a myth

[cacian]

so strange
how you sit
quiet and late
looking out
onto
the river
gate
a long prolonged
sigh on your face
appear
to age the mirror
gaze

a smile may lift
the sultry pale
impossible is
not the case
appearances
can bring a pace
a change much
needed never phase
even to those
who quit the faith

so strange
how you pit
longing for wit
if only you could
raise the myth
be brave and take
by it the kick
and see the hit
rise and lit
transformation is
much a rit
and you beside
it the perfect fit

[Pete Ak]

Hello cacian, I found this interesting but confusing, her's my take. I'll go thru it with my reactions.



so strange
how you sit
quiet and late
looking out
onto
the river
gate ----------------so we've established N is at least an intimate friend who's curious but about what precisely? That it's quiet and late? that Subject is looking at the river or the river gate? The image of a river gate is odd too, as is why someone should prefer to look at a gate rather than a river! Placing 'gate' in a line of it's own gives it exaggerated importance which i now expect to be built on in the poem.
a long prolonged ---------------- not sure long prolonged works here. Nor the idea of seeing s sigh on a face, hear it yes but I think I'd see other things like downturned lips, half closed eyes, and hear slow drawn out (prolonged perhaps) exhalations.
sigh on your face
appear
to age the mirror
gaze ------------------------- Again there's room for confusion, is the mirror aged? how does a gaze age?

a smile may lift
the sultry pale
impossible is
not the case
appearances
can bring a pace
a change much
needed never phase
even to those
who quit the faith ----------------- this stanza doesn't quite make it for me, I think I know what you mean by 'sultry pale' which strikes me as a nice poetic phrase but it is vague. Neither am I easy with stating negatives (impossible is not the case) I'd rather know what is. The statement about change is confusing but I;m only half certain that it's because of your use of tense but it may be the inclusion of 'to'.

so strange
how you pit--------------Don't understand 'pit' in this context.
longing for wit
if only you could
raise the myth ------------- how is this performed?
be brave and take
by it the kick ------------- how is this performed?
and see the hit ------------ no idea
rise and lit ------------------ditto
transformation is
much a rit ----------------what's a 'rit'?
and you beside
it the perfect fit --------------whatever it is you're trying to say I have no idea of how this resolution actually resolves anything as it doesn't relate (to me at least) to any earlier part of the poem.

Needs a bit of work I think. I'd love to know your rationale for line breaks. Hope you find this constructive.
Respect, Pete Ak

[cacian]

This is very elaborate Pete and thank you for reading and going through it,
'pit' for 'pity'
'rit' for 'ritual'

I have read through all your comments and I see what you actually mean. I shall rethink this. Thank you Pete.:)