From The Streets To The Hudson

[Bob Karaszi]

Hello everyone. Hope all is well. Here's a poem of mine. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks, Bob


Scurrying tourists with bonfire eyes
fixed on wedge-shaped skyscrapers
faces punctuated by grins
wider than the horizon

I see them across the avenue
muse upon tower tops piercing the blue hollow
turning heads and spooning smiles

This is a place where contrasts reflect
off asphalt ribbons, where pigeons pivot
while their wings shed silver-gray tumult

Where straphangers squeeze into metal cars
at Eighty Sixth and Broadway
scents of mingled perfume and scorched brake pads
fill the subterranean stretch

Here where millions come as night spills over the Hudson
and the moon rests in roof top gardens
here, dreams are born in quiet depths
and this river lies ever at your feet

[Hawkman]

Hello Bob, welcome to the forum. There's a lot to like in this piece, although I feel it might benefit from some punctuation, although this is merely a personal preference. Generally it reads well enough without. There are a couple of things which I find slightly off in the poem though. The first, is the use of bonfire in the first line. Why do the tourists have bonfire eyes? It implies (to me at least) rage or anger. besides, to me it over-extends the line with a superfluous adjectival noun. S2 has a problem in the expression at the beginning of line 2. You begin this verse with the personal pronoun 'I' so line two reads as if it is the narrator who muses upon tower tops. it would be better to say musing here. It would then read that the narrator watched the tourists musing... I also wonder about the use of hollow at the end of the line. Again, personally, I find this just a little too much.

Not keen on the pigeon wings shedding "silver-grey" tumult. Why is the tumult silver grey? I quite like the idea of the wings shedding tumult though, it echoes the expression "water off a ducks back."

The only problem I have with S4 is the use of metal to describe the cars. Perhaps to a New Yorker the reference to 'straphangers' is sufficient to indicate the the cars are subway cars. However, as a Brit, cars just means cars, and most of these are made of metal, although carbon fibre and plastic is becoming more common. Rather than metal, just say, subway. It makes more sense and reads better.

in the last verse I'd take issue with line-breaks and (again) punctuation. You have one, lonely comma in line three. If you are going for rhetorical repetition you need to be consistant so really you need a comma after here in the first line too.

"Here, where millions come
as night spills over the hudson
and the moon rests in roof-top gardens,
here, dreams are born in quiet depths
and the river lies ever at your feet."

There is a bit of a problem with quiet depths when you've just been talking about roof-tops... Depths of what, I wonder. You might want to think about that. Generally though It reads well, paints vivid pictures and creates atmosphere. A good read.

Live and be well - H

[Bob Karaszi]

Thanks for the feedback Hawkman. I used 'bonfire eyes' to express eyes being lit up in awe sort of speak. I try to be creative maybe even slightly hyperbolic at times. As for 'metal cars' i just didnt want to say subway. Again, just seemed to cliche and the last thing the world not to mention New York needs, is another poem about plain old subways if that makes any sense. You have a point in the last stanza where I mention 'quiet depths'. I probably could have said what kind of depths. Thanks again for the critique.

[Bob Karaszi]

Ohh, as for the 'silver-gray tumult' I was trying to describe the actual colors of pigeon feathers. Kind of like shedding silver-gray agitation..

[Buh4Bee]

I liked the visual scene you painted of the tourist's reaction to NYC. They often do look like that. Fun poem.

[Bob Karaszi]

Thanks for the comments 4bee.