Darian

[Arxlandia]

Darian

I am Darian and I am twelve summers old. I have been in training since I was ten. I will grow up to be an Obsidian Huntsmen
if I pass the trials. Some boys I know want to be adventurers and see all of Arxlandia. Not me, I want to be a
Huntsman and serve The Huntress. I will be big and tough and wear armor made from Dewfeng hide. But first I have to pass
the trials and they are only three summers away!

My day starts at sun up. My mommy makes the best breakfast cakes, with fish and ground seeds and honey. After breakfast I have
to go to school, luckily I got morning class so I can train in the afternoon. The class is how to read and write and the history of
the Black Vale. Most importantly are the teachings of the Goddess T'takla! A Huntsman must know all the scriptures of T'takla, which I do.
The class ends just before midday so I go home and have lunch alone. My mommy sells the fish that my daddy catches in the swamps that make up the Vale.

After lunch I go outside of the safety nets that protect the village from the local Dewfeng. Today I am testing myself just like the trials.
I carry only my obsidian knife and some rope. First I have to find the right kind of tree and it has to be straight. I must be careful as I travel
deeper into the Vale because out here the Dewfeng are not hunted as much. They are bigger and do not fear people like the local Dewfeng do.
I find the tree I am looking for, it is the sacred tree, the same that is used for rituals. Well the sap is used anyway. I say the words of thanks for the
tree and cut off the limb I need. I take my time sharpening the point and removing any twigs and knots. I need this to be right, in the trial it would be inspected,
here it just has to do the job. I finish the spear and go hunting.

I have to keep looking up in the trees; Dewfeng live in the trees and like to drop on the unwary.
I have traveled deeper into the Vale than I have ever been, but I will be brave.
A Huntsman would not be worried about being alone hunting large Dewfeng deep in the vale with just a wooden spear!

I turn around and head for home.

I have not gone far when there is a huge splash behind me. I turn around and level my spear ready to use it.
Before me is the biggest Dewfeng I have ever seen staring me right in the eyes. Before I can lung with my spear the
Dewfeng jumps with a hiss and lands on me. I am pinned under it! I grab my knife and stab blindly at the Dewfeng.
The blade meets resistance and the Dewfeng jumps off, ripping the knife out of my hand. I get up and look desperately for my spear.
I find it floating nearby and grab it. I turn towards the Dewfeng and find it crouch and ready, fangs dripping venom.
I jump to my left and then my right moving forward at the same time in a zigzag pattern. The Dewfeng is just sitting and waiting for me, watching.
When I get within range of my spear I jump straight for the Dewfeng. I thrust with all my might and right through the throat. The Dewfeng falls dead, I have done it!
Now I have to get it home but first I need to find my knife. I look all around and feel under the water and I cannot find it.
It is getting late and I need to get home, I decide to come back tomorrow to find my knife. First I have to get this Dewfeng home.
I try to lift it but I am not strong enough. I will drag it back home, if I flip it over I can drag it on its armored side.
It takes all my strength to roll the beast over. I find my knife! It is still stuck in the Dewfeng's belly! I retrieve my knife and begin pulling my prize home, belly up and head first.
It is almost dark when I reach the gate to my village and I stop to catch my breath. I wonder what I am in for when I return home.
My parents probably will not be too happy but they will be proud. The villagers will certainly have something to talk about for awhile.
Maybe the news will even travel to other villages maybe even to the Huntress. I wonder if I will be confined to the village by my parents, there will be yelling I imagine.
All I have to do is drag my Dewfeng up to the gate guard and everything will begin.

I take a deep breath and pull.



Copyright Arxlandia (2013) written by Matthew Denny

[Charles Darnay]

I think the most interesting thing about the two chapters you have posted here is trying to figure out why your name changes in the copyright line.....oh no: are you team writing a fantasy novel? I'll say this as a general rule: If Pratchett/Gaiman couldn't pull it off - there is little hope for the idea.

Dealing with this piece on its own (because the other one strikes me as a useless prologue where you build up a backstory that is suddenly dropped)....

It is difficult to write from the perspective of a twelve year-old. You want it to sound authentic, but you can't sacrifice quality of writing/storytelling to do it. There are parts where you create a decent voice - but on the whole, I think you simplify the language a bit too much.

However, the larger problem is that this is really boring. Maybe we don't need to know about your protagonist's daily routine. We have to care about him as a person, not just know the vague acts he performs.

[Arxlandia]

I appreciate you reading and commenting. The stories are written by two authors and these are just short stories in preparation of the books being written.

For the "other story" the back story is the book and the franchise itself. It basically explains the life of one person in the same setting as the book. How is that a useless prologue? It is a short story. It has a beginning, middle and an end.

Again, I appreciate your comment but for a guy who has not written any stories and for a guy who has just a few tiny poems, you certainly know a lot about writing.

2000 replies and 7 posts...it says everything I need to know about you.

[Delta40]

I have to agree with Charles. Get off this forum if you're going to make it personal.

[Charles Darnay]

First, if you are going to attack me personally, don't make errors - it undermines your entire premise.

Taking what you presented here, your stories fell into a certain pattern.

The other story (I don't remember the name) struck me as a prologue to a fantasy novel/series - setting up a backstory to this world you created. This story seems to be the first chapter, exploring the early life of your novel's hero. If I am wrong on this count, I apologize. If I am not - the problem with the prologue is that it is not what you are trying to sell in your story. If Darian is your hero, then he is who should care about from the start. Who cares about (insert name here)? He seems like a vehicle to explore the backstory of your world - a backstory that would be better explored in pieces throughout the story itself.

[hillwalker]

What a strange response. Presumably you posted your work on here for feedback. So who would you rather receive feedback from? Someone who spends most of their time responding to other people's work (+2000 times) or someone who is so self-absorbed in posting their own efforts on here that they never hardly critique anyone else's work?
And for the record - some members on here are published authors, so it would be a pointless exercise posting any of their own work in a public forum where it can be read for free when they can get paid for it by their publishers.

Only 3 posts and your attitude says everything we need to know about you.

Anyway, I'll put your misguided rudeness down to youthful exuberance.

I've read your prologue and I have to say it wouldn't tempt me to continue reading. Remember that most readers browse the first couple of paragraphs of a book then make an instant decision whether or not it's worth investing their time (or cash) on it.
This dreadful prologue isn't going to grab anyone's attention, I'm afraid.

The first few sentences are a kind of vague scene-setting before you introduce your MC. You 'tell' us a great deal of his background as well as his daily routine but I'm no nearer picturing him in my mind now than I was before reading about him. If the reader isn't able to engage with the character then they won't care about him or be interested in what's about to happen to him next.

A line like What he doesn't know is that this is no ordinary day, little did he know that his life is about to change. is unsubtle foreshadowing at best and authorial intrusion at worst, which most editors frown upon. I suggest you concentrate on the story (assuming there is one). If you're trying to hook the reader it will take a lot more than this clumsy teaser.

As for the rest of the prologue - all you are doing is dumping back-story since the action of the novel presumably takes place after Corinthian's death.
His wife is ill so he walks the streets in search of 'an income'. Eventually he decides to become a thief, somehow knowing he will get himself caught and be imprisoned - bizarre behaviour even in a fantasy novel
He sees the dead merchant he is accused of having murdered, then spends 5 years in prison before being pardoned then dying of poisoning.

The problem is that none of the above matters because no one is going to continue reading. You list a series of events in a lazy short-hand - almost like bullet-points. Everything is reported then dismissed so abruptly that one wonders why you bothered mentioning any of it.

You make no attempt to flesh your main character out enough for us to care about him. So why would anyone want to read more?

Rather than this tiresome back-story I suggest you begin with Chapter 1 and the 'real story'. If any of the events in the 'Prologue' are relevant then drip-feed them as you tell the story.

As for this other post - 'Darian' - again it's 100% 'telling'. You're not giving us a story. You are giving an account of the character's ambitions and his daily routine.

A twelve-year old hunter calling his mother 'my mommy' immediately had me questioning the 'voice' you have chosen. And it's so boring to read about the MC getting up, having breakfast, going to school, having lunch etc. The weird names don't make it any more intriguing.

Overall this is just as tedious a read. What do we have? Some strange tree he has to find and a fight with a Dewfeng. Considering this is an action scene it lacks drama because of the way you have described it here.

My advice, although I'm not a fantasy fan I assume there are some well-written books out there in the same genre. Read as many as you can to get a sense of how established writers bring their characters to life and structure the plot in a way that makes the audience desperate to continue reading.

Although I admire your enthusiasm (the franchise? lol) it might also be useful to lose the attitude if you're looking for some friendly advice.

H3K