Vulnerability

[Delta40]

Take a cracked piece of concrete
that has weathered every storm
Give it dull thinning hair and fading
blue eyes
Let childish dreams and hopes
hang off its chipped edges for effect.

Picture you who without raising a finger
breaks through.
Shockingly you turn a thick wall
into dust.
You leave to the elements
a quivering mass
of jelly.

[Hawkman]

This one starts well Delta but you lose me for a moment with the first two lines of the second stanza. I think you should rethink them so that they make more sense or (preferably) cut them altogether. It's a much stronger poem without them.

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

Thanks Hawk.

[cafolini]

I disagree with H this time Delta. Those two lines imply indifference. Without them it could be anger and destruction.

[Delta40]

Thanks cafolini.

[Kasey Jordan]

Hey I really enjoy this, each word seems very well crafted in the first stanza and makes me feel very empathetic. The poem is somber until the end, and for me personally the word jelly kind of struck an off chord and made me laugh a little. I wouldn't say I think it's wrong use or anything, but it does seem a bit contrasted with the mood of the rest of the poem. And maybe that's exactly what you want!

[Delta40]

Good point Kasey. Thanks.

[Pete Ak]

Take a cracked piece of concrete
that has weathered every storm
Give it dull thinning hair and fading
blue eyes
Let childish dreams and hopes
hang off its chipped edges for effect.

Picture you who without raising a finger
breaks through.
Shockingly you turn a thick wall
into dust.
You leave to the elements
a quivering mass
of jelly.

Hi Delta. S1 of this excited me! I like the image and how well it's put, it really does require every word to build the stanza, each one adds to the unfolding of it. When I turn to meaning there is a struggle to understand the anthropomorphism of a piece of concrete but you provide the info required to build a picture of an aged or at least experienced person who because of "for effect" I see as perhaps a cynic maybe in a role-model/mentor role. If so the opening line of S2 demonstrates almost taken-for-granted competence in the role, so much so that N expresses shock at the talent of reducing big things to almost nothing. "Dust" however is a less than useful element so the talent is one that could also be described as coming from a cynical attitude. As there is no comment re the subject's feelings about what he leaves ("a quivering mass...") the indifference adds to the impression. The decision to 'see' the person in S2 as a direct link to S1's unidentified pen pic was mine - and I assume intended by you, but it's possible you want S1 to be an exemplar and S2 an example of how that paradigm fits R. (That seems less likely to me) It raises the question, who is 'you'?
Overall Delta - really interesting well crafted S1 but which S2 is still straining slightly to complete a picture; the beauty of it is tho that the straining is quite enigmatic but not enough to completely satisfy.

[Delta40]

Yes I see that. I'm rather impulsive and give so little thought to structure when I run with my emotions.

[Jerrybaldy]

Hi Delta
I enjoyed this other than the opening lines gave me an image of a lump of concrete wearing a dodgy wig. It was difficult to move on from :)

[Delta40]

Thanks Jerry.

[tonywalt]

I love it. The first first stanza has great voice!- you've got a real talent!

[Delta40]

Thanks Tony. I haven't been writing much poetry at all lately. I've sort of lost my way a little and my confidence has dropped but I'm sure it will pick up at some time.