. I heard the priests voice in a solemn tone as he placed oils on my forehead.

“I am not going yet," came my reply from somewhere within.

Four years later I am still here. I can’t move much but I know I am loved.

[hillwalker]

First bit of free advice - never start a story or a chapter with the MC waking. It's up there with a weather update as literary agents' and prospective publishers' pet hates.

See here - http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?73735-story-edited - post #6.

Secondly - internalised thoughts are better left inside single speech marks - or italicised. I thought there was someone speaking to the narrator on first reading. And in this instance it might work better if he expresses the pain in the narrative itself:
It felt like biting into ice cream straight from the freezer or something similar.
I don't think the temperature of the day is relevant.

"Lot's. . ." should be "Lots".

As for the claw and the putty - it was becoming difficult to differentiate reality with the narrator's perceptions. Does he really have claws? Are these appendages something that appeared overnight? If so, would he not be freaking out? Or - has he always had claws. . . or are they just normal arms that won't respond because he's unwell?

Instead of making things clearer you manage to make them even more difficult to grasp.
There's a lot of stuff that 'seemed' to happen - as if the character is distanced from his body and conducting a clinical analysis of the situation. It's a little too self-absorbed though for most readers to find interesting enough to continue reading further.

My question triggered the switching off of my reasoning as if someone had just pushed the mute button in response to my pleading. No longer did I feel the need to ask anything. At first it was strange to be within a silent mind.
Then I became aware.
I felt enormous and expansive, at one with the energy that I had just seen surrounding my body. It was beautiful. I felt beautiful.

In a 300-page novel you might get away with this ^^^ but in a short story - no. There's too much vagueness when what we expect are specifics. I know you're trying to convey the sensation of losing bodily function but that's not enough. We need the MC to be doing something - even if he falls onto the bathroom floor or loses control of his bladder. Reading the above makes it seem as if he's just been beamed to Disneyworld.

Again, the ending seems rushed and much too neat. I get the feeling you wrote this from the tail end. You had the closing line in mind and the purpose of the story was simply to get us there as directly as possible. But it ends up looking rather hurried - the devastating affects are glossed over and replaced by rather fanciful musing. You don't even explain why he knows he is loved.

Interesting idea for a story but it needs a lot more substance to make it a rewarding read.

Keep writing though. You have the raw material - you just need to let the story develop before putting pen to paper. And even then, it's best laid aside for a week or so then revisited. It's surprising how your subconscious can fill the gaps in a plot without you even knowing it - and re-reading what you wrote with fresh eyes allows you to see where there's still work to be done.

H

[An11]

Many thanks for the feedback. I think the advice of coming back to it later is particularily appropriate as perhaps I have been rushing to get the next thing out as quick as poss. Will be applying your feedback, much appreciated