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Kasey Jordan
02-04-2013, 09:56 PM
I figured I'd post one more story I had a strange sort of lucid dream about last night. Creepy and bizzarre, I know...

This is the ridiculousness that my mind wakes me up from 3 hours of sleep to write. Incomplete...


The Babe of Turpentine
There stood a babe, in a sky of painful bright white. A pleasant sight, and endearing as children are. His hair was a mess of lovely, thin red locks, cascading down around ruddy and full cheeks that were beset with deep dimples. Blue eyes that shimmered with youth and vitality, yet that were set with a certain boyish deviance, danced about from behind thin lids and thick lashes. His demeanor seemed candidly jovial; indeed, rife with curiosity and inquisitiveness.

About his body he wore a thick, crème robe. Not a robe as children wear, but one of a more stately status. Its material was soft and luxurious, perhaps made of the fur of a type of fox, or some other mammal. There was a large and full hood that bunched up behind the babes head, giving an even more silhouetted and youthful appearance to his face. He smelled as children smell; like lavender and powder, yet with no hint of bodily function. And there was also a subtle scent of something caustic and unnerving, reminiscent of sulfur, which was alight on the air.

And so the Babe of Turpentine stood, with feet unseen and covered by the robe of crème. Yet he stood aloft in the air, above a sea! There seemed to be some structure to the invisible floor, though, for his robe cascaded down and fell out behind him at a parallel with the sea. The eye could catch no glimpse of foundation or solidarity, however, simply that its presence was known. In the babe’s hand he held a scepter of gold with the head of a gem, completing a rather ridiculous attire for a child. The sea roiled beneath him, but most unnerving of all was its contents; blood. In swirling eddies and unnatural vortices culminated a sea of dark and nauseating blood. And for how far? And what were the depths of this terrible body?

One could only ponder briefly as another figure appeared into the white void above the waters. What, if not, a gazelle was there! One not of any human sort; there was no anthropomorphism in its manner. It was simply a calm, demure, and graceful gazelle, with wonderful horns of black and a coat with a splendid shine. Yet there was a cunning about his dark eyes, as if a deep and magnanimous wisdom were locked inside. He was a beautiful creature, taking up stance beside the babe.

So there the two stood, a bizarre display of purity and innocence over an innocuous monstrosity. The babe with his joy, the gazelle with his cunning, they both seemed oblivious to what lay beneath them. And as they stood in some unreal, picturesque form, bubbles began to emerge from the liquid cesspool beneath. One by one they began to rise and float upward, disgusting pools settling in the bottoms of each sphere until at last they popped. All around the globes formed; small and large. Some began to burst over the babe’s robes, tinging its soft white surface with crimson. Yet still the babe stood quiet and without menace; although his jovial demeanor now seemed maniacal given his macabre environment. A strange dichotomy it was; what once seemed precious now somehow seemed terrible, though in no way had the Babe of Turpentine changed his visage.


(As a final note, might I add that I have become aware of perhaps long and rambling sentences which I am prone to, and a flinging of unnecessary vocabulary. Were I to pursue this piece I'd try to cut down on some of that. I feel I've done a little better however! I post stories like this as thought provokers as well as to receive critique. Sometimes something chaotic and abstract can spark idea's in other writers they haven't had!)

hillwalker
02-05-2013, 08:00 AM
At least your title grabbed my attention. So that's a good start.

But I'm not keen on the rather Biblical way you open. By 'babe' do you mean an infant or a hot chick? You need to perhaps make that clearer from the start.
Why not just write 'A babe stood in a sky of painful bright white.? (though how one can 'stand' in a 'sky' is again confusing).

Next problem - too many descriptors. Readers do have enough imagination to fill in the blanks but your imagery is suffocatingly cluttered. You're over-writing to the point of absurdity:

'A babe stood in a sky of painful bright white. A pleasant sight (check for distracting alliteration - rhyming), and endearing as children are. His hair was a mess of lovely, thin red locks, cascading down around ruddy and full cheeks that were beset beset?? with deep dimples. Blue eyes that shimmered with youth and vitality, yet that were set with a certain boyish deviance, danced about from behind thin lids and thick lashes OMG - this is so purple I'm hyperventilating. His demeanor seemed candidly jovial; indeed, rife with curiosity and inquisitiveness.

All that to tell us that you can see a red-haired infant in the sky and he seems happy.

No one - repeat - no one is going to plough through this sort of stuff in search of a 'plot'. And your assumption that this chaotic dreamscape might spark some inspiration in your readers is deluded, I fear.

My advice, get yourself a copy of Stephen King's paperback 'On Writing' and cut back on the adjectives and adverbs. They do you no favours.

In the meantime trim, trim, trim, until all that's left is what's important.

About his body he wore a thick, crème robe.
The word 'wear' usual suggests a garment on a body.
Its material why not just 'It'?was soft and luxurious do we need both?, perhaps made of the fur of a type of fox, or some other mammal how about dolphin? that's a mammal.

If I were to attempt to paraphrase the above I would write something like:
He wore cream robes of a fur-like material.
Job done.

There was a large and full hood that bunched up behind the babe's head, giving an even more silhouetted and youthful appearance to his face.
Is just as bad. Why 'large and full'? Do its dimensions even matter? And how can a hood give a 'silhouetted and youthful appearance'?

He wore a hood that enhanced his child-like appearance.

I could go on all day picking holes in this but I assume you get the message by now.

I'm not sure what thoughts you hope to provoke other than what I have already mentioned above. There's a lot of fancy footwork but ultimately you are leading us up the garden path. All show but no substance.

H3K

osho
02-05-2013, 08:13 AM
I smell magic realism and yet it stinks of biblical garbage and verbose vocabulary. If it is a start it is OK but if you want to represent yourself with this piece in a world of literature I am confused. You will have miles to go before you call it your original stuff

Kasey Jordan
02-08-2013, 01:00 AM
On the one hand I certainly appreciate the critique....on the other I feel like I just got slapped in the face. I mean, nothing good at all in this? You pointed out some word misuse (beset), and I appreciate it.

But honestly, you as an individual are going to tell me that not a single person on this earth is going to try to find a plot, or read a plot into it? That seems a bit much...

I could do a lot of tightening up. I'll do more to proof and make sure there are no redundancies. Point well taken regarding how a hood might make a baby seem silhoetted (not even a word haha). I especially appreciate knowing that you personally don't want to wade through it in search of a meaning. These things are helpful to me. Please don't make broad statements about what everyone else thinks though. Maybe you didn't mean for me to take it quite so literally.

With these types of stories my intention is to break some molds and be over the top. The idea is more like a portrait, with elements that aren't at all put together. The vocabulary is specific, the purpose is not. Think of the artwork of Salvadore Dali. I can see, however, in many places I could reduce the sentences, or break them up and go lighter on the adjectives. This would create at least something more readable, and probably something more vivid for the reader.

Again, criticism is good and what I'm here for. I'm working on some other things that will be more direct, have a clearer plot, and be less wordy. Criticism is much better to me than silence. Thank you!

hillwalker
02-08-2013, 06:26 AM
My opinion was merely one of many, of course. And it's about your writing not you. But bear in mind how many others have responded, and how many have said they enjoyed reading this.
Most of us read to unwind, that's a simple fact of life. Weaned on multi-channel TV we have short attention spans. If a piece of writing fails to grab the attention from paragraph 1 line 1 then no amount of clever wordplay and specific vocabulary is going to save itWe will move on to the next.
Admittedly, there are times when the writer's craft is enough to maintain our interest. But if there's no purpose to the writing other than to dazzle then personally I have better ways to spend my time.
Your motivation for choosing to write in this style may be enough to keep you striving to improve, but ultimately if it's impenetrable you're going to be writing for an audience of one.

H