My first attempt at writing poetry

[BlackPearl]

My first attempt at writing poetry ..
Please comment and let me know what you think .. will truly appreciate it
My poems can’t compare to many wonderful amazing emotional pieces I’ve read in Litnet .. But I had to give it a try :smile5:

1.
Will you come with me?

Into the void
That suffocating black road
I see you heading there
Without a word,
Mute as the barren sky
Without a glance,
Blind with soulless eyes
You abandoned your spirit
And turned away
Into the void
That suffocating black road

Oh look
That path is crooked
No heed no caution
Only determined surrender
To the fire spitters
The bliss suckers

Am I supposed to run after you?
To shed my fear
To cloak my face
With a veneer
And hold onto you

It’s throbbing with hurt
Petrifying my toes
Anchoring my body

You never looked back
And I thought
What will our future be?
If I took that path with you

[Charles Darnay]

In regards to tone, it reads fairly inconsistently - from the descriptive (S1) to the casual ("Oh look/That path is crooked") to the painfully, cliché-reddened melodramatic (S4).

The first stanza is the strongest (obligatory, in my opinion). However, lines 5 and 7 are just repetitions of the lines preceding them.
Unless the first stanza is the only stanza in the poem, the repetition of the last two lines doesn't fit - it offers a conclusion, but the thing just keeps going.

Admittedly, this is a large reworking, but your poem can be more succinct if read as:

Into the void
That suffocating black road
I see you heading there
Mute as the barren sky,
Blind with soulless eyes
You abandoned your spirit
And turned away.

You never looked back
And I thought
What will our future be?
If I took that path with you
________________________
Everything you want to say in this poem is said in these lines: the rest is just.....noise. (again, the obligatory, in my opinion, because I will surly be lampooned for my less than professional credentials as a critic)

[BlackPearl]

Thank you Charles
I see what you're saying .. Will definitely work on it

[Pete Ak]

I think you have reason to feel quite proud of this as a first posting to this site, I'm tempted to ask 'Not your first poem surely?' I've made a few stanza by stanza comments.




1.
Will you come with me? ----------------- Some may read your title as a first line which would be a mistake of course but just a thought.

Into the void
That suffocating black road ------------------ 'Suffocating' makes the first two lines work.
I see you heading there
Without a word,
Mute as the barren sky -------------------- Two lines saying the same thing. It might be said the sky is always mute so why add 'barren'?
Without a glance,
Blind with soulless eyes -------------------- 'soulless eyes' I find problematic
You abandoned your spirit
And turned away ----------------------- why not finish the stanza here? Maybe save the repetition for the end.
Into the void
That suffocating black road

Oh look
That path is crooked ---------------- if the 'Oh look' is there for the rhyme it isn't necessary.
No heed no caution
Only determined surrender --------- 'determined surrender' is a well put together phrase.
To the fire spitters
The bliss suckers --------------- The subject is yielding is he? - 'the void' being the company of people who 'spit fire' and suck the bliss from life

Am I supposed to run after you?
To shed my fear
To cloak my face
With a veneer
And hold onto you --------------Neatly put, sounds like an authentic voice is talking here.

It’s throbbing with hurt -----------I'm not sure what is actually throbbing?
Petrifying my toes
Anchoring my body --- Maybe space to show your audience what petrified toes and an anchored body mean to the Narrator rather than simply tell.

You never looked back
And I thought
What will our future be?
If I took that path with you ---- A good ending which works for me. I like the enigmatic feel so much that I wonder if, during the body of the poem the prospect of taking the same path was a possibility. This may require some serious reworking but may prove worthwhile.

Thanks for the read. Respect, Pete Ak.

[hallaig]

I think you should steer clear o all that portentous sounding stuff---throbbing, suffocating, blind, darkness, barren, soulless. Disnae mean you can't be depressing, but a that angst is a bit cliched? Less is more.

[WolfLarsen]

I don't think you should listen to anybody except me. It's only my opinion that counts! Ha ha!

What I think is that much of the language is too formal. It's like you're looking to the past. Instead, rush forward into the future! Or use more contemporary language. In other words this poem sounds too stuffy.

Also, there needs to be more passion! Your poem is kind of stiff and lifeless – like a mannequin.

But, your first poem is much better than my first poem was.

[BlackPearl]

This is my first poem; I wrote it a long time ago … I’m so glad you think it's good for a first try

Pete Ak – Thanks for the detailed critique it’s so helpful, I did some changes and it already looks better

hallaig – Thanks I agree less is more, and although it’s cliché that is how I literally felt at the time

WolfLarsen – Thank you for making me smile .. Maybe I should listen to you only lol and I love everything old-fashioned


Truly appreciate your valuable comments